• If you are citizen of an European Union member nation, you may not use this service unless you are at least 16 years old.

  • Dokkio Sidebar (from the makers of PBworks) is a Chrome extension that eliminates the need for endless browser tabs. You can search all your online stuff without any extra effort. And Sidebar was #1 on Product Hunt! Check out what people are saying by clicking here.



Page history last edited by dm 13 years, 8 months ago

100 buckets of bits on the bus   

100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground

FF buckets of bits on the bus   

FF buckets of bits on the bus   

FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground

FE buckets of bits on the bus   

ad infinitum...


99 blocks of crud on the disk,

99 blocks of crud!

You patch a bug, and dump it again:

100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,

100 blocks of crud!

You patch a bug, and dump it again:

101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...


A bit of talcum

Is always walcum

        -- Ogden Nash


A box without hinges, key, or lid,

Yet golden treasure inside is hid.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;

The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;

Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,

And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.

        -- Robert W. Service


A cousin of mine once said about money,

money is always there but the pockets change;

it is not in the same pockets after a change,

and that is all there is to say about money.

        -- Gertrude Stein


A Elbereth Gilthoniel,

silivren penna m'iriel

o menel aglar elenath!

Na chaered palan-d'iriel

o galadhremmin ennorath,

Fanuilos, le linnathon

nef aear, s'i  nef aearon!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


A fitter fits;                Though sinners sin

A cutter cuts;                And thinners thin

And an aircraft spotter spots;        And paper-blotters blot

A baby-sitter                I've never yet

Baby-sits --                Had letters let

But an otter never ots.            Or seen an otter ot.

A batter bats

(Or scatters scats);

A potting shed's for potting;

But no one's found

A bounder bound

Or caught an otter otting.

        -- Ralph Lewin


A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and

B is for biff, which reads all your mail.

C is for cc, as hackers recall, while

D is for dd, the command that does all.

E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and

F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.

G is for grep, a clever detective, while

H is for halt, which may seem defective.

I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and

J is for join, which nobody uses.

K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while

L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.

M is for more, from which less was begot, and

N is for nice, which it really is not.

O is for od, which prints out things nice, while

P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.

Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and

R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.

S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while

T is for true, which does very little.

U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and

V is for vi, which is hard to abort.

W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while

X is, well, X, of dubious fame.

Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and

Z is for zcat, which handles compression.

        -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX


A lady with one of her ears applied

To an open keyhole heard, inside,

Two female gossips in converse free --

The subject engaging them was she.

"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks

That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"

As soon as no more of it she could hear

The lady, indignant, removed her ear.

"I will not stay," she said with a pout,

"To hear my character lied about!"

        -- Gopete Sherany


A little word of doubtful number,

A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.

If you add an "s" to this,

Great is the metamorphosis.

Plural is plural now no more,

And sweet what bitter was before.

What am I?


A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,

He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.

        -- Richard Thompson


A man of genius makes no mistakes.

His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

        -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"


A man who fishes for marlin in ponds

will put his money in Etruscan bonds.


A mighty creature is the germ,

Though smaller than the pachyderm.

His customary dwelling place

Is deep within the human race.

His childish pride he often pleases

By giving people strange diseases.

Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?

You probably contain a germ.

        -- Ogden Nash


A pig is a jolly companion,

Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --

A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,

Though mountains may topple and tilt.

When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,

When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,

Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,

You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,

You'll never go wrong with a pig!

        -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"


A robin redbreast in a cage

Puts all Heaven in a rage.

        -- Blake


A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.

Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.

        -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"

I don't know what it's about.  I'm just the drummer.  Ask Peter.

        -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind

           the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down

           on Broadway".


A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.

All tenderly his messenger he chose;

Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--

One perfect rose.

I knew the language of the floweret;

"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."

Love long has taken for his amulet

One perfect rose.

Why is it no one ever sent me yet

One perfect limousine, do you suppose?

Ah no, it's always just my luck to get

One perfect rose.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"


A truth that's told with bad intent

Beats all the lies you can invent.

        -- William Blake


A-Z affectionately,

1 to 10 alphabetically,

from here to eternity without in betweens,

still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,

sales talk from sales assistants

    when all i want to do is lower your resistance,

no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,

love's on arrival,

she comes when she comes,

right on the target but wide of the mark...


Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)

Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,

And saw, within the moonlight in his room,

Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,

An angel writing in a book of gold.

Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,

And to the presence in the room he said,

"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head,

And with a look made of all sweet accord,

Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."

"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"

Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,

But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,

Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."

The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night

It came again with a great wakening light,

And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,

And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.

        -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"


After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain.  And futures have

A way of falling down in midflight,

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn

With every goodbye you learn.

        -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"


After all my erstwhile dear,

My no longer cherished,

Need we say it was not love,

Just because it perished?

        -- Edna St. Vincent Millay


Again she fled, but swift he came.

Tin'uviel!  Tin'uviel!

He called her by her elvish name;

And there she halted listening.

One moment stood she, and a spell

His voice laid on her: Beren came

And doom fell on Tin'uviel

That in his arms lay glistening.

As Beren looked into her eyes

Within the shadows of her hair,

The trembling starlight of the skies

He saw there mirrored shimmering.

Tin'uviel the elven-fair,

Immortal maiden elven-wise,

About him cast her shadowy hair

And arms like silver glimmering.

Long was the way that fate them bore,

O'er stony mountains cold and grey,

Through halls of iron and darkling door,

And woods of nightshade morrowless.

The Sundering Seas between them lay,

And yet at last they met once more,

And long ago they passed away

In the forest singing sorrowless.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


            Against Idleness and Mischief

How doth the little busy bee        How skillfully she builds her cell!

Improve each shining hour,        How neat she spreads the wax!

And gather honey all the day        And labours hard to store it well

From every opening flower!        With the sweet food she makes.

In works of labour or of skill        In books, or work, or healthful play,

I would be busy too;            Let my first years be passed,

For Satan finds some mischief still    That I may give for every day

For idle hands to do.            Some good account at last.

        -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748


Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,

Or what's a heaven for ?

        -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"


Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,

there's the rub.

For all dreams are not equal,

some exit to nightmare

most end with the dreamer

But at least one must be lived ... and died.


Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,

"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"

And I answer them most mysteriously:

"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"

        -- Bob Dylan


Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,

Aleph-null bottles of beer,

You take one down, and pass it around,

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.


Alive without breath,

As cold as death;

Never thirsty, ever drinking,

All in mail never clinking.


All I need to have a good time,

Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.

With those three things I don't need no sunshine,

A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.

All I want is to never grow old,

I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.

I want 97 kilos already rolled,

I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.

I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,

I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.

I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,

I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.

        -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"


All my friends are getting married,

Yes, they're all growing old,

They're all staying home on the weekend,

They're all doing what they're told.


All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


    All that you touch,        And all you create,

    All that you see,        And all you destroy,

    All that you taste,        All that you do,

    All you feel,            And all you say,

    And all that you love,        All that you eat,

    And all that you hate,        And everyone you meet,

    All you distrust,        All that you slight,

    All you save,            And everyone you fight,

    And all that you give,        And all that is now,

    And all that you deal,        And all that is gone,

    All that you buy,        And all that's to come,

    Beg, borrow or steal,        And everything under the sun is

                        in tune,

                    But the sun is eclipsed

                    By the moon.

There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.

        -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"


All the lines have been written        There's been Sandburg,

It's sad but it's true            Keats, Poe and McKuen

With all the words gone,        They all had their day

What's a young poet to do?        And knew what they're doin'

But of all the words written        The bird is a strange one,

And all the lines read,            So small and so tender

There's one I like most,        Its breed still unknown,

And by a bird it was said!        Not to mention its gender.

It reminds me of days of        So what is this line

Both gloom and of light.        Whose author's unknown

It still lifts my spirits        And still makes me giggle

And starts the day right.        Even now that I'm grown?

I've read all the greats

Both starving and fat,

But none was as great as

"I tot I taw a puddy tat."

        -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"


All the world's a VAX,

And all the coders merely butchers;

They have their exits and their entrails;

And one int in his time plays many widths,

His sizeof being _N bytes.  At first the infant,

Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.

And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,

And shining morning face, creeping like slug

Unwillingly to school.

        -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11


All who joy would win Must share it --

Happiness was born a twin.

        -- Lord Byron


An eye in a blue face

Saw an eye in a green face.

"That eye is like this eye"

Said the first eye,

"But in low place,

Not in high place."


An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort

Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.

A manly man, to be a wizard able;

Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.

His console, when he typed, a man might hear

Clicking and feeping wind as clear,

Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell

Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.

The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor

As old and strict he tended to ignore;

He let go by the things of yesterday

And took the modern world's more spacious way.

He did not rate that text as a plucked hen

Which says that Hackers are not holy men.

And that a hacker underworked is a mere

Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.

That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.

That was a text he held not worth an oyster.

And I agreed and said his views were sound;

Was he to study till his head wend round

Poring over books in the cloisters?  Must he toil

As Andy bade and till the very soil?

Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?

Let Andy have his labor to himself!

        -- Chaucer

        [well, almost.  Ed.]


And all that the Lorax left here in this mess

was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."

Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.

That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,

I've worried and worried and worried away.

Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,

I've worried about it with all of my heart.

"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,

the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better - it's not.

So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler.  He lets something fall.

"It's a truffula seed.  It's the last one of all!

"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.

And truffula trees are what everyone needs.

Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.

Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.

Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.

Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"


And as we stand on the edge of darkness

Let our chant fill the void

That others may know

    In the land of the night

    The ship of the sun

    Is drawn by

    The grateful dead.

        -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.


And did those feet, in ancient times,

Walk upon England's mountains green?

And was the Holy Lamb of God

In England's pleasant pastures seen?

And did the Countenance Divine

Shine forth upon these crowded hills?

And was Jerusalem builded here

Among these dark satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold!

Bring me my arrows of desire!

Bring me my spears!  O clouds unfold!

Bring me my chariot of fire!

I shall not cease from mental fight,

Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,

Till we have built Jerusalem

In England's green and pleasant land.

        -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"


And here I wait so patiently

Waiting to find out what price

You have to pay to get out of

Going thru all of these things twice

        -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"


And I heard Jeff exclaim,

As they strolled out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all --

You take credit cards, right?"

        -- "Outsiders" comic


And if California slides into the ocean,

Like the mystics and statistics say it will.

I predict this motel will be standing,

Until I've paid my bill.

        -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"


And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,

"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!


And if you wonder,

What I am doing,

As I am heading for the sink.

I am spitting out all the bitterness,

Along with half of my last drink.


And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,

Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.

        -- Joan Baez


And miles to go before I sleep.

        -- Robert Frost


And now your toner's toney,        Disk blocks aplenty

And your paper near pure white,        Await your laser drawn lines,

The smudges on your soul are gone    Your intricate fonts,

And your output's clean as light..    Your pictures and signs.

We've labored with your father,        Your amputative absence

The venerable XGP,            Has made the Ten dumb,

But his slow artistic hand,        Without you, Dover,

Lacks your clean velocity.        We're system untounged-

Theses and papers             DRAW Plots and TEXage

And code in a queue            Have been biding their time,

Dover, oh Dover,            With LISP code and programs,

We've been waiting for you.        And this crufty rhyme.

Dover, oh Dover,        Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.

We welcome you back,        Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.

Though still you may jam,    Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.

You're on the right track.    Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean



...and report cards I was always afraid to show

Mama'd come to school

and as I'd sit there softly cryin'

Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'

Got a good head if he'd apply it

but you know yourself

it's always somewhere else

I'd build me a castle

with dragons and kings

and I'd ride off with them

As I stood by my window

and looked out on those

Brooklyn roads

        -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"


And so it was, later,

As the miller told his tale,

That her face, at first just ghostly,

Turned a whiter shade of pale.

        -- Procol Harum


And the silence came surging softly backwards

When the plunging hooves were gone...

        -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"


And this is good old Boston,

The home of the bean and the cod,

Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,

And the Cabots talk only to God.


And we heard him exclaim

As he started to roam:

"I'm a hologram, kids,

please don't try this at home!'"

        -- Bob Violence


And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?

    She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.

    Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine

    All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"

        -- The Grateful Dead


Angels we have heard on High

Tell us to go out and Buy.

        -- Tom Lehrer


Antonio Antonio

Was tired of living alonio

He thought he would woo            Antonio Antonio

Miss Lucamy Lu,                Rode of on his polo ponio

Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.        And found the maid

                    In a bowery shade,

                    Sitting and knitting alonio.

Antonio Antonio

Said if you will be my ownio

I'll love tou true            Oh nonio Antonio

And buy for you                You're far too bleak and bonio

An icery creamry conio.            And all that I wish

                    You singular fish

                    Is that you will quickly begonio.

Antonio Antonio

Uttered a dismal moanio

And went off and hid

Or I'm told that he did

In the Antartical Zonio.


April is the cruellest month...

        -- Thomas Stearns Eliot


Are there those in the land of the brave

Who can tell me how I should behave

    When I am disgraced

    Because I erased

    A file I intended to save?


As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,

We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.

        -- Frederic Reynolds


As I was going up Punch Card Hill,

    Feeling worse and worser,

There I met a C.R.T.

