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Page history last edited by dm 11 years, 9 months ago

(1)    Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the

    furniture, shelves, and showcases.

(2)    Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.

    Wash the windows once a week.

(3)    Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of

    coal for the day's business.

(4)    Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your

    individual taste.

(5)    This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except

    on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each

    employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending

    church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.

        -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage

            Works, 1872

%

(6)    Men employees will be given time off each week for courting

    purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.

(7)    After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the

    office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible

    and other good books.

(8)    Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly

    sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,

    so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.

(9)    Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink

    in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets

    shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect

    his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.

(10)    The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and

    without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of

    five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the

    business permit it.

        -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872

%

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and

ask for it back the when it begins to rain.

        -- Robert Frost

%

A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.

%

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well

as afterward.

%

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.

        -- Paul Valery

%

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

        -- Milton Berle

%

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

        -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"

%

A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the

seed from which other committees will bloom.

        -- Parkinson

%

A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.

        -- R. Stallman

%

A company is known by the men it keeps.

%

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it

is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

%

A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

        -- Dyer

%

A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased

in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at

each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting

and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are

the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.

    At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as

well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion

houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four

fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network

of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant

complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main

ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of

this central section.

    Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and

colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In

brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two

hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.

%

A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty

m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running

alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is

running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty

m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly

takes off and disappears into the distance.

    The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,

the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least

sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"

    "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's

me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for

dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.

So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could

have a drumstick."

    "How do they taste?" said the farmer.

    "Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch

one yet."

%

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

        -- Robert Benchley

%

A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.

%

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while

the policeman searches you.

%

A man is known by the company he organizes.

        -- Ambrose Bierce

%

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

%

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

        -- Dean Acheson

%

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

%

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

%

A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.

Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now

has no excuse for further procrastination.

%

A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.

%

... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you

were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and

a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle

Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical

and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot

that he didn't force you down on the asking price.

        -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"

%

A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three

wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.

Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer

sitting in the yard watching the pig.

    "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.

    "Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter

was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that

pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."

    "Amazing!"  the salesman exclaimed.

    "And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on

the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.

That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.

Saved my life."

    "Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has

three wooden legs?"

    The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you

got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."

%

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

        -- Samuel Goldwyn

%

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

        -- Herbert Hoover

%

According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something

everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the

national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in

smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and

most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly

that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for

Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around

parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox

decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have

a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly

sheepish grin" comes from.

%

According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the

earlier reports.

%

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest

way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

        -- Sinclair Lewis

%

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

        -- George Orwell

%

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human

intelligence long enough to get money from it.

%

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

%

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the

month than you did before.

%

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

%

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,

provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe

to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the

cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief

Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you

going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"

        -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

%

All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar

crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying

part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago

there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more

important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make

president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody

believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs

the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for

a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not

going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his

home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white

collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.

        -- J. Feiffer

%

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.

Money's just the way we keep score.

        -- Henry Tyroon

%

All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.

%

America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"

%

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees

be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who are

educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and

the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

        -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"

%

An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's

chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the

Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone

who has seen the Managing Director face on).

        -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"

%

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed

to be doing at the moment.

        -- Robert Benchley

%

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

        -- Publius Syrus

%

Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.

%

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

%

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the

price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"

means the price went way up.

%

"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"

%

At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.

        -- Peter G. Alaquon

%

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the

number of pens that person is carrying.

%

Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.

%

Been Transferred Lately?

%

... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech

or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What

did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was

manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of

this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my

power of meddling.

        -- Joseph Conrad

%

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson

Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.

Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and

great effort pushing boulders into a single word.

It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.

Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin

equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the

destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass

both Parliament and Party.

It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other

planets, this may be the first message received from us.

        -- The Realist, November, 1964.

%

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather

a new wearer of clothes.

        -- Henry David Thoreau

%

Biz is better.

%

Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.

%

Bullwinkle:    You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.

General:    What does that make YOU?

Bullwinkle:    What else?  An executive.

        -- Jay Ward

%

Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.

You keep score with money.

        -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari

%

Business will be either better or worse.

        -- Calvin Coolidge

%

"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."

%

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a

brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and

lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the

phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where

it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.  But Edison's

greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.

Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:

the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then

immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is

the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of

electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few

customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the

last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;

the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is

why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.

        -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

%

    By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in

the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were

still five feet between rails.

    It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,

in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May

of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the

axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which

could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,

great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one

rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its

new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate

over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere

was possible.

        -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957

%

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be

boss and work twelve.

        -- Robert Frost

%

Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?

%

Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.

%

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.

Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,

mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

%

Chairman of the Bored.

%

Column 1        Column 2        Column 3

0. integrated        0. management        0. options

1. total        1. organizational    1. flexibility

2. systematized        2. monitored        2. capability

3. parallel        3. reciprocal        3. mobility

4. functional        4. digital        4. programming

5. responsive        5. logistical        5. concept

6. optional        6. transitional        6. time-phase

7. synchronized        7. incremental        7. projection

8. compatible        8. third-generation    8. hardware

9. balanced        9. policy        9. contingency

    The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select

the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces

"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into

virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No

one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,

"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."

        -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"

%

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to

be appointed to do the work.

%

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of

the beholder.

        -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter

%

Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's courage

and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.

        -- Gene Scott

%

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this

business, it probably would be gibberish.

        -- Thom McLeod

%

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."

        -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]

%

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to

stick to one thing till it gets there.

        -- Josh Billings

%

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then

give it back to them.

%

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.

        -- James Blish

%

Dealing with failure is easy:

    Work hard to improve.

Success is also easy to handle:

    You've solved the wrong problem.

    Work hard to improve.

%

Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,

all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.

        -- C. N. Parkinson

%

Dear Lord:

    I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On

the other hand", again.

%

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs

to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:

WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.

Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered

small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random

words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.

        -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

%

Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.

%

    "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"

    "Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"

    "I've never done anything illegal before."

    "I thought you said you were an accountant!"

%

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

%

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat.

        -- Ambrose Bierce

%

Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.

        -- James J. Ling

%

"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to

get more wax!!"

%

Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.

%

Drilling for oil is boring.

%

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.

%

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.

    "Ever since they threatened to fire me."

%

Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you

just how busy they are?

%

Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.

%

"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."

%

Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is.

        -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"

%

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster

than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.

It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes

up, you'd better be running.

%

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the

richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"

        -- Robert Orben

%

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no

guarantee of eventual success.

%

Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is

the best one.

        -- Jack Hurley

%

Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that

called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all

the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;

otherwise the plan was off.  Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded

and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off.

Finally the company president called Sam into his office.

    "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's

a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,

you're fired.  As of right now."

    Sam signed the papers immediately.

    "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you

couldn't have signed earlier?"

    "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so

clearly before."

%

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

        -- Arthur Miller

%

Everyone who comes in here wants three things:

    (1) They want it quick.

    (2) They want it good.

    (3) They want it cheap.

I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.

        -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company

%

Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.

        -- Miller

%

Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a

customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:

Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know."

Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."

%

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do

the work.

        -- John G. Pollard

%

    Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the

humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and

rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the

seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.

The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.

    "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to

aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,

but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.

    "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled

message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this,

but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with

energy policy and neither do you."

        -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"

%

Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.

%

Fast, cheap, good: pick two.

%

Fear is the greatest salesman.

        -- Robert Klein

%

Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!

%

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.

        -- Andy Capp

%

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.

        -- Thomas Alva Edison

%

Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.

%

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Corollary:

    Following the rules will not get the job done.

%

"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around,

I'd rather lie around.  No contest."

        -- Eric Clapton

%

God help those who do not help themselves.

        -- Wilson Mizner

%

God helps them that help themselves.

        -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"

%

Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.

%

Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

        -- R. E. Schenk

%

Happiness is a positive cash flow.

%

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

        -- Charlie McCarthy

%

Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you

`there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?

%

He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.

        -- Bion

%

He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.

%

He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.

%

He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

%

"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from

Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."

%

    "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"

    "Whattaya need?"

    "Oh, about $500."

    "Whattaya got for collateral?"

    "Whattaya need?"

    "How about an eye?"

        -- Sam Giancana

%

Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?

        WE CAN HELP!

Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.

%

Hire the morally handicapped.

%

    Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to

pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber,

hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say "shop for," as

opposed to "obtain." This is the major drawback of home centers: they are

always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees.  The home center

employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy

applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail

and screw -- in the entire store ...

    Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the

broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a

replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside

of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way

that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic

calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime

around the middle of next week."

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.

        -- Plato

%

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

        -- F. M. Hubbard

%

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they

had towels from my house.

        -- Mark Guido

%

How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?

%

How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they

claim they'll make you?

%

    "How many people work here?"

    "Oh, about half."

%

Human resources are human first, and resources second.

        -- J. Garbers

%

"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder

have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.

This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's

reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go

buy some more."

        -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM

%

I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.

%

I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,

ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.

%

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on

the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.

        -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

%

I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.

%

I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when

it has been used to commit a murder.

        -- M. Gallaher

%

I don't do it for the money.

        -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal

%

I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two

highly trained certified public accountants.

        -- Elvis Presley

%

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve

immortality through not dying.

        -- Woody Allen

%

    I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the

accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For

the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that

can't be measured in monetary terms.

    Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to

have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything:  "I came

by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot

should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly

understand his long delay.

%

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.

        -- H. L. Mencken

%

I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.

        -- Oscar Wilde

%

I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.