    And it drop't me a cursor.

C.R.T., C.R.T.,

    Phosphors light on you!

If I had fifty hours a day

    I'd spend them all at you.

        -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes


As I was passing Project MAC,

I met a Quux with seven hacks.

Every hack had seven bugs;

Every bug had seven manifestations;

Every manifestation had seven symptoms.

Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,

How many losses at Project MAC?


As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,

I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,

The words were torn and tattered,

From the storm the night before,

The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,

Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,

Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,

Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,

And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.

Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,

Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,

Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,

And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.


As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,

The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;

It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,

An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!

Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,

Follow it through, me canny lad O;

Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,

Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!

        -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"


As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list -- I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might well be underground

And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.

        -- Koko, "The Mikado"


At times discretion should be thrown aside,

and with the foolish we should play the fool.

        -- Menander


Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


Azh nazg durbatal^uk, azh nazg gimbatul,

Azh nazg thrakatal^uk agh burzum ishi krimpatul!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely

get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


Be valiant, but not too venturous.

Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.

        -- John Lyly


Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

        -- John Keats


Because I do,

Because I do not hope,

Because I do not hope to survive

Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,

Because I do, only do,

I continue...

        -- T. S. Pynchon


Beneath this stone lies Murphy,

They buried him today,

He lived the life of Riley,

While Riley was away.


    better !pout !cry

    better watchout

    lpr why

    santa claus < north pole > town

    cat /etc/passwd > list

    ncheck list

    ncheck list

    cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist

    cat list | grep nice > giftlist

    santa claus < north pole > town

    who | grep sleeping

    who | grep awake

    who | grep bad || good

    for (goodness sake) {

        be good



Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the Shadow

        -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"

    [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when

     referring to system service dispatching.]


Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice

Are making midnight music in the moonlight,

Mighty nice!


Bit off more than my mind could chew,

Shower or suicide, what do I do?

        -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"


Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,

Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,

Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,

They were just some of my tropical fish.

Then I got mantas that sting in the water,

Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,

Savage male betas that bite with a squish,

Now I have many less tropical fish.

    If you think that

    Fish are peaceful

    That's an empty wish.

    Just dump them together

    And leave them alone,

    And soon you will have -- no fish.

        -- To My Favorite Things


Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,

The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,

A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,

She wants to hit those bricks,

    'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,

While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,

The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,

I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,

I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...

        -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"


Boy, get your head out of the stars above,

You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.

Save your heart and let your body be enough,

To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.

Save your heart and let your body be enough,

And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.

        -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"


Breathe deep the gathering gloom.

Watch lights fade from every room.

Bed-sitter people look back and lament;

another day's useless energies spent.

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.

Lonely man cries for love and has none.

New mother picks up and suckles her son.

Senior citizens wish they were young.

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;

Removes the colors from our sight.

Red is grey and yellow white.

But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."

        -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"


Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati

    girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;

i borogovi eran tutti mimanti

    e la moma radeva fuorigraba.

"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,

    dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;

fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco

    metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".

        -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"


But has any little atom,

    While a-sittin' and a-splittin',

Ever stopped to think or CARE

    That E = m c**2 ?


But I was there and I saw what you did,

I saw it with my own two eyes.

So you can wipe off that grin;

I know where you've been--

It's all been a pack of lies!


But scientists, who ought to know

Assure us that it must be so.

Oh, let us never, never doubt

What nobody is sure about.

        -- Hilaire Belloc


But soft you, the fair Ophelia:

Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,

But get thee to a nunnery -- go!

        -- Mark "The Bard" Twain


But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,

In proving foresight may be vain:

The best laid schemes o' mice an' men

Gang aft a-gley,

An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain

For promised joy.

        -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785


Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes

Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;

Less dear than army ants in apple pies

Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,

Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;

Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose

They suck, and like the double-breasted suit

Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,

Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;

And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:

Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;

Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.

Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,

Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.


By the time you swear you're his,

shivering and sighing

and he vows his passion is

infinite, undying --

Lady, make a note of this:

One of you is lying.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"


By the yard, life is hard.

By the inch, it's a cinch.


Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,

Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,

Calm down, and speak to me in English,

Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.


Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?

Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,

A root or two, a torus and a node:

The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"



Is dandy

But liquor

Is quicker.

        -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"

Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.

    Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,

    and sex won't rot your teeth.


Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.

        -- The Beach Boys


Cecil, you're my final hope

Of finding out the true Straight Dope

For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat

But none of my cats are at all like that.

This unusual animal (so it is said)

Is simultaneously alive and dead!

What I don't understand is just why he

Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.

My future now hangs in between eigenstates.

In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.

If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way

And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.

But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,

Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.

        -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium

           of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams


Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,

But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?

        -- Ogden Nash


Charlie was a chemist,

But Charlie is no more.

For what he thought was H2O,

Was H2SO4.


Children aren't happy without something to ignore,

And that's what parents were created for.

        -- Ogden Nash


Chivalry, Schmivalry!

    Roger the thief has a

    method he uses for

    sneaky attacks:

Folks who are reading are


    Always Forgetting to

    Guard their own bac ...


Christmas time is here, by Golly;    Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;

Disapproval would be folly;        Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;

Deck the halls with hunks of holly;    Even though the prospect sickens,

Fill the cup and don't say when...    Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day, you can't get sore;    Relations sparing no expense'll,

Your fellow man you must adore;        Send some useless old utensil,

There's time to rob him all the more,    Or a matching pen and pencil,

The other three hundred and sixty-four!    Just the thing I need... how nice.

It doesn't matter how sincere        Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,

It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;    Advertising wondrous things.

Sentiment will not endear it;        God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,

What's important is... the price.    May you make the Yuletide pay.

                    Angels We Have Heard On High,

Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;    Tell us to go out and buy.

Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,    Sooooo...

Driving his reindeer across the sky,

Don't stand underneath when they fly by!

        -- Tom Lehrer


Cold be hand and heart and bone,

and cold be sleep under stone;

never more to wake on stony bed,

never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead.

In the black wind the stars shall die,

and still on gold here let them lie,

till the dark lord lifts his hand

over dead sea and withered land.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring

Your winter garment of repentence fling.

The bird of time has but a little way

To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.

        -- Omar Khayyam


Come live with me and be my love,

And we will some new pleasures prove

Of golden sands and crystal brooks

With silken lines, and silver hooks.

There's nothing that I wouldn't do

If you would be my POSSLQ.

You live with me, and I with you,

And you will be my POSSLQ.

I'll be your friend and so much more;

That's what a POSSLQ is for.

And everything we will confess;

Yes, even to the IRS.

Some day on what we both may earn,

Perhaps we'll file a joint return.

You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;

You'll share my life - up to a point!

And that you'll be so glad to do,

Because you'll be my POSSLQ.


Come live with me, and be my love,

And we will some new pleasures prove

Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,

With silken lines, and silver hooks.

        -- John Donne


Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!

Catholic girls start much too late,

Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,

I might as well be the one.

Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,

Built you a temple and locked you away,

Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,

The things that you might have done.

So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,

Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,

That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,

Never lets in the sun.

Darling, only the good die young!

        -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"


Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,

And every vector dreams of matrices.

Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:

It whispers of a more ergodic zone.

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,

Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.

        -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2


Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,

Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,

Their indices bedecked from one to _n,

Commingled in an endless Markov chain!

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


Come, muse, let us sing of rats!

        -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767


Come, you spirits

That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,

And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full

Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,

Stop up the access and passage to remorse

That no compunctious visiting of nature

Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between

The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,

And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,

Wherever in your sightless substances

You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,

And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,

That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,

Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,

To cry `Hold, hold!'

        -- Lady MacBeth


Coming to Stores Near You:

101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:

    (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog

    It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing

    I'm Not Misbehaving

And A Whole Lot More...


Confusion will be my epitaph

as I walk a cracked and broken path

If we make it we can all sit back and laugh

but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.

        -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"


Death comes on every passing breeze,

He lurks in every flower;

Each season has its own disease,

Its peril -- every hour.

        -- Reginald Heber


    Deck us all with Boston Charlie,

    Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!

    Nora's freezin' on the trolley,

    Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

    Don't we know archaic barrel,

    Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.

    Trolley Molly don't love Harold,

    Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

        -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" [Walt Kelly]


Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.

        -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"


Despising machines to a man,

The Luddites joined up with the Klan,

    And ride out by night

    In a sheeting of white

To lynch all the robots they can.

        -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson


Didja' ever have to make up your mind,

Pick up on one and leave the other behind,

It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,

Didja' ever have to make up your mind?

        -- Lovin' Spoonful


Disillusioned words like bullets bark,

As human gods aim for their mark,

Make everything from toy guns that spark

To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.

It's easy to see without looking too far

That not much is really sacred.

        -- Bob Dylan


Do your otters do the shimmy?

Do they like to shake their tails?

Do your wombats sleep in tophats?

Is your garden full of snails?


Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,

It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,

Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,

I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.


Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;

don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;

don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,

or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...

remember, if you don't follow your dreams,

you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...

        -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"


Don't lose

Your head

To gain a minute

You need your head

Your brains are in it.

        -- Burma Shave


Don't wake me up too soon...

Gonna take a ride across the moon...

You and me.


Double Bucky, you're the one,

You make my keyboard so much fun,

Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)

Control and meta, side by side,

Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!

Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Oh, I sure wish that I,

Had a couple of bits more!

Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.

Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right

OR'd together, outta sight!

Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,

Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,

Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!

        -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit

        be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use

        by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]


Down to the Banana Republics,

Down to the tropical sun.

Go the expatriated Americans,

Hoping to find some fun.

Some of them go for the sailing,

Caught by the lure of the sea.

Trying to find what is ailing,

Living in the land of the free.

Some of them are running from lovers,

Leaving no forward address.

Some of them are running tons of ganja,

Some are running from the IRS.

Late at night you will find them,

In the cheap hotels and bars.

Hustling the senoritas,

While they dance beneath the stars.

        -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"


Drink and dance and laugh and lie

Love, the reeling midnight through

For tomorrow we shall die!

(But, alas, we never do.)

        -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"


Easy come and easy go,

    some call me easy money,

Sometimes life is full of laughs,

    and sometimes it ain't funny

You may think that I'm a fool

    and sometimes that is true,

But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,

    with or without you.

        -- Hoyt Axton


Eleanor Rigby

    Sits at the keyboard

    And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

    Finding some code

    That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Hacker MacKensie

Writing the code for a program that no one will run

It's nearly done

Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's

    nobody there.

What does he care?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Ah, look at all the lonely users.

Ah, look at all the lonely users.


Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning

Endless the quest;

I turn again, back to my own beginning,

And here, find rest.


Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven

    Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;

Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven

    Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.

        -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"


Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;

Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.

        -- Goethe, "Faust"


Even a man who is pure at heart,

And says his prayers at night

Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,

And the moon is full and bright.

        -- The Wolf Man, 1941


Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,

When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,

Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;

And that I knew, though not the day and hour.

Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,

To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:

Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,

I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."

I only hoped, with the mild hope of all

Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,

A fairer summer and a later fall

Than in these parts a man is apt to see,

And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:

I tell you this across the blackened vine.

        -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of

           Our Earliest Kiss", 1931


Ever Onward!  Ever Onward!

That's the sprit that has brought us fame.

We're big but bigger we will be,

We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity

Has been our aim.

Our products now are known in every zone.

Our reputation sparkles like a gem.

We've fought our way thru

And new fields we're sure to conquer, too

For the Ever Onward IBM!

        -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook


Ever since I was a young boy,

I've hacked the ARPA net,

From Berkeley down to Rutgers,        He's on my favorite terminal,

Any access I could get,            He cats C right into foo,

But ain't seen nothing like him,    His disciples lead him in,

On any campus yet,            And he just breaks the root,

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,        Always has full SYS-PRIV's,

Sure sends a mean packet.        Never uses lint,

                    That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,

                    Sure sends a mean packet.

He's a UNIX wizard,

There has to be a twist.

The UNIX wizard's got            Ain't got no distractions,

Unlimited space on disk.        Can't hear no whistles or bells,

How do you think he does it?        Can't see no message flashing,

I don't know.                Types by sense of smell,

What makes him so good?            Those crazy little programs,

                    The proper bit flags set,

                    That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,

                    Sure sends a mean packet.

        -- UNIX Wizard


Every love's the love before

In a duller dress.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"


Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.

        -- Miguel de Cervantes


Every night my prayers I say,

    And get my dinner every day;

And every day that I've been good,

    I get an orange after food.

The child that is not clean and neat,

    With lots of toys and things to eat,

He is a naughty child, I'm sure--

    Or else his dear papa is poor.

        -- Robert Louis Stevenson


Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.  Everybody rolls with their

fingers crossed.  Everybody knows the war is over.  Everybody knows the

good guys lost.  Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay

poor, the rich get rich.  That's how it goes.  Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking.  Everybody knows the captain

lied.  Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog

just died.

Everybody talking to their pockets.  Everybody wants a box of chocolates

and long stem rose.  Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that you love me, baby.  Everybody knows that you really

do.  Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or

two.  Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people

you just had to meet without your clothes.  And everybody knows.

And everybody knows it's now or never.  Everybody knows that it's me or you.

And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.

Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton

for you ribbons and bows.  And everybody knows.