        -- John D. Rockefeller

%

I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?

        -- Raoul Duke

%

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.

        -- Bill Hoest

%

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

%

I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for

nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.

        -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil

%

I owe the public nothing.

        -- J. P. Morgan

%

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all

these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these

kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and

I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been

avoiding the beach.

        -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"

%

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending

their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to

buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.

        -- Emile Henry Gauvreay

%

I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.

%

I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.

%

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.

        -- David Rockefeller

%

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.

        -- Henny Youngman

%

I:

    The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin

    with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.

II:

    If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would

    probably be twice as good as yesterday was.

III:

    There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.

IV:

    If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.

V:

    One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.

    Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average

    output.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had

lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.

%

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.

        -- G. K. Chesterton

%

If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.

        -- W. C. Fields

%

If all else fails, lower your standards.

%

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

%

If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there

better be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

        -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"

%

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.

%

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's

got to be a better way.

        -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

%

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

%

If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could

work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

        -- Douglas Jerrold

%

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.

%

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

%

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would

all be millionaires.

        -- Abigail Van Buren

%

If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to

do something else.

        -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"

%

If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play

for once!

%

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real

good, you will get out of it.

%

If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will

cash your check.

%

If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;

over 80 you are neglecting your golf.

        -- Walter Hagen

%

If you aren't rich you should always look useful.

        -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine

%

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

        -- J. Paul Getty

%

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

%

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

%

If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.

%

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

%

If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time

to do it over?

%

If you fail to plan, plan to fail.

%

If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your

total incompetence.

%

If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.

%

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a

hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.

        -- Neil Bogart

%

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.

But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.

        -- Swami Prabhupada

%

If you suspect a man, don't employ him.

%

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car

payments.

        -- Earl Wilson

%

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave

it to.

        -- Dorthy Parker

%

If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.

%

If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.

        -- Ben Franklin

%

    If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs

around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace

explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The

"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a

large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the

week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after

which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more

money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S.

Senate.

    And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You

figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How difficult can

it be?"

    Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible, which

is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying other

people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far

less money.  This article can help you.

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading

it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving

from where you left them to where you can't find them.

%

In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The

creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.

%

In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:

the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.

%

In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...

in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent

to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who

have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

        -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"

%

In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.

%

In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and

make it better.

%

In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.

        -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter

%

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

%

In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands

a smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to

the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.

Q:    Who gets to the pot of gold first?

A:    The dumb manager.  All the rest are myths.

%

Innovation is hard to schedule.

        -- Dan Fylstra

%

Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the

salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.

%

Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?

%

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

%

It is better to live rich than to die rich.

        -- Samuel Johnson

%

It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.

%

It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.

%

It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward

the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the

case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by

crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.

        -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

%

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of

work to do.

        -- Jerome Klapka Jerome

%

It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.

%

It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.

        -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's

        [Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.]

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.

        -- Gore Vidal

        [Great minds think alike?  Ed.]

%

It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat

rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they

kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.

        -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's

%

It's a poor workman who blames his tools.

%

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

%

It's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!

        -- Macy's

%

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.

        -- Daniel B. Luten

%

It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the

venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.

        -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.

%

Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.

%

Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.

%

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

%

Keep your Eye on the Ball,

Your Shoulder to the Wheel,

Your Nose to the Grindstone,

Your Feet on the Ground,

Your Head on your Shoulders.

Now... try to get something DONE!

%

Lavish spending can be disastrous.  Don't buy any lavishes for a while.

%

Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.

%

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a

number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and

another number.

        -- James Estes

%

Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.

%

Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.

%

Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.

%

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

        -- Josh Billings

%

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip

around the Sun.

%

Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.

        -- Henry David Thoreau

%

Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these

interest rates, we don't need it."

%

Lonesome?

Like a change?

Like a new job?

Like excitement?

Like to meet new and interesting people?

JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!

%

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,

con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this

country was built.

        -- Hubert Allen

%

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

        -- Frank Hubbard

%

Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.

        -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"

%

Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.

        -- P. E. Trudeau

%

Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.

%

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--

no dog exchanges bones with another.

        -- Adam Smith

%

Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.

        -- Arthur R. Miller

%

Management:    How many feet do mice have?

Reply:        Mice have four feet.

M:    Elaborate!

R:    Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.

M:    No discussion of fifth appendage!

R:    Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.

M:    What?  Feet with no legs?

R:    Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.

M:    Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?

R:    Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.

M:    Does not fully discuss the issue!

R:    Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg

    is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail

    is not equipped with a foot.

M:    Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO!

R:    Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies,

    one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would

    constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.

M:    Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!

R:    Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined

    integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also

    attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and

    ornamental in nature.

M:    Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!

R:    Mice have four feet.

%

Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.

%

Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.

%

Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.

%

Mater artium necessitas.