        -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"


Everything's great in this good old world;

(This is the stuff they can always use.)

God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;

(This will provide for baby's shoes.)

Hunger and War do not mean a thing;

Everything's rosy where'er we roam;

Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!

(This is what fetches the bacon home.)

        -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"


Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,

Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,

Everyone is looking for the answer,

Well look again.

        -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"


F:    When into a room I plunge, I

    Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.

    Then I linger, darkly brooding

    On the poison they're exuding.

        -- The Roguelet's ABC


Families, when a child is born

Want it to be intelligent.

I, through intelligence,

Having wrecked my whole life,

Only hope the baby will prove

Ignorant and stupid.

Then he will crown a tranquil life

By becoming a Cabinet Minister

        -- Su Tung-p'o


Farewell we call to hearth and hall!

Though wind may blow and rain may fall,

We must away ere break of day

Far over wood and mountain tall.

    To Rivendell, where Elves yet dwell

    In glades beneath the misty fell,

    Through moor and waste we ride in haste,

    And whither then we cannot tell.

With foes ahead, behind us dread,

Beneath the sky shall be our bed,

Until at last our toil be passed,

Our journey done, our errand sped.

    We must away!  We must away!

    We ride before the break of day!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,

An endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature.

Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses

Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.

I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,

A singular development of cat communications

That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection

For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.

A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:

You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;

And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,

It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.

Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display

Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.

And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,

I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.

        -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"


Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

Drink and the devil had done for the rest,

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

        -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"


Fifty flippant frogs

Walked by on flippered feet

And with their slime they made the time

Unnaturally fleet.


Finality is death.

Perfection is finality.

Nothing is perfect.

There are lumps in it.


Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,

Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,

I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,

And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,

Yes, I'm goin' insane,

And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,

Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?

    Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,

    Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a

    Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...

You fellah, you tearin' up the street,

You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,

Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,

That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,

Yes, and goin' insane,

You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,

Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?


        -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"


Flying saucers on occasion

    Show themselves to human eyes.

Aliens fume, put off invasion

    While they brand these tales as lies.


"For a couple o' pins," says Troll, and grins,

"I'll eat thee too, and gnaw thy shins.

A bit o' fresh meat will go down sweet!

I'll try my teeth on thee now.

    Hee now!  See now!

I'm tired o' gnawing old bones and skins;

I've a mind to dine on thee now."

But just as he thought his dinner was caught,

He found his hands had hold of naught.

Before he could mind, Tom slipped behing

And gave him the boot to larn him.

    Warn him!  Darn him!

A bump o' the boot on the seat, Tom thoguht,

Would be the way to larn him.

But harder than stone is the flesh and bone

Of a troll that sits in the hills alone.

As well set your boot to the mountain's root,

For the seat of a troll don't feel it.

    Peel it!  Heal it!

Old Troll laughed, when he heard Tom groan,

And he knew his toes could feel it.

Tom's leg is game, since home he came,

And his bootless foot is lasting lame;

But Troll don't care, and he's still there

With the bone he boned from its owner.

    Doner!  Boner!

Troll's old seat is still the same,

And the bone he boned from its owner!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


For gin, in cruel

Sober truth,

Supplies the fuel

For flaming youth.

        -- Noel Coward


For knighthood is not in the feats of war,

As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,

But in a cause which truth cannot defer:

He ought himself for to make sure and strong,

Just to keep mixt with mercy among:

And no quarrel a knight ought to take

But for a truth, or for the common's sake.

        -- Stephen Hawes


"Force is but might," the teacher said--

"That definition's just."

The boy said naught but thought instead,

Remembering his pounded head:

"Force is not might but must!"


Four be the things I am wiser to know:

Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:

Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:

Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:

Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" [or "Not so Deep as a Well"?]


Friends, Romans, Hipsters,

Let me clue you in;

I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.

The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;

The hip bits, like, go down under;

so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus

Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;

If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,

And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.

Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, --

for Brutus is a real cool cat;

So are they all, all cool cats, --

Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.


From too much love of living,

From hope and fear set free,

We thank with brief thanksgiving,

Whatever gods may be,

That no life lives forever,

That dead men rise up never,

That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.

        -- Swinburne


Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.

        -- Dylan Thomas [paraphrased periphrastically]


Get out, you old Wight!  Vanish in the sunlight!

Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,

Out into the barren lands far beyond the mountains!

Come never here again!  Leave your barrow empty!

Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,

Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):

'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)

Snatch them from their little housies (...)

First we chase them 'round the field (...)

Then we have them for a meal (...)

Toss them here and catch them there (...)

See them flying through the air (...)

Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)

Falling mice have great appeal (...)

See the hunter stretched before us (...)

He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)

Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)

Of the blood of little critters (...)


Gil-galad was an Elven-king.

Of him the harpers sadly sing:

the last whose realm was fair and free

between the Mountains and the Sea.

His sword was long, his lance was keen,

his shining helm afar was seen;

the countless stars of heaven's field

were mirrored in his silver shield.

But long ago he rode away,

and where he dwelleth none can say;

for into darkness fell his star

in Mordor where the shadows are.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,

    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...

But if you split those atoms fine,

    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,

    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...

Call the devil and sell my soul,

    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!

        -- Milo Bloom, "The Split-Atom Blues," in "Bloom County"


Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,

Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!

But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,

Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.

        -- George Canning


Give me your students, your secretaries,

Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.

Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.

I lift my disk beside the processor.

        -- Inscription on a Word Processor


Go placidly amid the noise and waste,

And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,

And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss -- and when.

Remember that two wrongs never make a right,

But that three do.

Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".

Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,

And despite the changing fortunes of time,

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

    You are a fluke of the universe ...

    You have no right to be here.

    Whether you can hear it or not, the universe

    Is laughing behind your back.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may

be in owning a piece thereof.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


God rest ye CS students now,        The bearings on the drum are gone,

Let nothing you dismay.            The disk is wobbling, too.

The VAX is down and won't be up,    We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol

Until the first of May.            Can't tell false from true.

The program that was due this morn,    And now we find that we can't get

Won't be postponed, they say.        At Berkeley's 4.2.

(chorus)                (chorus)

We've just received a call from DEC,    And now some cheery news for you,

They'll send without delay        The network's also dead,

A monitor called RSuX            We'll have to print your files on

It takes nine hundred K.        The line printer instead.

The staff committed suicide,        The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.

We'll bury them today.            And only cards are read.

(chorus)                (chorus)

And now we'd like to say to you        CHORUS:    Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,

Before we go away,                Comfort and joy,

We hope the news we've brought to you        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

Won't ruin your whole day.

You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.


        -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen


Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields

Sold in a market down in New Orleans

Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright

Hear him whip the women, just around midnight

Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?

Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should

Drums beating cold English blood runs hot

Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop

House boy knows that he's doing alright

You should a heard him just around midnight.


I bet your mama was tent show queen

And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen

I'm no school boy but I know what I like

You should have heard me just around midnight.

        -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"


Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,

I went out for a ride and never came back.

Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,

I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.

    Everybody's got a hungry heart.

    Everybody's got a hungry heart.

    Lay down your money and you play your part,

    Everybody's got a hungry heart.

I met her in a Kingstown bar,

We fell in love, I knew it had to end.

We took what we had and we ripped it apart,

Now here I am down in Kingstown again.

Everybody needs a place to rest,

Everybody wants to have a home.

Don't make no difference what nobody says,

Ain't nobody likes to be alone.

        -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"


Graphics blind the eyes.

Audio files deafen the ear.

Mouse clicks numb the fingers.

Heuristics weaken the mind.

Options wither the heart.

The Guru observes the net

but trusts his inner vision.

He allows things to come and go.

His heart is as open as the ether.


H:    If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,

    Slice him up before he slays you.

    Nothing makes you look a slob

    Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).

        -- The Roguelet's ABC


    Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there

may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.

Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,

even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and

aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.

    If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,

for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.

Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real

hassle and could change your fortunes in time.

    Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of

bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive

for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for

proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical

about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.

    Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass

them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield

you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings

-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the

Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.

    Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you

can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken

line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive

to stay employed.

        -- Technolorata, "Analog"


"Had he and I but met

By some old ancient inn,        But ranged as infantry,

We should have sat us down to wet    And staring face to face,

Right many a nipperkin!            I shot at him as he at me,

                    And killed him in his place.

I shot him dead because --

Because he was my foe,            He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,

Just so: my foe of course he was;    Off-hand-like -- just as I --

That's clear enough; although        Was out of work -- had sold his traps

                    No other reason why.

Yes; quaint and curious war is!

You shoot a fellow down

You'd treat, if met where any bar is

Or help to half-a-crown."

        -- Thomas Hardy


Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.

But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See?

But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,

When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?


Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.

        -- Pink Floyd


        Hard Copies and Chmod

And everyone thinks computers are impersonal

cold diskdrives hardware monitors

user-hostile software

of course they're only bits and bytes

and characters and strings

and files

just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend

telling me he loves me and

he'll take care of me

simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory

deep intimate secrets and

how he doesn't trust me

couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould

on personal stationery

        -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu


Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,

Advertising wondrous things.

Angels we have heard on High

Tell us to go out and Buy.

        -- Tom Lehrer


Have you ever felt like a wounded cow

halfway between an oven and a pasture?

walking in a trance toward a pregnant

    seventeen-year-old housewife's

    two-day-old cookbook?

        -- Richard Brautigan


Have you seen how Sonny's burning,

Like some bright erotic star,

He lights up the proceedings,

And raises the temperature.

        -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"


Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,

Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?

In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side

Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.

How can you tell me you're lonely,

And say for you the sun don't shine?

Let me take you by the hand

Lead you through the streets of London

I'll show you something to make you change your mind...

Have you seen the old man outside the sea-man's mission

Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.

In our winter city the rain cries a little pity

For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...


Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?

On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,

High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,

Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,

Why don't you go where fashion sits,


Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,

Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)

Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,

Or umberellas, in their mitts,

Puttin' on the Ritz.


If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,

Why don't you go where fashion sits,

Puttin' on the Ritz.

Puttin' on the Ritz.

Puttin' on the Ritz.

Puttin' on the Ritz.


He heard there oft the flying sound

Of feet as light as linden-leaves,

Of music welling underground,

In hidden hollows quavering.

Now withered lay the hemlock-sheaves,

And one by one with sighing sound

Whispering fell the beechen leaves

In the wintry woodland wavering.

He sought her ever, wandering far

Where leaves of years were thickly strewn,

By light of moon and ray of star

In frosty heavens shivering.

Her mantle glinted in the moon,

As on a hill-top high and far

She danced, and at her feet was strewn

A mist of silver quivering.

When winter passed, she came again,

And her song released the sudden spring,

Like rising lark, and falling rain,

And melting water bubbling.

He saw the elven-flowers spring

About her feet, and healed again

He longed by her to dance and sing

Upon the grass untroubling.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


He thought he saw an albatross

That fluttered 'round the lamp.

He looked again and saw it was

A penny postage stamp.

"You'd best be getting home," he said,

"The nights are rather damp."


He who invents adages for others to peruse

takes along rowboat when going on cruise.


He who loses, wins the race,

And parallel lines meet in space.

        -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"


He's been like a father to me,

He's the only DJ you can get after three,

I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,

And why he don't like me I don't understand.

        -- The Byrds


Her locks an ancient lady gave

Her loving husband's life to save;

And men -- they honored so the dame --

Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,

Who'd give their lords to save their hair,

No stellar recognition's given.

There are not stars enough in heaven.


Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be

I've been caught inside this trap too many times

I must've walked these steps and said these words a

    thousand times before

It seems like I know everybody's lines.

        -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"


Here I sit, broken-hearted,

All logged in, but work unstarted.

First net.this and net.that,

And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,

Then I turn back to net.flame.

Is there a cure (I need your views),

For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,

'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.


Here in my heart, I am Helen;

    I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.

I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;

    I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;

    Lady Hamilton am I, as well.

In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,

    With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies

    At whose beckoning history shook.

But you are a man, and see only my pan,

    So I stay at home with a book.

        -- Dorothy Parker






        -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ


Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!

Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!

Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Hey! Come derry dol!  Hop along, my hearties!

Hobbits!  Ponies all!  We are fond of parties.

Now let the fun begin!  Let us sing together!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Hey! Come merry dol! derry dol!  My darling!

Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling.

Down along under Hill, shining in the sunlight,

Waiting on the doorstep for the cold starlight,

There my pretty lady is, River-woman's daughter,

Slender as the willow-wand, clearer than the water.

Old Tom Bombadil water-lilies bringing

Comes hopping home again.  Can you hear him singing?

Hey!  Come merry dol! derry dol! and merry-o

Goldberry, Goldberry, merry yellow berry-o!

Poor old Willow-man, you tuck your roots away!

Tom's in a hurry now.  Evening will follow day.

Tom's going home again water-lilies bringing.

Hey! come derry dol!  Can you hear me singing?

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Hey! now!  Come hoy now!  Whither do you wander?

Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder?

Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin,

White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl

To get a little more stack;

If that's not enough then you lose it all

And have to pop all the way back.


Hickory Dickory Dock,

The mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

The others escaped with minor injuries.


Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;

Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich.

Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt,    Here lies a man with sundry flaws

Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt.    And numerous Sins upon his head;

                    We buried him today because

                    As far as we can tell, he's dead.

        -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty

           Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher;

           "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele


Higgeldy Piggeldy,

Hamlet of Elsinore

Ruffled the critics by

Dropping this bomb:

"Phooey on Freud and his

Psychoanalysis --

Oedipus, Shmoedipus,

I just love Mom."


...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.

        -- The Who, "Tommy"


History is curious stuff

    You'd think by now we had enough

Yet the fact remains I fear

    They make more of it every year.


Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,

Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.

Pour my black old coffee longer,

While that smell is gettin' stronger

A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.

Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,

With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,

If that coat'll fit you're wearin',

The Lord'll bless your sharin'

A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.

And let me halfway fall in love,

For part of a lonely night,

With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.

Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--

Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,

With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.

        -- Elroy Blunt


Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go

To heal my heart and drown my woe.

Rain may fall and wind may blow,

And many miles be still to go,

But under a tall tree I will lie,

And let the clouds go sailing by.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!

By water, wood and hill, by reed and willow,

By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear us!

Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle!

Tom's going on ahead candles for to kindle.

Down west sinks the Sun; soon you will be groping.

When the night-shadows fall, then the door will open,

Out of the winfow-panes light will twinkle yellow.

Fear no alder black!  Heed no hoary willow!

Fear neither root nor bough!  Tom goes on before you.

Hey now! merry dol!  We'll be waiting for you!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

        -- Pink Floyd


How doth the little crocodile

    Improve his shining tail,

And pour the waters of the Nile

    On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,

    How neatly spreads his claws,

And welcomes little fishes in,

    With gently smiling jaws!

        -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"


How doth the VAX's C-compiler

    Improve its object code.

And even as we speak does it

    Increase the system load.

How patiently it seems to run

    And spit out error flags,

While users, with frustration, all

    Tear their clothes to rags.


Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!

All the king's horses,

And all the king's men,

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!


I always will remember --        I was in no mood to trifle;

'Twas a year ago November --        I got down my trusty rifle

I went out to shoot some deer        And went out to stalk my prey --

On a morning bright and clear.        What a haul I made that day!

I went and shot the maximum        I tied them to my bumper and

The game laws would allow:        I drove them home somehow,

Two game wardens, seven hunters,    Two game wardens, seven hunters,

And a cow.                And a cow.

The Law was very firm, it        People ask me how I do it

Took away my permit--            And I say, "There's nothin' to it!

The worst punishment I ever endured.    You just stand there lookin' cute,

It turns out there was a reason:    And when something moves, you shoot."

Cows were out of season, and        And there's ten stuffed heads

One of the hunters wasn't insured.    In my trophy room right now:

                    Two game wardens, seven hunters,

                    And a pure-bred guernsey cow.

        -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"


I am changing my name to Chrysler

I am going down to Washington, D.C.

I will tell some power broker

    What they did for Iacocca

Will be perfectly acceptable to me!

I am changing my name to Chrysler,

I am heading for that great receiving line.

When they hand a million grand out,

    I'll be standing with my hand out,

Yessir, I'll get mine!




We all B M

For I B M!!!!

        -- H.A.R.L.I.E.


I can live without

Someone I love

But not without

Someone I need.

        -- "Safety"


I can see him a'comin'

With his big boots on,

With his big thumb out,

He wants to get me.

He wants to hurt me.

He wants to bring me down.

But some time later,

When I feel a little straighter,

I'll come across a stranger

Who'll remind me of the danger,

And then.... I'll run him over.

Pretty smart on my part!

To find my way... In the dark!

        -- Phil Ochs


I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

        -- Joe Walsh


I don't know what Descartes' got,

But booze can do what Kant cannot.

        -- Mike Cross


I don't need no arms around me...

I don't need no drugs to calm me...

I have seen the writing on the wall.

Don't think I need anything at all.

No!  Don't think I need anything at all!

All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.

All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.

        -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III


I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,

But there will definitely be a party tonight...


I don't want a pickle,

    I just wanna ride on my motorsickle.

And I don't want to die,

    I just want to ride on my motorcy.


        -- Arlo Guthrie


I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;

I gave my love a building, that had no floor;

I wrote my love a program, that had no end;

I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.

How can there be an Apple, that has no core?

How can there be a building, that has no floor?

How can there be a program, that has no end?

How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?

An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!

A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!

A program with GOTOs, it has no end!

I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!


I get up each morning, gather my wits.

Pick up the paper, read the obits.

If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.

So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?

My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.

But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,

And think of the places my get-up has been.

        -- Pete Seeger


I had an errand there: gathering water-lilies,

green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady,

the last ere the year's end to keep them from the winter,

to flower by her pretty feet till the snows are melted.

Each year at summer's end I go to find them for her,

in a wide pool, deep and clear, far down Withywindle;

there they open first in spring and there they linger latest.

By that pool long ago I found the River-daughter,

fair young Goldberry sitting in the rushes.

Sweet was her singing then, and her heart was beating!

And that proved well for you--for now I shall no longer

go down deep again along the forest-water,

no while the year is old.  Nor shall I be passing

Old Man Willow's house this side of spring-time,

not till the merry spring, when the River-daughter

dances down the withy-path to bathe in the water.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,

And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.

He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;

And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--

Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;

For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,

And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.

        -- R. L. Stevenson


I have learned

To spell hors d'oeuvres

Which still grates on

Some people's n'oeuvres.

        -- Warren Knox


I have lots of things in my pockets;

None of them is worth anything.

Sociopolitical whines aside,

Gan you give me, gratis, free,

The price of half a gallon

Of Gallo extra bad

And most of the bus fare home.


I have no doubt the Devil grins,

As seas of ink I spatter.

Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--

The other kind don't matter.

        -- Robert W. Service


I have that old biological urge,

I have that old irresistible surge,

I'm hungry.


I knew Leo G. Carrol

Was over a barrel

When Tarantula took to the hills.    ["Lick it!"]

And I really got hot

When I saw Jeanette Scott

Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.

Science fiction, double feature

Doctor X will build a creature.

See androids fighting Brad and Janet

Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

At the late night, double feature, picture show.

        -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show


I know if you been talkin' you done said

just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.

You wuz suprised that they could understand you words

and never respond once to all the truth they heard.

But don't you get square!

There ain't no rule that says they got to care.

They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.


I lately lost a preposition;

It hid, I thought, beneath my chair

And angrily I cried, "Perdition!

Up from out of under there."

Correctness is my vade mecum,

And straggling phrases I abhor,

And yet I wondered, "What should he come

Up from out of under for?"

        -- Morris Bishop


I lay my head on the railroad tracks,

Waitin' for the double E.

The railroad don't run no more.

Poor poor pitiful me.            [chorus]

    Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.

    These young girls won't let me be,

    Lord have mercy on me!

    Woe is me!

Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,

Well, I ain't naming names.

But she really worked me over good,

She was just like Jesse James.

She really worked me over good,

She was a credit to her gender.

She put me through some changes, boy,

Sort of like a Waring blender.        [chorus]

I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,

She asked me if I'd beat her.

She took me back to the Hyatt House,

I don't want to talk about it.        [chorus]

        -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"


I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah

Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda

    S-O-D-A soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log

I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda

    Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen

A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green

    Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand

How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand

    Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

        -- Weird Al Yankovic, "The Star Wars Song," to the tune of

           "Lola" by the Kinks


I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;

I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.

        -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"


I never saw a purple cow

I never hope to see one

But I can tell you anyhow

I'd rather see than be one.

        -- Gellett Burgess

I've never seen a purple cow

I never hope to see one

But from the milk we're getting now

There certainly must be one

        -- Odgen Nash

Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"

I'm sorry now I wrote it

But I can tell you anyhow

I'll kill you if you quote it.

        -- Gellett Burgess, many years later


I owe, I owe,

It's off to work I go...


I really hate this damned machine

I wish that they would sell it.

It never does quite what I want

But only what I tell it.


"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."

He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."

I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,

And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."

        -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"


I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,

'Round and round they sped.

I was disturbed at this,

I accosted the man,

"It is futile," I said.

"You can never--"

"You lie!" He cried,

and ran on.

        -- Stephen Crane


I see a bad moon rising.

I see trouble on the way.

I see earthquakes and lightnin'

I see bad times today.

Don't go 'round tonight,

It's bound to take your life.

There's a bad moon on the rise.

        -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"


I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,

I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.

Bernoulli would have been content to die

Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


I sent a letter to the fish,        I said it very loud and clear,

I told them, "This is what I wish."    I went and shouted in his ear.

The little fishes of the sea,        But he was very stiff and proud,

They sent an answer back to me.        He said "You needn't shout so loud."

The little fishes' answer was        And he was very proud and stiff,

"We cannot do it, sir, because..."    He said "I'll go and wake them if..."

I sent a letter back to say        I took a kettle from the shelf,

It would be better to obey.        I went to wake them up myself.

But someone came to me and said        But when I found the door was locked

"The little fishes are in bed."        I pulled and pushed and kicked and


I said to him, and I said it plain    And when I found the door was shut,

"Then you must wake them up again."    I tried to turn the handle, But...

    "Is that all?" asked Alice.

    "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."


I sent a message to another time,

But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,

I sent a message to another plane,

Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.


I met someone who looks at lot like you,

She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.

She's only programmed to be very nice,

But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,

She tells me that she likes me very much,

But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.


I realize that it must seem so strange,

That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,

She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,

She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.

        -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"


I shot a query into the net.

I haven't got an answer yet,        A posted message called me rotten

But seven people gave me hell        For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;

And said I ought to learn to spell;    An angry message asked me, Please

                    Don't send such drivel overseas;

A lawyer sent me private mail

And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --    One netter thought it was a hoax:

I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem        "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";

And failed to add the T and M;        Another called my grammar vile

                    And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each Subject line

In hopes the topic will be mine;

I shot a query into the net.

I haven't got an answer yet...

        -- Ed Nather


I stood on the leading edge,

The eastern seaboard at my feet.

"Jump!" said Yoko Ono

I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.

Go on and give it a try,

Why prolong the agony, all men must die.

        -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"


I think that I shall never hear

A poem lovelier than beer.

The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,

With golden base and snowy cap.

The stuff that I can drink all day

Until my mem'ry melts away.

Poems are made by fools, I fear

But only Schlitz can make a beer.


I think that I shall never see

A billboard lovely as a tree.

Indeed, unless the billboards fall

I'll never see a tree at all.

        -- Ogden Nash


I think that I shall never see

A thing as lovely as a tree.

But as you see the trees have gone

They went this morning with the dawn.

A logging firm from out of town

Came and chopped the trees all down.

But I will trick those dirty skunks

And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.


"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"

"As a programmer, yes," she replied,

"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"

"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"

Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,

They had so much in common, you'd say.

They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,

And prompts that were cute or risque'.

He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,

She sent one from some past high school day,

And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,

If they hadn't met in L.A.

"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.

He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"

And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest

If you were not so totally weird!"

If she had not said what he wanted to hear,

And he had not done just the same,

They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,

And would not have had fun with the game.

        -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of

        Electronic Mail"


I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,

I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,

I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,

With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,

And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,

    No more, Mr. Nice Guy,

    No more, Mr. Clean,

    No more, Mr. Nice Guy,

They say "He's sick, he's obscene".

My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,

Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,

I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,

The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,

And punched me in the nose, he said,


He said "You're sick, you're obscene".

        -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"


I was born in a barrel of butcher knives

Trouble I love and peace I despise

Wild horses kicked me in my side

Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.

        -- Bo Diddley


I was eatin' some chop suey,

With a lady in St. Louie,

When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.

And that knocker, he says, "Honey,

Roll this rocker out some money,

Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."

        -- Mr. Miggle


I went home with a waitress,

The way I always do.

How I was I to know?

She was with the Russians too.

I was gambling in Havana,

I took a little risk.

Send lawyers, guns, and money,

Dad, get me out of this.

        -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"


I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.

I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"

He said "Nothin'."

Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;

As if you just squashed a cop.

        -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"


I will not play at tug o' war.

I'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugs

Instead of tugs,

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses,

And everyone grins,

And everyone cuddles,

And everyone wins.

        -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug o' War"


I woke up a feelin' mean

went down to play the slot machine

the wheels turned round,

and the letters read

"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"

        -- Grateful Dead


I would like to know

What I was fencing in

And what I was fencing out.

        -- Robert Frost


I'd never cry if I did find

    A blue whale in my soup...

Nor would I mind a porcupine

    Inside a chicken coop.

Yes life is fine when things combine,   

    Like ham in beef chow mein...

But lord, this time I think I mind,

    They've put acid in my rain.

        -- - Milo Bloom


I'd rather laugh with the sinners,

Than cry with the saints,

The sinners are much more fun!

        -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"


I'll grant thee random access to my heart,

Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;

And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove

And in our bound partition never part.

Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?

Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,

A root or two, a torus and a node:

The inverse of my verse, a null domain.

I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,

I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.

Bernoulli would have been content to die

Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)!

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


I'll learn to play the Saxophone,

I play just what I feel.

Drink Scotch whisky all night long,

And die behind the wheel.