    [Necessity is the mother of invention].

%

Maternity pay?    Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.

        -- Malcolm Smith

%

Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.

%

McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.

%

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

        -- Leonardo da Vinci

%

Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.

        -- Napoleon Bonaparte

%

Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and

it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin

very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently

tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events

such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the

woman's skin.  Thank you.]

... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your

cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of

billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more

interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your

skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran

cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices

with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first,

without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from

below.

        -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"

%

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to

corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in

favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.

        -- Piers Anthony

%

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while

you're being miserable.

        -- C. B. Luce

%

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

        -- Christopher Marlowe

%

Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.

%

Money doesn't talk, it swears.

        -- Bob Dylan

%

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

%

Money is its own reward.

%

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

%

Money is the root of all wealth.

%

Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

        -- Lazarus Long

%

Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.

        -- Sir Edmond Stockdale

%

Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.

%

Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.

%

Moneyliness is next to Godliness.

        -- Andries van Dam

%

Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider

their unacceptable offer.

%

Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.

        -- Xaviera Hollander

    [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]

%

My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.

%

My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.

%

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

        -- Errol Flynn

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.

        -- Errol Flynn

%

"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity

is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.

        -- Alfred North Whitehead

%

Neckties strangle clear thinking.

        -- Lin Yutang

%

Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.

Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

        -- Lazarus Long

%

Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss

the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.

%

Never buy from a rich salesman.

        -- Goldenstern

%

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.

        -- Thomas Jefferson

%

Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.

%

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.

        -- Billy Rose

%

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.

        -- Quentin Crisp

%

Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is

doing it.

%

Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.

%

Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will

surprise you with their ingenuity.

        -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.

%

Never trust anyone who says money is no object.

%

Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

        -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

%

    NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of

directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip

Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the

offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the

true value of the company.

    Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.

Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover

agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of

their major Middle East subsidiaries.  To a person, the board voted to

reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to

reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of Nazareth.

%

Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing

else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow

the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.

        -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"

%

No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel --

anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under

such difficult conditions.

        -- Laurence J. Peter

%

"No job too big; no fee too big!"

        -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"

%

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

%

No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.

%

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

        -- C. Schulz

%

No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.

%

No skis take rocks like rental skis!

%

No spitting on the Bus!

Thank you, The Mgt.

%

None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary

to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one

ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a

job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing

forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient

he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a

state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the

"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.

        -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"

%

Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.

%

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

        -- A. H. Weiler

%

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires

tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

        -- Nero Wolfe

%

Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

%

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.

%

Nothing recedes like success.

        -- Walter Winchell

%

Nothing succeeds like excess.

        -- Oscar Wilde

%

Nothing succeeds like success.

        -- Alexandre Dumas

%

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

        -- Christopher Lascl

%

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

        -- Kim Hubbard

%

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first

overcome.

        -- Dr. Johnson

%

    Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool

sets for under $4?" An excellent question.

    Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell

plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they

have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and

malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration.  In either

the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an

obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of

a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental

notions of tools that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.

    This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it

inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the

so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if

you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct

sunlight.

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the

reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest

amount of hot air.

        -- Thomas L. Martin

%

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

%

Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it,

and sell it as fertilizer.

%

    One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,

and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few

people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next

stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a

wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,

"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

    Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically

meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't

happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on

again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the

one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started

losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he

could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,

and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;

what's more, he felt really good about himself.

    So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus

and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the

passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

    With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a

bus pass."

%

One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.

%

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one

man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will produce half

again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to represent a

creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ...

        -- Anthony Chevins

%

One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a

thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with

the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing

hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and

laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."

    To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might

happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.

And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.

        -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle

%

One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan

is that there never was a plan in the first place.

%

One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could

manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be

installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your

congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how

the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when he

got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would

inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the

plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman

proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be

designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")

This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public

would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem

is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500

members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil,

are already too large to fit on normal aircraft.

        -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"

%

One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.

%

Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.

%

Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't

recognize them.

%

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

        -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"

%

Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.

I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but

we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

        -- J. Wellington Wells

%

Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.

        -- Robert Louis Stevenson

%

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is

they charge fifteen cents for them.

%

Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.

        -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries

%

Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!

%

Owe no man any thing...

        -- Romans 13:8

%

People are always available for work in the past tense.

%

People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolves

them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this

was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps.

%

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

%

Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.

%

Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"

until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out,

we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.

        -- N. Meyrowitz

%

    Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,

requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a

clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as

annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio.  But before we get

into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.

    A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except

that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has

pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets.

So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your

electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

Porsche: there simply is no substitute.

        -- Risky Business

%

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

        -- Ryan

%

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little

more time for dreaming.

        -- J. P. McEvoy

%

Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.

%

Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.

%

Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.

%

Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.

%

Put your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you're sick.

%

Put your Nose to the Grindstone!

        -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

%

Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.

%

Real wealth can only increase.

        -- R. Buckminster Fuller

%

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than

being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

        -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

%

Recent investments will yield a slight profit.

%

Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man

is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.

        -- C. N. Parkinson

%

Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative

overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.

%

Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.

%

Remember to say hello to your bank teller.

%

Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.

%

Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you

actually have a shot at it.

%

Riches cover a multitude of woes.

        -- Menander

%

Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.

    Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is

    not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may

    sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after

    they regain their composure.

%

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be

surprised at how little you have.

        -- Ernest Haskins

%

Sears has everything.

%

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

%

    "Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.

"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have

said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."

    "I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.

    "Too proud?"  the other enquired.

    Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"

she said, "that one can't help growing older."

    "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With

proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."

        -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"

%

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big

store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable

prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home

center.  And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all

over the United States.

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing

golf with his boss.

%

So you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what

is the root of money?

        -- Ayn Rand

%

So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?

%

Some people carve careers, others chisel them.

%

Some people have a great ambition: to build something

that will last, at least until they've finished building it.

%

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the

book or even what book.

%

Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.

%

Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.

%

Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a

rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.

        -- P. J. O'Rourke

%

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the

pens will multiply instead of disappear.

%

Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,

or the person who operates it.

%

Someday your prints will come.

        -- Kodak

%

Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.

%

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names

the streets after them.

        -- Bill Vaughn

%

Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.

%

Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.

%

Support your local church or synagogue.  Worship at Bank of America.

%

Surprise due today.  Also the rent.

%

Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.

%

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

        -- Lazarus Long

%

Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.

%

    Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content

to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good

beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up

drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a

nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves

and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola

was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to

improve ...

        -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"

%

Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your

merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people

have given them to you.

%

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not

take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.

        -- Booth Tarkington

%

Talent does what it can.

Genius does what it must.

You do what you get paid to do.

%

Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before

you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew

but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't

already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.

        -- Erma Bombeck

%

Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work,

work till we die.

        -- C. S. Lewis

%

That's life.

    What's life?

A magazine.

    How much does it cost?

Two-fifty.

    I only have a dollar.

That's life.

%

The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by

people who want some.

        -- Dwight MacDonald

%

The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,

for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be

simply making a limiting statement about himself.

        -- Sidney Harris

%

The absent ones are always at fault.

%

The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in

session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,

advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of

publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-

giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,

we'd ALL love to do it.  But we're not going to do it.  It's not the kind of

book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the

field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-

ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be

very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-

lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for

courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,

[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been

arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right

time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially

for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as

then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --

    Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,

        And dare not stray to ideas new,

    For if t'were tried they might e'en work

        And for a living what woulds't we do?

%

The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...

    Four day work week,

    Two ply toilet paper!

%

The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was

released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,

Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.

%

The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling

a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.

%

The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.

However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours

by judging things by their price.

%

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do

what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with

them while they do it.

        -- Theodore Roosevelt

%

The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.

%

The best things in life are for a fee.

%

The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.

%

The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."

%

The Bible on letters of reference:

    Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do

we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?

No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any

man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.

        -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation

%

The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for

someone else.

%

    The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff

in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl

laughed uproariously.  "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you

got a sense of humor?"

    "I don't have to laugh," she said.  "I'm leaving Friday anyway.

%

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up

in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.

%

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job

application form.

        -- Stanley J. Randall

%

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.

        -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

%

The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!

%

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

%

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.

%

The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.

%

The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the

level of management.

%

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young

successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me,

and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign

of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the

second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.

Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes

into a drawer.

    Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the

young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."

    The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The

crisis passed.

    Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleaguered

manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize."

    He held another press conference, announcing that the division

would be restructured.  The crisis passed.

    A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was

blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank

into his chair, and opened the third envelope.

    "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.

%

The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.

%

The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.

%

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late

and owns the worm farm.

        -- Travis McGee

%

The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and

add ten percent.

%

The end of labor is to gain leisure.

%

The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for

experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute

for intelligence.

        -- Lyman Bryson

%

The faster I go, the behinder I get.

        -- Lewis Carroll

%

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.

%

The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the

other 90% of the time.

%

The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of

management is that success equals skill.

        -- Robert Heller

%

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."

        -- H. L. Mencken

%

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

        -- Paul Erlich

%

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.

        -- Alan Coult

%

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

%

The greatest productive force is human selfishness.

        -- Robert Heinlein

%

The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through

the crowd at the bottom.

%

The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,

which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at

least 5000 years old."

%

The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic

devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,

where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers.

With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free

to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of

their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory

service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at

the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going,

"Lookit all them WIRES in there!"

        -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"

%

The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex,

no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.

        -- Harry V. Wade

%

The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.

%

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important

point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly

important thing to people.