They got a name for the winners in the world,

I want a name when I lose.

They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,

Call me Deacon Blues.

        -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"


I'll see you... on the dark side of the moon...

        -- Pink Floyd


I'm an artist.

But it's not what I really want to do.

What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.

I know what you're going to say --

"Dreamer!  Get your head out of the clouds."

All right!  But it's what I want to do.

Instead I have to go on painting all day long.

The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.

        -- J. Feiffer


I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.

        -- The Who


I'm just as sad as sad can be!

    I've missed your special date.

Please say that you're not mad at me

    My tax return is late.

        -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards


i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be

living apart.

        -- e. e. cummings


I'm N-ary the tree, I am,

N-ary the tree, I am, I am.

I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,

She's traversed me seven times before.

And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)

Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)

I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.

N-ary the tree I am, I am,

N-ary the tree I am.

        -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders


I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here

        -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

        -- Song title by Jerry Reed.

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?

        -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

        -- Unattributed song title.

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life

        -- Unattributed song title.


I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,

I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,

I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

        -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"


I've been on this lonely road so long,

Does anybody know where it goes,

I remember last time the signs pointed home,

A month ago.

        -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"


I've built a better model than the one at Data General

For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral

My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;

My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.

My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,

You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;

There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;

My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:

There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,

Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral

I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

        -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of

           "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",

           by Gilbert & Sullivan)


I've finally found the perfect girl,

I couldn't ask for more,

She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,

And owns a liquor store.


I/O, I/O,

It's off to disk I go,

A bit or byte to read or write,

I/O, I/O, I/O...
















IBM had a PL/I,

    Its syntax worse than JOSS;

And everywhere this language went,

    It was a total loss.


If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,

... it expects what never was and never will be.

        -- Thomas Jefferson


If a system is administered wisely,

its users will be content.

They enjoy hacking their code

and don't waste time implementing

labor-saving shell scripts.

Since they dearly love their accounts,

they aren't interested in other machines.

There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,

but these don't access any hosts.

There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,

but nobody ever uses them.

People enjoy reading their mail,

take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,

spend weekends working at their terminals,

delight in the doings at the site.

And even though the next system is so close

that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,

they are content to die of old age

without ever having gone to see it.


If all be true that I do think,

There be five reasons why one should drink;

Good friends, good wine, or being dry,

Or lest we should be by-and-by,

Or any other reason why.


If all the seas were ink,

And all the reeds were pens,

And all the skies were parchment,

And all the men could write,

These would not suffice

To write down all the red tape

Of this Government.


If an S and an I and an O and a U

With an X at the end spell Su;

And an E and a Y and an E spell I,

Pray what is a speller to do?

Then, if also an S and an I and a G

And an HED spell side,

There's nothing much left for a speller to do

But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

        -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"


If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....

Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?  What a shame, sir!

We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

        -- DementDJ@ccip.perkin-elmer.com (DementDJ) [rec.humor.funny]


If I could read your mind, love,

What a tale your thoughts could tell,

Just like a paperback novel,

The kind the drugstore sells,

When you reach the part where the heartaches come,

The hero would be me,

Heroes often fail,

You won't read that book again, because

    the ending is just too hard to take.

I walk away, like a movie star,

Who gets burned in a three way script,

Enter number two,

A movie queen to play the scene

Of bringing all the good things out in me,

But for now, love, let's be real

I never thought I could act this way,

And I've got to say that I just don't get it,

I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone

And I just can't get it back...

        -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"


If I could stick my pen in my heart,

I would spill it all over the stage.

Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,

Would you think the boy was strange?

Ain't he strange?


If I could stick a knife in my heart,

Suicide right on the stage,

Would it be enough for your teenage lust,

Would it help to ease the pain?

Ease your brain?

        -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"


If I don't drive around the park,

I'm pretty sure to make my mark.

If I'm in bed each night by ten,

I may get back my looks again.

If I abstain from fun and such,

I'll probably amount to much;

But I shall stay the way I am,

Because I do not give a damn.

        -- Dorothy Parker


If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?

        -- Alan Parsons Project


If I traveled to the end of the rainbow

As Dame Fortune did intend,

Murphy would be there to tell me

The pot's at the other end.

        -- Bert Whitney


If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,

Eating components of soured milk.

On at least one occasion,

    along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,

Or at least in her vicinity,

And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,

Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.

        -- Ann Melugin Williams


If she had not been cupric in her ions,

Her shape ovoidal,

Their romance might have flourished.

But he built tetrahedral in his shape,

His ions ferric,

Love could not help but die,

Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished.


If you had just a minute to breathe,

And they granted you one final wish,

Would you ask for something

Like another chance?

        -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys"


If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,

It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.

    Or some joker who is slicker,

    Will trick you of your liquor,

If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.


If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,

As well as by traffic and crime,

Consider how worry-free gophers are,

Though living on burrowed time.

        -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83


Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux

    Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,

Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,

    Et le m^omerade horgrave.

Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven

    Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;

Und aller-mumsige Burggoven

    Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben.

        -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"


In /users3 did Kubla Kahn

A stately pleasure dome decree,

Where /bin, the sacred river ran

Through Test Suites measureless to Man

Down to a sunless C.


In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.

Find the fun and snap!  The job's a game.

And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,

    a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.

        -- Mary Poppins


In high school in Brooklyn

I was the baseball manager,

proud as I could be

I chased baseballs,

gathered thrown bats

handed out the towels            Eventually, I bought my own

It was very important work        but it was dark blue while

for a small spastic kid,        the official ones were green

but I was a team member            Nobody ever said anything

When the team got            to me about my blue jacket;

their warm-up jackets            the guys were my friends

I didn't get one            Yet it hurt me all year

Only the regular team            to wear that blue jacket

got these jackets, and            among all those green ones

surely not a manager            Even now, forty years after,

                    I still recall that jacket

                    and the memory goes on hurting.

        -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"


In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space

Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.

Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,

We shall encounter, counting, face to face.

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


In the dimestores and bus stations

People talk of situations

Read books repeat quotations

Draw conclusions on the wall.

        -- Bob Dylan


In the early morning queue,

With a listing in my hand.

With a worry in my heart,    There on terminal number 9,

Waitin' here in CERAS-land.    Pascal run all set to go.

I'm a long way from sleep,    But I'm waitin' in the queue,

How I miss a good meal so.    With this code that ever grows.

In the early mornin' queue,    Now the lobby chairs are soft,

With no place to go.        But that can't make the queue move fast.

                Hey, there it goes my friend,

                I've moved up one at last.

        -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early

           Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot


In the land of the dark the Ship of the

Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.

        -- Egyptian Book of the Dead


In this vale

Of toil and sin

Your head grows bald

But not your chin.

        -- Burma Shave


In Xanadu did Kubla Khan

A stately pleasure dome decree:

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

Through caverns measureless to man

Down to a sunless sea.

So twice five miles of fertile ground

With walls and towers were girdled round:

And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,

Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;

And here were forest ancient as the hills,

Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

        -- S. T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"


In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree

But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.


Into love and out again,

    Thus I went and thus I go.

Spare your voice, and hold your pen:

    Well and bitterly I know

All the songs were ever sung,

    All the words were ever said;

Could it be, when I was young,

    Someone dropped me on my head?

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"


It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,

Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.

It lies behind starts and under hills,

And empty holes it fills.

It comes first and follows after,

Ends life, kills laughter.


It hangs down from the chandelier

Nobody knows quite what it does

Its color is odd and its shape is weird

It emits a high-sounding buzz

It grows a couple of feet each day

and wriggles with sort of a twitch

Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from

a visiting uncle who's rich!

        -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"


It happened long ago

In the new magic land

The Indians and the buffalo

Existed hand in hand

The Indians needed food

They need skins for a roof

They only took what they needed

And the buffalo ran loose

But then came the white man

With his thick and empty head

He couldn't see past his billfold

He wanted all the buffalo dead

It was sad, oh so sad.

        -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"


It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,

and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.

        -- Proverbs 19:2


It used to be the fun was in

The capture and kill.

In another place and time

I did it all for thrills.

        -- Lust to Love


It was one time too many

One word too few

It was all too much for me and you

There was one way to go

Nothing more we could do

One time too many

One word too few

        -- Meredith Tanner


It's faster horses,

Younger women,

Older whiskey and

More money.

        -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"


It's gonna be alright,

It's almost midnight,

And I've got two more bottles of wine.


It's just a jump to the left

    And then a step to the right.

Put your hands on your hips

    And pull your knees in tight.

It's the pelvic thrust

    That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane


        -- Rocky Horror Picture Show


It's just apartment house rules,

So all you 'partment house fools

Remember:  one man's ceiling is another man's floor.

One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

        -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"


It's Like This

Even the samurai

have teddy bears,

and even the teddy bears

get drunk.


It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.

        -- Tom Lehrer, "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"


It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,

    just to see if it's real,

Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,

But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,

So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,

Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?

        -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"


John            Dame May        Oscar

Was Gay            Was Whitty        Was Wilde

But Gerard Hopkins    But John Greenleaf    But Thornton

Was Manley        Was Whittier        Was Wilder

        -- Willard Espy


John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,

Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,

Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief

Is there a hole for me to get sick in?

The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,

Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.

And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,

Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.

        -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"


Just a song before I go,        Going through security

To whom it may concern,            I held her for so long.

Traveling twice the speed of sound    She finally looked at me in love,

It's easy to get burned.        And she was gone.

When the shows were over        Just a song before I go,

We had to get back home,        A lesson to be learned.

And when we opened up the door        Traveling twice the speed of sound

I had to be alone.            It's easy to get burned.

She helped me with my suitcase,

She stands before my eyes,

Driving me to the airport

And to the friendly skies.

        -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"


Just machines to make big decisions,

Programmed by men for compassion and vision,

We'll be clean when their work is done,

We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,

What a beautiful world this will be,

What a glorious time to be free.

        -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"


`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,

    As he landed his crew with care;

Supporting each man on the top of the tide

    By a finger entwined in his hair.

'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:

    That alone should encourage the crew.

Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:

    What I tell you three times is true.'


`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,

    As he landed his crew with care;

Supporting each man on the top of the tide

    By a finger entwined in his hair.

`Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:

    That alone should encourage the crew.

Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:

    What I tell you three times is true.'


Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,

Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,

I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,

Just can't remember who to send it to...

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,

But I always thought that I'd see you again.

Thought I'd see you one more time again.

        -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"


K:    Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;

    Cobol's wordy and confining;

    KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;

    Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.

        -- The Roguelet's ABC


Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she

With silent lips.  Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...

        -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"


Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Ether!  (ether who?)  Ether Bunny... Yea!



    Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,

    Stay on the Happy side of life!

    Bum bum bum bum bum bum

    You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,

    So Stay on the Happy Side of life!

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Anna!  (anna who?)

    An another ether bunny... [chorus]

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Stilla!  (stilla who?)

    Still another ether bunny... [chorus]

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Yetta!  (yetta who?)

    Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Cargo!  (cargo who?)

    Cargo beep beep and run over ether bunny... [chorus]

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Boo!  (boo who?)

    Don't Cry!  Ether bunny be back next year! [chorus]


Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,

Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,

I come before you to stand behind you

To tell you of something I know nothing about.

Next Thursday (which is good Friday),

There will be a convention held in the

Women's Club which is strictly for Men.

Admission is free, pay at the door,

Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.

It was a summer's day in winter,

And the snow was raining fast,

As a barefoot boy with shoes on,

Stood sitting in the grass.

Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,

Two dead men got up to fight.

Three blind men to see fair play,

Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!

Back to back, they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

Came and arrested those two dead boys.


Ladles and Jellyspoons!

I come before you to stand behind you,

To tell you something I know nothing about.

Since next Thursday will be Good Friday,

There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only.

Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any,

And please stay at home if you can possibly be there.

Admission is free, please pay at the door.

Have a seat on me: please sit on the floor.

No matter where you manage to sit,

The man in the balcony will certainly spit.

We thank you for your unkind attention,

And would now like to present our next act:

"The Four Corners of the Round Table."


Lady, lady, should you meet

One whose ways are all discreet,

One who murmurs that his wife

Is the lodestar of his life,

One who keeps assuring you

That he never was untrue,

Never loved another one...

Lady, lady, better run!

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"


Ladybug, ladybug,

Look to your stern!

Your house is on fire,

Your children will burn!

So jump ye and sing, for

The very first time

The four lines above

Have been put into rhyme.

        -- Walt Kelly


Last night I met upon the stair

A little man who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today.

Gee how I wish he'd go away!


Latin is a language,

As dead as can be.

First it killed the Romans,

And now it's killing me.


Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments.  Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.


Let us go then you and I

while the night is laid out against the sky

like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.

"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"

        -- Ezra


Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats

Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels

And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:

Streets that follow like a tedious argument

Of insidious intent

To lead you to an overwhelming question...

Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"

        -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"


Let us treat men and women well;

Treat them as if they were real;

Perhaps they are.

        -- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Life is like a tin of sardines.

We're, all of us, looking for the key.

        -- Beyond the Fringe


Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

        -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"


Lift every voice and sing

Till earth and heaven ring,

Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;

Let our rejoicing rise

High as the listening skies,

Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.

Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.

Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,

Let us march on till victory is won.

        -- James Weldon Johnson


Lighten up, while you still can,

Don't even try to understand,

Just find a place to make your stand,

And take it easy.

        -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"


Like corn in a field I cut you down,

I threw the last punch way too hard,

After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,

To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.

And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,

I figured we'd painted too much of this town,

And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,

And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,

I knew then I had lost what should have been found.

    And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford

    I'm as low as a paid assassin is

    You know I'm cold as a hired sword.

    I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,

    You know I can't think straight no more

    You make me feel like a bullet, honey,

        a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.

        -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"


"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"

Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.

Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:

in it he found that the damned things diverged.

        -- Piet Hein


Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,

Lisp Machine is Fun.

Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,

Fun for everyone.


Little Fly,

Thy summer's play        If thought is life

My thoughtless hand        And strength & breath,

Has brush'd away.        And the want

                Of thought is death,

Am not I

A fly like thee?        Then am I

Or art not thou            A happy fly

A man like me?            If I live

                Or if I die.

For I dance

And drink & sing,

Till some blind hand

Shall brush my wing.

        -- William Blake, "The Fly"


Lizzie Borden took an axe,

And plunged it deep into the VAX;

Don't you envy people who

Do all the things ___YOU want to do?


Logicians have but ill defined

As rational the human kind.

Logic, they say, belongs to man,

But let them prove it if they can.

        -- Oliver Goldsmith


Louie Louie, me gotta go

Louie Louie, me gotta go

Fine little girl she waits for me

Me catch the ship for cross the sea

Me sail the ship all alone        Three nights and days me sail the sea

Me never thinks me make it home        Me think of girl constantly

(chorus)                On the ship I dream she there

                    I smell the rose in her hair

Me see Jamaica moon above        (chorus, guitar solo)

It won't be long, me see my love

I take her in my arms and then

Me tell her I never leave again

        -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"


Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.

Love isn't love 'til you give it away.

        -- Oscar Hammerstein II


Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,

    seized this one for the fair form

    that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.

Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,

    seized me so strongly with delight in him,

    that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.

Love brought us to one death.

        -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06


Margaret, are you grieving

Over Goldengrove unleaving?

Leaves, like the things of man,

You, with your fresh thoughts

Care for, can you?

Ah! as the heart grows older

It will come to such sights colder

By and by, nor spare a sigh

Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie

And yet you will weep and know why.

Now no matter, child, the name

Sorrow's springs are the same:

It is the blight man was born for,

It is Margaret you mourn for.

        -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.


Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;

Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.

[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,

AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.

[P]hud!  Bashe!  Crasch!  Beoom!  [D]e bigge gye

Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;

Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.

Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.

Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;

Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"

Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp

Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.

"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."

Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson

Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.

Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,

Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."

Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.

        -- Not Chaucer, for certain


Most folks they like the daytime,

    'cause they like to see the shining sun.

They're up in the morning,

    off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.

But when the sun goes down,

    and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.

Now there are two sides to this great big world,

    and one of them is always night.

If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,

    I guess you're gonna be all right.

Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.

    My eyes just can't stand the light.

'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.

        -- Carly Simon


Mummy dust to make me old;

To shroud my clothes, the black of night;

To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;

To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;

A blast of wind to fan my hate;

A thunderbolt to mix it well --

Now begin thy magic spell!

        -- Walter Disney, "Snow White"


My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,

    But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.

Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,

    To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.

'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.

And you know two heads are better than one.


My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,

The height of its contents to see!

She lit a small match to assist her,

Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.


My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want

It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,

    and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.

It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating

    decimal points for the sake of precision.

Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,

    I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.

It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an

    arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.

It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are


Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my

    life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.


My darling wife was always glum.

I drowned her in a cask of rum,

And so made sure that she would stay

In better spirits night and day.


My love runs by like a day in June,

    And he makes no friends of sorrows.

He'll tread his galloping rigadoon

    In the pathway or the morrows.

He'll live his days where the sunbeams start

    Nor could storm or wind uproot him.

My own dear love, he is all my heart --

    And I wish somebody'd shoot him.

        -- Dorothy Parker, part 3


My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,

    And a wild young wood-thing bore him!

The ways are fair to his roaming feet,

    And the skies are sunlit for him.

As sharply sweet to my heart he seems

    As the fragrance of acacia.

My own dear love, he is all my dreams --

    And I wish he were in Asia.

        -- Dorothy Parker, part 2


My My, hey hey

Rock and roll is here to stay    The king is gone but he's not forgotten

It's better to burn out        This is the story of a Johnny Rotten

Than to fade away        It's better to burn out than it is to rust

My my, hey hey            The king is gone but he's not forgotten

It's out of the blue and into the black        Hey hey, my my

They give you this, but you pay for that    Rock and roll can never die

And once you're gone you can never come back    There's more to the picture

When you're out of the blue            Than meets the eye

And into the black

        -- Neil Young

        "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"


"My name is Sue!  How do you do?!  Now you gonna die!"

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes,

And he went down, but to my surprise,

Come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.

So I busted a chair right across his teeth,

And we crashed through the walls and into the streets,

Kickin' and a-gougin' in the mud and the blood and beer.

Now I tell you, I've fought tougher men,

But I really can't remember when:

He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.

But I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,

And he went for his gun, but I pulled mine first,

And he sat there lookin' at me, and I saw him smile.

He said: "Son, this world is rough,

And if a man's gonna make it he's gotta be tough,

And I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.

So I give you that name and I said goodbye,

And I knew you'd have to get tough or die,

And it's that name that's helped to make you strong!

        -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"


My own dear love, he is strong and bold

    And he cares not what comes after.

His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,

    And his eyes are lit with laughter.

He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --

    Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.

My own dear love, he is all my world --

    And I wish I'd never met him.

        -- Dorothy Parker, part 1


My pen is at the bottom of a page,

Which, being finished, here the story ends;

'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,

But stories somehow lengthen when begun.

        -- Byron


My soul is crushed, my spirit sore

I do not like me anymore,

I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,

I ponder on the narrow house

I shudder at the thought of men

I'm due to fall in love again.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"


Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,

And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.

As on the land while here the ocean gains,

In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;

Thus in the soul while memory prevails,

The solid power of understanding fails;

Where beams of warm imagination play,

The memory's soft figures melt away.

        -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)


Near the Studio Jean Cocteau

On the Rue des Ecoles

lived an old man

with a blind dog

Every evening I would see him

guiding the dog along

the sidewalk, keeping

a firm grip on the leash

so that the dog wouldn't

run into a passerby

Sometimes the dog would stop

and look up at the sky

Once the old man

noticed me watching the dog

and he said, "Oh, yes,

this one knows

when the moon is out,

he can feel it on his face"

        -- Barry Gifford


Neuroses are red,

    Melancholia's blue.

I'm schizophrenic,

    What are you?


New York's got the ways and means;

Just won't let you be.

        -- The Grateful Dead


New York-- to that tall skyline I come

Flyin' in from London to your door

New York-- lookin' down on Central Park

Where they say you should not wander after dark.

New York.

        -- Simon and Garfunkle


Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.

Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.

        -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)


Nine megs for the secretaries fair,

Seven megs for the hackers scarce,

Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,

Three megs for system source;

One disk to rule them all,

One disk to bind them,

One disk to hold the files

And in the darkness grind 'em.


Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes

And tapes without any tracks;

Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes

And tapes mixed up on the racks --

    Take hold of the tape

    And pull off the strip,

    And then you'll be sure

    Your tape drive will skip.

        -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes


No one likes us.

I don't know why.

We may not be perfect,            We give them money,

But heaven knows we try.        But are they grateful?

But all around,                No, they're spiteful,

Even our old friends put us down.    And they're hateful.

Let's drop the big one,            They don't respect us,

And see what happens.            So let's surprise them

                    We'll drop the big one,

                    And pulverize 'em.

Asia's crowded,

Europe's too old,

Africa is far too hot,            We'll save Australia.

And Canada's too cold.            Don't wanna hurt no kangaroos.

And South America stole our name    We'll build an All-American amusement

Let's drop the big one,                park there--

There'll be no one left to blame us.    They got surfin', too!

Boom! goes London,

And Boom! Paree.

More room for you,            Oh, how peaceful it'll be!

And more room for me,            We'll set everybody free!

And every city,                You'll wear a Japanese kimono, babe;

The whole world round,            There'll be Italian shoes for me!

Will just be another American town.    They all hate us anyhow,

                    So, let's drop the big one now.

                    Let's drop the big one now!

        -- Randy Newman, "Drop the Big One"


No pig should go sky diving during monsoon

For this isn't really the norm.

But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,

So what?  Any pork in a storm.

No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,

It's risky enough when the weather is fine.

But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar

Cast even more perils before swine.


No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --

He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.

Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame

And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.


Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails

And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.

All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff

But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"


Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.

The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.

A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,

But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!



    Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,

    And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.

    Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,

    And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.


"No program is perfect,"

They said with a shrug.

"The customer's happy--

What's one little bug?"

But he was determined,            Then change two, then three more,

The others went home.            As year followed year.

He dug out the flow chart        And strangers would comment,

Deserted, alone.            "Is that guy still here?"

Night passed into morning.        He died at the console

The room was cluttered            Of hunger and thirst

With core dumps, source listings.    Next day he was buried

"I'm close," he muttered.        Face down, nine edge first.

Chain smoking, cold coffee,        And his wife through her tears

Logic, deduction.            Accepted his fate.

"I've got it!" he cried,        Said "He's not really gone,

"Just change one instruction."        He's just working late."

        -- The Perfect Programmer


No rock so hard but that a little wave

May beat admission in a thousand years.

        -- Tennyson


No sooner had Edger Allen Poe

Finished his old Raven,

then he started his Old Crow.


No, his mind is not for rent

To any god or government.

Always hopeful, yet discontent,

He knows changes aren't permanent -

But change is.


Nothing that's forced can ever be right,

If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.

That's what she said as she turned out the light,

And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,

Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars

She got from trying to fight

Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.


Well nothing that's real is ever for free

And you just have to pay for it sometime.

She said it before, she said it to me,

I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,

But the same old four imaginary walls

She'd built for livin' inside

I said oh, you just can't mean it.


Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,

If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.

That's what she said as she turned out the light,

And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,

But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost

The veil that covered her eyes,

I said oh, you can leave it.

        -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"


Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;

Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.

        -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"


Now I lay me back to sleep.

The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.

If he should stop before I wake,

Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.

        -- Anonymous


Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the double lock will keep;

May no brick through the window break,

And, no one rob me till I awake.


Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

If I should die before I wake,

I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!!  Mistake!!"


Now I lay me down to study,

I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.

And if I fail to learn this junk,

I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.

But if I do, don't pity me at all,

Just lay my bones in the study hall.

Tell my teacher I've done my best,

Then pile my books upon my chest.


Now it's time to say goodbye

To all our company...

M-I-C    (see you next week!)

K-E-Y    (Why?  Because we LIKE you!)



Now let the song begin!  Let us sing together

Of sun, star, moon and mist, rain and cloudy weather,

Light on the budding leag, dew on the feather,

Wind on the open hill, bells on the heather,

Reeds by the shady pool, lilies on the water:

Old Tom Bombadil and the River-daughter!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Now of my threescore years and ten,

Twenty will not come again,

And take from seventy springs a score,

It leaves me only fifty more.

And since to look at things in bloom

Fifty springs are little room,

About the woodlands I will go

To see the cherry hung with snow.

        -- A. E. Housman


Now that day wearies me,

My yearning desire

Will receive more kindly,

Like a tired child, the starry night.

Hands, leave off your deeds,

Mind, forget all thoughts;

All of my forces

Yearn only to sink into sleep.

And my soul, unguarded,

Would soar on widespread wings,

To live in night's magical sphere

More profoundly, more variously.

        -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"


Now what would they do if I just sailed away?

Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?

Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,

What would they do if I made no landfall?"

        -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"


Now's the time to have some big ideas

Now's the time to make some firm decisions

We saw the Buddha in a bar down south

Talking politics and nuclear fission

We see him and he's all washed up --

Moving on into the body of a beetle

Getting ready for a long long crawl

He  ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...

Death and Money make their point once more

In the shape of Philosophical assassins

Mark and Danny take the bus uptown

Deadly angels for reality and passion

Have the courage of the here and now

Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas

When you think you got it paid in full

You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...

    We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.

    We know his name and he mustn't get away.

    We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.

    It would take one shot -- to blow him away...

        -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"


O give me a home,

Where the buffalo roam,

Where the deer and the antelope play,

Where seldom is heard

A discouraging word,

'Cause what can an antelope say?


O love, could thou and I with fate conspire

To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,

Might we not smash it to bits

And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?

        -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald


O slender as a willow-wand!  O clearer than clear water!

O reed by the living pool!  Fair river-daughter!

O spring-time and summer-time, and spring again after!

O wind on the waterfall, and the leaves' laughter!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


O! Wanderers in the shadowed land

despair not!  For though dark they stand,

all woods there be must end at last,

and see the open sun go past:

the setting sun, the rising sun,

the day's end, or the day begun.

For east or west all woods must fail ...

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Observe yon plumed biped fine.