        -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King

%

The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the

number of participants.

        -- Adam Walinsky

%

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided

by the number of people in the group.

%

The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:

King:        "How goes the battle plan?"

Advisor:    "See those little black specks running to the right?"

K:    "Yes."

A:    "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running

    to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till

    the dust clears."

K:    "And?"

A:    "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."

K:    "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"

A:    "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."

%

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for

everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.

%

The longer the title, the less important the job.

%

The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will

eventually mature.

%

The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends

without any means.

        -- Saul Alinsky

%

The meek don't want it.

%

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

%

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.

        -- J. P. Getty

%

The meek shall inherit the Earth.  (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)

%

The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be

anything left worth inheriting.

%

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the

competition already has the order.

%

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

%

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.

        -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"

%

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For

instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,

contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)

%

The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in

the country is the one on which you resell it.

        -- J. Brecheux

%

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to

watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.

        -- T. H. White

%

The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

%

The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop

and take a rest.

%

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to

be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to

be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think

you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.

        -- Bill Veeck

%

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has

already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished,

and put inside boxes.

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up

until 5 or 6 PM.

%

The optimum committee has no members.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental

solvency of the firm.

%

The other line moves faster.

%

The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of

someone to blame it on.

%

The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.

%

The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.

%

The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.

        -- Anthony Burgess

%

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate

knowledge of its ugly side.

        -- James Baldwin

%

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired

warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing

the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.

        -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

%

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but

not the problem we thought was the problem.

        -- Mike Smith

%

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people

worry than work.

%

The reward for working hard is more hard work.

%

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.

        -- Emerson

%

The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.

The haves get more, the have-nots die.

%

The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared

for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his

infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and

upon the successful management of which so much remains.

        -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist

%

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travelers pay the

expense of it.

        -- Josh Billings

%

The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market

award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal

gesture by the individual to himself.

        -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"

%

The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got

it made.

        -- Jean Giraudoux

%

The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability

and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but

money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.

        -- George Bernard Shaw

%

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

        -- Noelie Alito

%

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

%

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be

able to correct them.

        -- Nicolaides

%

The star of riches is shining upon you.

%

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands

what will sell.

        -- Confucius

%

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene

of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process

as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The

employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible

temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.

        -- Kenny's Korner

%

The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be

in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

        -- C. N. Parkinson

%

The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.

%

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

%

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

        -- Franklin P. Jones

%

The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more

important to do.

%

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody

appreciates how difficult it was.

%

The trouble with money is it costs too much!

%

The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.

        -- Herbert V. Prochnow

%

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

        -- Lily Tomlin

%

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."

        -- Dorothy Parker

%

The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.

        -- B. Franklin

%

The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.

%

The wages of sin are unreported.

%

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start

with a large fortune.

%

The Worst Car Hire Service

    When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck

as a joke.  Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up

shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.

    He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he

conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.

    To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and

he now has 26 thriving branches all over America.  "People like driving

round in the worst cars available," he said.  Of course they do.

    "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to

admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'.  If they bring a car back late we

overlook it.  If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle

we might overlook that too."

    "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled

into the ripped interior.  "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the

ash tray."

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

%

Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better

not refuse.

%

Them as has, gets.

%

    Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.

    He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the

Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an

open market.

    If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he

should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of

himself.

    Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.

    Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.

    Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.

        -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

%

Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of

Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was,

when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing

to the "W" on the dial.

Moral:

    He who has a Tates is lost!

%

There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break

about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get

about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor

get it in the winter.

        -- Bat Masterson

%

There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening

with an insurance salesman?

        -- Woody Allen

%

There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.

        -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday)

%

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital

and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting

each other's throat.

        -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"

%

There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little

worse and sell a little cheaper.

%

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

%

"There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income

parents' lives a misery."

"... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears

because of what you just said."

"I want you to picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't

pay for one Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!"

        -- Filthy Rich and Catflap

%

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

%

There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it

reluctantly.

        -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)

%

There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says

"Yes" you know he is crooked.

        -- Groucho Marx

%

There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.

%

There must be more to life than having everything.

        -- Maurice Sendak

%

    There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by

going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to

a man who answered one door.

    "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.

    "Forty dollars."

    "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

    Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says,

"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

%

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

        -- Milton Friendman

%

There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses

smoking in the men's room.

        -- W. Bossert

%

    They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even

drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man.  These things offer

pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which

demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and

sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.

    They are fools that think otherwise.  No great effort was ever bought.

No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was

ever raised into being for payment of any kind.  No parthenon, no Thermopylae

was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground

beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone.  The payment for doing these

things was itself the doing of them.

    To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and

so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the

greatest pleasure known to man!  To one who has felt the chisel in his hand

and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt

sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body

of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food

spread only for demons or for gods."