To activate its captivation,

Deposit on its termination,

A quantity of particles saline.


Of all the words of witch's doom

There's none so bad as which and whom.

The man who kills both which and whom

Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.

        -- Fletcher Knebel


Oh don't the days seem lank and long

    When all goes right and none goes wrong,

And isn't your life extremely flat

    With nothing whatever to grumble at!


Oh give me your pity!

I'm on a committee,            We attend and amend

Which means that from morning        And contend and defend

    to night,            Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur,

We defer and demur,            We revise the agenda

And reiterate all of our thoughts.    With frequent addenda

                    And consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose,

We suppose and oppose,            But though various notions

And the points of procedure are fun;    Are brought up as motions,

                    There's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve;

But we never dissolve,

Since it's out of the question for us

To bring our committee

To end like this ditty,

Which stops with a period, thus.

        -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"


Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?

My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?

Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:

To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!


"Oh, 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!

Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town?

And whence such fair garments such prosperi-ty?"

"Oh, didn't you know I'd been ruined?" said she.

"You left us in tatters, without shoes or socks,

Tired of digging potatoes, and spudding up docks;

And now you've gay bracelets and bright feathers three!"

"Yes: That's how we dress when we're ruined," said she.

"At home in the barton you said `thee' and `thou,'

And `thik oon' and `theas oon' and `t'other;' but now

Your talking quite fits 'ee for compa-ny!"

"Some polish is gained with one's ruin," said she.

"Your hands were like paws then, your face blue and bleak

But now I'm bewitched by your delicate cheek,

And your little gloves fit like as on any la-dy!"

"We never do work when we're ruined," said she.

"You used to call home-life a hag-ridden dream,

And you'd sigh, and you'd sock; but at present you seem

To know not of megrims or melancho-ly!"

"True.  One's pretty lively when ruined," said she.

"I wish I had feathers, a fine sweeping gown,

And a delicate face, and could strut about Town!"

"My dear--a raw country girl, such as you be,

Cannot quite expect that.  You ain't ruined," said she.

        -- Thomas Hardy


Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?

        -- Pink Floyd


Oh, give me a home,

Where the buffalo roam,

And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.


Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus

    Where the three-body problem is solved,

    Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,

    And the cold virus never evolved.            (chorus)

We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high,

    Our ball bearings are perfectly round.

    Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,

    And a kilogram weighs half a pound.            (chorus)

If we run out of space for our burgeoning race

    No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch

    When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,

    If we just find a big enough wrench.            (chorus)

I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,

    And living up here is a bore.

    Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye

    'Cause I'm moving next week to L4!            (chorus)

CHORUS:    Home, home on LaGrange,

    Where the space debris always collects,

    We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:

    Solar power and zero-gee sex.

        -- to Home on the Range


Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay

    I muck with indices and structs all day

And when it works, I shout hoo-ray

    Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay


Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of --

Wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence.

Hovering there

I've chased the shouting wind along and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up along delirious, burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,

Where never lark, or even eagle flew;

And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod

The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

        -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"


Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

A medley of extemporanea;

And love is thing that can never go wrong;

And I am Marie of Roumania.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"


Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.

He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.

No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.

He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

        -- The Smothers Brothers


Oh, when I was in love with you,

    Then I was clean and brave,

And miles around the wonder grew

    How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,

    And nothing will remain,

And miles around they'll say that I

    Am quite myself again.

        -- A. E. Housman


Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.

        -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"


Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,

She had so many children,

She didn't know what to do.

So she moved to Atlanta.


Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To fetch her poor daughter a dress.

When she got there, the cupboard was bare

And so was her daughter, I guess...


Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,

Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow.

None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master:

His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time,

You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime.

She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running like a watercolor in the rain.

Don't bother asking for explanations, she'll just tell you that she came

In the Year of the Cat.

She doesn't give you time for questions, as she locks up your arm in hers,

And you follow 'till your sense of which direction completely disappears.

By the blue-tiled walls near the market stall there's a hidden door she

    leads you to.

These days, she say, I feel my life just like a river running through

The Year of the Cat.

Well, she looks at you so coolly,

And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea.

She comes in incense and patchouli,

So you take her to find what's waiting inside

The Year of the Cat.

Well, morning comes and you're still with her, but the bus and the tourists

    are gone,

And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket, so you have to stay on.

But the drum-beat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day.

You know some time you're bound to leave her, but for now you're going to stay

In the Year of the Cat.

        -- Al Stewart, "Year of the Cat"


On the good ship Enterprise

Every week there's a new surprise

Where the Romulans lurk

And the Klingons often go berserk.

Yes, the good ship Enterprise

There's excitement anywhere it flies

Where Tribbles play

And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.

    See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,

    Mr. Spock is at his side.

    The weekly menace, ooh-ooh

    It gets fried, scattered far and wide.

It's the good ship Enterprise

Heading out where danger lies

And you live in dread

If you're wearing a shirt that's red.

    -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics,

       "The Good Ship Enterprise," to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop"


Once again dread deed is done.

Canon sleeps,

his all-knowing eye shaded

to human chance and circumstance.

Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,

but Canon's sleep is troubled.

Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.

Impatient hands wait eagerly

to grasp, to hold

scant moments of time

wrested from life in the full

glory of Canon's power;

held captive by his unblinking eye.

Three golden orbs stand watch;

one each to toll the day, hour, minute

until predestiny decrees his reawakening.

When that feared moment arives,

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee."

        -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine

           Valley Pawn Shop today"


Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,

And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,

And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,

He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)

And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,

He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,

And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!

    And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!

And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,

And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,

The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,

But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!

Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,

And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,

But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",

    And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!

When the day is done and the moon comes out,

And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,

When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,

And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,

You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,

    Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!


Once upon this midnight incoherent,

While you pondered sentient and crystalline,

Over many a broken and subordinate

Volume of gnarly lore,

While I pestered, nearly singing,

Sudddenly there came a hewing,

As of someone profusely skulking,

Skulking at my chamber door.


One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple,

By the Relief Office, I seen my people;

As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling,

This land was made for you and me.

Nobody living can ever stop me,

As I go walking that freedom highway;

Nobody living can ever make me turn back,

This land was made for you and me.

As I went walking, I saw a sign there,

And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing."

But on the other side, it didn't say nothing,

That side was made for you and me.

        -- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7)

    [If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad

     wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven't

     heard all of Woody's songs]


One day,

A mad meta-poet,

With nothing to say,

Wrote a mad meta-poem

That started: "One day,

A mad meta-poet,

With nothing to say,

Wrote a mad meta-poem

That started: "One day,


sort of close".

Were the words that the poet,

Finally chose,

To bring his mad poem,

To some sort of close".

Were the words that the poet,

Finally chose,

To bring his mad poem,

To some sort of close".


One good thing about music,

Well, it helps you feel no pain.

So hit me with music;

Hit me with music now.

        -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"


One pill makes you larger,        And if you go chasing rabbits

And one pill makes you small.        And you know you're going to fall.

And the ones that mother gives you,    Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar

Don't do anything at all.        Has given you the call.

Go ask Alice                Call Alice

When she's ten feet tall.        When she was just small.

When men on the chessboard        When logic and proportion

Get up and tell you where to go.    Have fallen sloppy dead,

And you've just had some kind of    And the White Knight is talking

    mushroom                backwards

And your mind is moving low.        And the Red Queen's lost her head

Go ask Alice                Remember what the dormouse said:

I think she'll know.                Feed your head.

                        Feed your head.

                        Feed your head.

        -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"


One reason why George Washington

Is held in such veneration:

He never blamed his problems

On the former Administration.

        -- George O. Ludcke


One thing about the past.

It's likely to last.

        -- Ogden Nash


One toke over the line, sweet Mary,

One toke over the line,

Sittin' downtown in a railway station,

One toke over the line.

Waitin' for the train that goes home,

Hopin' that the train is on time,

Sittin' downtown in a railway station,

One toke over the line.


Other women cloy

The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry

Where most she satisfies.

        -- Antony and Cleopatra


Our little systems have their day;

They have their day and cease to be;

They are but broken lights of thee.

        -- Tennyson


Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.

We their sons are more worthless than they:

so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

        -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)



     is gharsley.

        -- Ogden Nash


Payeen to a Twang




If you dared,

I'd ask you

to go dig

up your ides under brown-

tubered skies.

where pitchforked

you will ask



Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,

I wonder how the old folks are tonight,

Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,

She left me not knowing what to do.

Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,

Carefree Highway, you seen better days,

The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,

Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...

Turning back the pages to the times I love best,

I wonder if she'll ever do the same,

Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,

With knowing I got noone left to blame.

Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...

Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,

I wonder if the years have closed her mind,

I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,

From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.

        -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"


Piping down the valleys wild,

Piping songs of pleasant glee,

On a cloud I saw a child,

And he laughing said to me:

"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"

So I piped with merry cheer.

"Piper, pipe that song again;"

So I piped: he wept to hear.

        -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"


Plagiarize, plagiarize,

Let no man's work evade your eyes,

Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,

Don't shade your eyes,

But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.

Only be sure to call it research.

        -- Tom Lehrer


Planet Claire has pink hair.

All the trees are red.

No one ever dies there.

No one has a head....


Please stand for the National Anthem:

    Australians all, let us rejoice,

    For we are young and free.

    We've golden soil and wealth for toil

    Our home is girt by sea.

    Our land abounds in nature's gifts

    Of beauty rich and rare.

    In history's page, let every stage

    Advance Australia Fair.

    In joyful strains then let us sing,

    Advance Australia Fair.

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.


Please stand for the National Anthem:

    God save our Gracious Queen!

    Long live our Noble Queen!

    God save the Queen!

    Send her victorious,

    Happy and glorious,

    Long to reign o'er us!

    God save the Queen!

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.


Please stand for the National Anthem:

    O Canada

    Our home and native land

    True patriot love

    In all thy sons' command

    With glowing hearts we see thee rise

    The true north strong and free

    From far and wide, O Canada

    We stand on guard for thee

    God keep our land glorious and free

    O Canada we stand on guard for thee

    O Canada we stand on guard for thee

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.


Please stand for the National Anthem:

    Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light

    What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?

    Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight

    O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?

    And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,

    Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

    Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave

    O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.


Power, like a desolating pestilence,

Pollutes whate'er it touches...

        -- Percy Bysshe Shelley


Probable-Possible, my black hen,

She lays eggs in the Relative When.

She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now

Because she's unable to postulate How.

        -- Frederick Winsor


    Proposed Country & Western Song Titles

I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side

If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will

I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With

    Your Socks Outside-in

I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love

Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time

        -- "Wordplay"


    Proposed Country & Western Song Titles

I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone

I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win

If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In

Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was

    Breaking My Heart

Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer

Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You

When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living

    With You Is the Pits

I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger

        -- "Wordplay"


    Proposed Country & Western Song Titles

She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You

I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave

It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley

If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart

If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again

I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave

It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him

Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load

I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You


Put another password in,

Bomb it out, then try again.

Try to get past logging in,

We're hacking, hacking, hacking.

Try his first wife's maiden name,

This is more than just a game.

It's real fun, but just the same,

It's hacking, hacking, hacking.

        -- To the tune of "Music, Music, Music?"


rain falls where clouds come

sun shines where clouds go

clouds just come and go

        -- Florian Gutzwiller


Razors pain you;

    Rivers are damp.

    Acids stain you,

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;

    Nooses give.

    Gas smells awful--

You might as well live!

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926


Reach into the thoughts of friends,

And find they do not know your name.

Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,

And watch the feathers burst the seams.

Touch the stained glass with your cheek,

And feel its chill upon your blood.

Hold a candle to the night,

And see the darkness bend the flame.

Tear the mask of peace from God,

And hear the roar of souls in hell.

Pluck a rose in name of love,

And watch the petals curl and wilt.

Lean upon the western wind,

And know you are alone.

        -- Dru Mims


Reclaimer, spare that tree!

Take not a single bit!

It used to point to me,

Now I'm protecting it.

It was the reader's CONS

That made it, paired by dot;

Now, GC, for the nonce,

Thou shalt reclaim it not.


Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be

worse in Cleveland.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


Remember thee

Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat

In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!

Yea, from the table of my memory

I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,

All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,

That youth and observation copied there.

        -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"


Remove me from this land of slaves,

Where all are fools, and all are knaves,

Where every knave and fool is bought,

Yet kindly sells himself for nought;

        -- Jonathan Swift


Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,

With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.

The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,

So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.

Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,

With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.

Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,

They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.

    Roland the Thompson gunner...

His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,

But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.

So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,

That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.

    Roland the headless Thompson gunner...

Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.

He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,

Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,

But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.

The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,

Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.

In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,

Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.

        -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"


Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,

He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,

Juliet was waiting with a safety net,

Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".

        -- Elvis Costello


Roses are red;

    Violets are blue.

I'm schizophrenic,

    And so am I.


Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,

    Is like being nowhere at all,

All through the day how the hours rush by,

    You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.

        -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"


Say it with flowers,

Or say it with mink,

But whatever you do,

Don't say it with ink!

        -- Jimmie Durante


Say many of cameras focused t'us,

Our middle-aged shots do us justice.

No justice, please, curse ye!

We really want mercy:

You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.