        -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"

%

Things worth having are worth cheating for.

%

Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.

        -- Darrell Royal

%

This is a good time to punt work.

%

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because

the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it

recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated"

the airline industry.  What this means for you, the consumer, is that the

airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever.  They can

show snuff movies.  They can charge for oxygen.  They can hire pilots right

out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.  They can conserve fuel by

ejecting husky passengers over water.  They can ram competing planes in

mid-air.  These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which

have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with

amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do apply,

the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must

pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.

        -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"

%

This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this:  most of

the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many

solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were

largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,

which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of

paper that were unhappy.

        -- Douglas Adams

%

This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!

%

Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around

here at quitting time.

%

Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided

at all costs.

        -- N. Alexander.

%

Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.

        -- Theophrastus

%

Time to take stock.  Go home with some office supplies.

%

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

        -- Elbert Hubbard

%

To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.

%

To do nothing is to be nothing.

%

To do two things at once is to do neither.

        -- Publilius Syrus

%

To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.

%

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three

persons, two of them absent.

%

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.

        -- Jack Paar

%

To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.

%

To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.

%

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest

and cost the most.

%

To stay youthful, stay useful.

%

To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.

%

To thine own self be true.  (If not that, at least make some money.)

%

To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone

company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in

turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a

loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of

Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it

suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer

above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it,

until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears

and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past

involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, an entire religious order, a

garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your

conversation into Edna's loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on

the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.

        -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?"

%

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem

more afraid of life than death.

        -- James F. Byrnes

%

Too much is not enough.

%

Too much of everything is just enough.

        -- Bob Wier

%

Truth is free, but information costs.

%

Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.

        -- Howard Kandel

%

Veni, Vidi, VISA:

    I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

%

Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an

infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one

could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow

somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew

ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is

quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can

lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its

outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable

little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole

for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the

screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom,

is presumably working on it.

%

Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.

%

VI:

    A hungry dog hunts best.

    A hungrier dog hunts even better.

VII:

    Decreased business base increases overhead.

    So does increased business base.

VIII:

    The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator

    is fifth grade arithmetic.

IX:

    Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent

    possible to make trivial ideas profound.  Q.E.D.

X:

    Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.

    People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving

from where you left them to where you can't find them.

%

    WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.

%

Waste not, get your budget cut next year.

%

We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.

%

We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.

        -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis

%

We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.

        -- John Fisher

%

    We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why

you are so tired.

    There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.

    The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over

60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20

years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.

    There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves

19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which

leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state

and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in

hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

    Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,

so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and

brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

%

"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call

free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens

show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do

our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."

        -- Cameron Hawley

%

We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.

%

We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.  If we heard a noise at night,

we'd bark ourselves.

        -- Crazy Jimmy

%

We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.

        -- D. W. Robertson.

%

Weekend, where are you?

%

What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?

%

What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be

broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality

is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.

        -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"

%

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.

%

What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?

%

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

%

What they said:

    What they meant:

"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

    (Yes, that about sums it up.)

"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."

    (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)

"I simply can't say enough good things about him."

    (What a screw-up.)

"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

    (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)

"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go

a long way with his skills."

    (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)

"You won't find many people like her."

    (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)

"I cannot recommend him too highly."

    (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a

     felony in my presence.)

%

What they said:

    What they meant:

"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much

of him as I do."

    (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)

"Her input was always critical."

    (She never had a good word to say.)

"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."

    (And it's nonexistent.)

"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which

already has so many outstanding members."

    (Unless you already have a moron.)

"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:

one unbelievable result after another."

    (And we didn't believe them, either.)

"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."

    (In fact, to life in general...)

%

What they said:

    What they meant:

"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."

    (We certainly never succeeded.)

There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.

    (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)

"Success will never spoil him."

    (Well, at least not MUCH more.)

"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."

    (And such a sigh of relief.)

"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;

in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."

    (And his IQ, as well.)

"He should go far."

    (The farther the better.)

"He will take full advantage of his staff."

    (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)

%

What they say:                What they mean:

A major technological breakthrough...    Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of research    Discovered by pure accident.

Project behind original schedule due    We're working on something else.

    to unforeseen difficulties

Designs are within allowable limits    We made it, stretching a point or two.

Customer satisfaction is believed    So far behind schedule that they'll be

    assured                    grateful for anything at all.

Close project coordination        We're gonna spread the blame, campers!

Test results were extremely gratifying    It works, and boy, were we surprised!

The design will be finalized...        We haven't started yet, but we've got

                        to say something.

The entire concept has been rejected    The guy who designed it quit.

We're moving forward with a fresh    We hired three new guys, and they're

    approach                kicking it around.

A number of different approaches...    We don't know where we're going, but

                        we're moving.

Preliminary operational tests are    Blew up when we turned it on.

    inconclusive

Modifications are underway        We're starting over.

%

What they say:            What they mean:

New                Different colors from previous version.

All New                Not compatible with previous version.

Exclusive            Nobody else has documentation.

Unmatched            Almost as good as the competition.

Design Simplicity        The company wouldn't give us any money.

Fool-proof Operation        All parameters are hard-coded.

Advanced Design            Nobody really understands it.

Here At Last            Didn't get it done on time.

Field Tested            We don't have any simulators.

Years of Development        Finally got one to work.

Unprecedented Performance    Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Revolutionary            Disk drives go 'round and 'round.

Futuristic            Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.

No Maintenance            Impossible to fix.

Performance Proven        Worked through Beta test.

Meets Tough Quality Standards    It compiles without errors.

Satisfaction Guaranteed        We'll send you another pack if it fails.

Stock Item            We shipped it before and can do it again.

%

What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.

%

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

%

What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.

%

What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.

%

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody

really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time,

whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for

two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m.  This way we could

all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and

scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually

emerge from bed.

        -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"

%

Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.

        -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon

%

When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.

        -- Robespierre

%

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,"

it's the money.

        -- Kim Hubbard

%

When all else fails, read the instructions.

%

When I works, I works hard.

When I sits, I sits easy.

And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.

%

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

        -- James H. Boren

%

When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to

make a decision.

%

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for

every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss

is away and you get twice as much done.

        -- Daniel B. Luten

%

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking

about themselves.

%

    When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.

"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't

the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"

    "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you

might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"

%

When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.

%

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

%

When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

%

When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.

%

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

        -- The Wall Street Journal

%

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

        -- Henry J. Kaiser

%

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

%

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

%

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own

form of misery.

%

While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

%

Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.

        -- Thomas Tusser

%

Whoever dies with the most toys wins.

%

Why be a man when you can be a success?

        -- Bertolt Brecht

%

Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?

That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!

%

Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.

        -- Frank Tyger

%

Work expands to fill the time available.

        -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955

%

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near

the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people

to do so.

        -- Bertrand Russell

%

Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.

        -- Schulz

%

Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.

%

Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream,

But vision with work is the hope of the world.

%

XI:

    If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would

    get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty

    times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all

    the managers would fly off.

XII:

    It costs a lot to build bad products.

XIII:

    There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.

    There are also many highly paid executives.  The policy is not to

    intermingle the two.

XIV:

    After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There will

    be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent

    of every airplane's weight.

XV:

    The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost

    and two-thirds of the problems.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XLI:

    The more one produces, the less one gets.

XLII:

    Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.

XLIII:

    Hardware works best when it matters the least.

XLIV:

    Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly

    direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the

    additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.

XLV:

    One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the

    unexpected should have been expected.

XLVI:

    A billion saved is a billion earned.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XLVII:

    Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The other

    third is covered with auditors from headquarters.

XLVIII:

    The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the

    less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.

    Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less

    until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.

XLIX:

    Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.

L:

    The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a

    chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times

    as long as the official's who created it.

LI:

    By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more

    government workers than there are workers.

LII:

    People working in the private sector should try to save money.

    There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XVI:

    In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one

    aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and

    Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be

    made available to the Marines for the extra day.

XVII:

    Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,

    and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.

XVIII:

    It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not uncommon

    to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of

    ten degradation accomplished.

XIX:

    Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will

    be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.

XX:

    In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding

    approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the

    administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XXI:

    It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.

XXII:

    If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,

    not selling advice.

XXIII:

    Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is

    currently estimated.

XXIV:

    The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an

    established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most

    costly action known to man.

XXV:

    A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete

    or a new canvas to an artist.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XXVI:

    If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each

    other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.

XXVII:

    Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of rank.

XXVIII:

    It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.

XXIX:

    Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their

    jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective results

    hang on about half a decade.

XXX:

    By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,

    the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XXXI:

    The optimum committee has no members.

XXXII:

    Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of

    turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.

XXXIII:

    Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.

XXXIV:

    The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work

    is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed

    randomly.

XXXV:

    The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,

    the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give

    the data authenticity.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

XXXVI:

    The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar

    contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the

    proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other

    at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.

XXXVII:

    Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.

    The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.

XXXVIII:

    The early bird gets the worm.

    The early worm ... gets eaten.

XXXIX:

    Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of

    the year -- in either direction.

XL:

    Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.

        -- Norman Augustine

%

Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still

be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.

        -- Snoopy

%

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

%

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right

and the budget is big enough.

        -- Joseph E. Levine

%

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

        -- Norman Douglas

%

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.

        -- Superchicken

%

You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the

Titanic had paying customers.

%

You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.

I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but

we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.

        -- J. Wellington Wells

%

YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be

a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really

important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward

to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and

make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when

you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

        SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!

%

 

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