        -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt


Say my love is easy had,

    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,

Say I am too often sad --

    Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,

    Say I woo and coddle care,

Say the devil touched my tongue --

    Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,

    And I get me another man!

        -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"


Say!  You've struck a heap of trouble--

Bust in business, lost your wife;

No one cares a cent about you,

You don't care a cent for life;

Hard luck has of hope bereft you,

Health is failing, wish you'd die--

Why, you've still the sunshine left you

And the big blue sky.

        -- R. W. Service


Science Fiction, Double Feature.

Frank has built and lost his creature.

Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.

The servants gone to a distant planet.

Wo, oh, oh, oh.

At the late night, double feature, Picture show.

I want to go, oh, oh, oh.

To the late night, double feature, Picture show.

        -- Rocky Horror Picture Show


Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!

Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.

Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,

Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?

How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?

Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering

To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,

Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?

Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?

And driven the Hamadryad from the wood

To seek a shelter in some happier star?

Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,

The Elfin from the green grass, and from me

The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

        -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"


Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,

Fain how I pause at your nature specific,

Loftily poised in the ether capacious,

Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,

Fain how I pause at your nature specific.


Scratch the disks, dump the core,    Shut it down, pull the plug

Roll the tapes across the floor,    Give the core an extra tug

And the system is going to crash.    And the system is going to crash.

Teletypes smashed to bits.        Mem'ry cards, one and all,

Give the scopes some nasty hits        Toss out halfway down the hall

And the system is going to crash.    And the system is going to crash.

And we've also found            Just flip one switch

When you turn the power down,        And the lights will cease to twitch

You turn the disk readers into trash.    And the tape drives will crumble

                        in a flash.

Oh, it's so much fun,            When the CPU

Now the CPU won't run            Can print nothing out but "foo,"

And the system is going to crash.    The system is going to crash.

        -- To the tune of "As the Caissons go Rolling Along"


Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.

She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,

Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,

Silently scheming,

Sightlessly seeking

Some savage, spectacular suicide.

        -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"


Seek for the Sword that was broken:

In Imladris it dwells;

There shall be counsels taken

Stronger than Morgul-spells.

There shall be shown a token

That Doom is near at hand,

For Isildur's Bane shall waken,

And the Halfling forth shall stand.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


She asked me, "What's your sign?"

I blinked and answered "Neon,"

I thought I'd blow her mind...


She blinded me with science!


She can kill all your files;

She can freeze with a frown.

And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.

And she works on her code until ten after three.

She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.

        -- Apologies to Billy Joel


She stood on the tracks

Waving her arms

Leading me to that third rail shock

Quick as a wink

She changed her mind

She gave me a night

That's all it was

What will it take until I stop

Kidding myself

Wasting my time

There's nothing else I can do

'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna

I don't want anyone new

'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna

There's nothing in it for you

'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna

        -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)







Shift to the left,

Shift to the right,

Mask in, mask out,



Since I hurt my pendulum

My life is all erratic.

My parrot who was cordial

Is now transmitting static.

The carpet died, a palm collapsed,

The cat keeps doing poo.

The only thing that keeps me sane

Is talking to my shoe.

        -- My Shoe


Sing hey! for the bath at close of day

That washes the weary mud away!

A loon is he that will not sing:

O! Water Hot is a noble thing!

    O! Sweet is the sound of falling rain,

    and the brook that leaps from hill to plain;

    but better than rain or rippling streams

    is Water Hot that smokes and steams.

O! Water cold we may pour at need

down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed;

but better is Beer, if drink we lack,

and Water Hot poured down the back.

    O! Water is fair that leaps on high

    in a fountain white beneath the sky;

    but never did fountain sound so sweet

    as splashing Hot Water with my feet!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Snow-white!  Snow-white!  O Lady clear!

O Queen beyond the Western Sea!

O Light to us that wander here

Amid the world of woven trees!

    Gilthoniel!  O Elbereth!

    Clear are thy eyes and bright thy breath!

    Snow-white!  Snow-white!  We sing to thee

    In a far land beyond the Sea.

O stars that in the Sunless Year

With shining hand by her were sown,

In windy fields now bright and clear

We see you silver blossom blown!

    O Elbereth!  Gilthoniel!

    We still remember, we who dwell

    In this far land beneath the trees,

    Thy starlight on the Western Seas.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


So much



a red



glazed with




the white


        -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"


So, you better watch out!

You better not cry!

You better not pout!

I'm telling you why,

Santa Claus is coming, to town.

He knows when you've been sleeping,

He know when you're awake.

He knows if you've been bad or good,

He has ties with the CIA.



So... so you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell?

Blue skies from pain?            Did they get you to trade

Can you tell a green field        Your heroes for ghosts?

From a cold steel rail?            Hot ashes for trees?

A smile from a veil?            Hot air for a cool breeze?

Do you think you can tell?        Cold comfort for change?

                    Did you exchange

                    A walk on part in a war

                    For the lead role in a cage?

        -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"


Soldiers who wish to be a hero

Are practically zero,

But those who wish to be civilians,

They run into the millions.


Some of them want to use you,

Some of them want to be used by you,

...Everybody's looking for something.

        -- Eurythmics


Some primal termite knocked on wood.

And tasted it, and found it good.

And that is why your Cousin May

Fell through the parlor floor today.

        -- Ogden Nash


Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction, ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

        -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"


Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,

Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.

Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,

Either light up or leave me alone.


Sometimes I live in the country,

And sometimes I live in town.

And sometimes I have a great notion,

To jump in the river and drown.


Sometimes the light's all shining on me,

Other times I can barely see.

Lately it occurs to me

What a long strange trip it's been.

        -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"


Speak roughly to your little boy,

    And beat him when he sneezes:

He only does it to annoy

    Because he knows it teases.

    Wow!  wow!  wow!

I speak severely to my boy,

    And beat him when he sneezes:

For he can thoroughly enjoy

    The pepper when he pleases!

    Wow!  wow!  wow!

        -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"


Speak roughly to your little VAX,

    And boot it when it crashes;

It knows that one cannot relax

    Because the paging thrashes!

    Wow!  Wow!  Wow!

I speak severely to my VAX,

    And boot it when it crashes;

In spite of all my favorite hacks

    My jobs it always thrashes!

    Wow!  Wow!  Wow!


Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:

With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair

He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!

And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down

As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!

Helpless users with projects due

Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!

Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!

Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"

* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation.

* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.

        -- Curtis Jackson


Spring is here, spring is here,

Life is skittles and life is beer.


St. Patrick was a gentleman

who through strategy and stealth

drove all the snakes from Ireland.

Here's a toasting to his health --

but not too many toastings

lest you lose yourself and then

forget the good St. Patrick

and see all those snakes again.


Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,

There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,

One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,

And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,

Though we really did try to make it,

Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...

It used to be so easy living here with you,

You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do

Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.

There'll be good times again for me and you,

But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?

But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...

But it's too late baby...

It's too late, now darling, it's too late...

        -- Carol King, "Tapestry"


Step back, unbelievers!

Or the rain will never come.

Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.

You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,

But I swear to you, before this day is out,

    you folks are gonna see some rain!


Strange things are done to be number one

In selling the computer            The Druids were entrepreneurs,

IBM has their strategem            And they built a granite box

Which steadily grows acuter,        It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,

And Honeywell competes like Hell,    And forecast the equinox

But the story's missing link        Their price was right, their future

Is the system old at Stonemenge sold        bright,

By the firm of Druids, Inc.        The prototype was sold;

                    From Stonehenge site their bits and byte

                    Would ship for Celtic gold.

The movers came to crate the frame;

It weighed a million ton!

The traffic folk thought it a joke    The man spoke true, and thus to you

(the wagon wheels just spun);        A warning from the ages;

"They'll nay sell that," the foreman    Your stock will slip if you can't ship

    spat,                What's in your brochure's pages.

"Just leave the wild weeds grow;    See if it sells without the bells

"It's Druid-kind, over-designed,    And strings that ring and quiver;

"And belly up they'll go."        Druid repute went down the chute

                    Because they couldn't deliver.

        -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"


Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;

The deed there is, but no doer thereof;

Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;

The Path there is, but none who travel it.

        -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values


Sun in the night, everyone is together,

Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.

        -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"


      /\    SUN of them wants to use you,

     \\ \

  / \ \\ /    SUN of them wants to be used by you,

 / / \/ / //\

 \//\   \// /    SUN of them wants to abuse you,

  / /  /\  /

   /  \\ \    SUN of them wants to be abused ...

     \ \\


        -- Eurythmics


Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,

And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".


System/3!  System/3!

See how it runs!  See how it runs!

    Its monitor loses so totally!

    It runs all its programs in RPG!

    It's made by our favorite monopoly!



T:    One big monster, he called TROLL.

    He don't rock, and he don't roll;

    Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.

    He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.

        -- The Roguelet's ABC


Take a look around you, tell me what you see,

A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.

If you can get close enough to look into her eyes

There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.

    And you're fair game,

    You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,

    Just relax, enjoy the ride.

Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,

But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.

'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.

The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.


The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.

She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.

Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,

And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.


        -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"


Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting

enough cheese.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,

Tan me hide when I'm dead.

So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,

It's hanging there on the shed.

All together now...

    Tie me kangaroo down, sport,

    Tie me kangaroo down.

    Tie me kangaroo down, sport,

    Tie me kangaroo down.


Tell me why the stars do shine,

Tell me why the ivy twines,

Tell me why the sky's so blue,

And I will tell you just why I love you.

    Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,

    Phototropism makes ivy twine,

    Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,

    Sexual hormones are why I love you.


Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,

Is those things arms, or is they legs?

I marvel at thee, Octopus;

If I were thou, I'd call me us.

        -- Ogden Nash


Terence, this is stupid stuff:

You eat your victuals fast enough;

There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,

To see the rate you drink your beer.

But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,

It gives a chap the belly-ache.

The cow, the old cow, she is dead;

It sleeps well the horned head:

We poor lads, 'tis our turn now

To hear such tunes as killed the cow.

Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme

Your friends to death before their time.

Moping, melancholy mad:

Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.

        -- A. E. Housman


That feeling just came over me.

        -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"


That money talks,

I'll not deny,

I heard it once,

It said "Good-bye.

        -- Richard Armour


    The Advertising Agency Song

    When your client's hopping mad,

    Put his picture in the ad.

    If he still should prove refractory,

    Add a picture of his factory.


The all-softening overpowering knell,

The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.

        -- Lord Byron


The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,

Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,

And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,

    It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

        -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"


The bank sent our statement this morning,

The red ink was a sight of great awe!

Their figures and mine might have balanced,

But my wife was too quick on the draw.


The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...

and the bird is on the wing.

        -- Omar Khayyam


The boy stood on the burning deck,

Eating peanuts by the peck.

His father called him, but he could not go,

For he loved those peanuts so.


The camel has a single hump;

The dromedary two;

Or else the other way around.

I'm never sure.  Are you?

        -- Ogden Nash


The carbonyl is polarized,

The delta end is plus.

The nucleophile will thus attack,

The carbon nucleus.

Addition makes an alcohol,

Of types there are but three.

It makes a bond, to correspond,

From C to shining C.

        -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"


The common cormorant, or shag,

Lays eggs inside a paper bag;

The reason, you will see, no doubt,

Is to keep the lightning out.

But what these unobservant birds

Have failed to notice is that herds

Of bears may come with buns

And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.


The difference between us is not very far,

cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.


The eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day;

The eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away;

Do not think you can escape them

From night 'til early in the morn;

The eyes of Texas are upon you

'Til Gabriel blows his horn.

        -- University of Texas' school song


The garden is in mourning;

The rain falls cool among the flowers.

Summer shivers quietly

On its way towards its end.

Golden leaf after leaf

Falls from the tall acacia.

Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,

In this dying dream of a garden.

For a long while, yet, in the roses,

She will linger on, yearning for peace,

And slowly

Close her weary eyes.

        -- Hermann Hesse, "September"


The glances over cocktails

That seemed to be so sweet

Don't seem quite so amorous

Over Shredded Wheat


The good (I am convinced, for one)

Is but the bad one leaves undone.

Once your reputation's done

You can live a life of fun.

        -- Wilhelm Busch


The good life was so elusive

It really got me down

I had to regain some confidence

So I got into camouflage


The good time is approaching,

The season is at hand.

When the merry click of the two-base lick

Will be heard throughout the land.

The frost still lingers on the earth, and

Budless are the trees.

But the merry ring of the voice of spring

Is borne upon the breeze.

        -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886


The grave's a fine and private place,

but none, I think, do there embrace.

        -- Andrew Marvell


The hope that springs eternal

Springs right up your behind.

        -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"


The Junior God now heads the roll

In the list of heaven's peers;

He sits in the House of High Control,

And he regulates the spheres.

Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,

If, even in gods divine,

The best and wisest may not be those

Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?

        -- Robert W. Service


The ladies men admire, I've heard,

Would shudder at a wicked word.

Their candle gives a single light;

They'd rather stay at home at night.

They do not keep awake till three,

Nor read erotic poetry.

They never sanction the impure,

Nor recognize an overture.

They shrink from powders and from paints...

So far, I've had no complaints.

        -- Dorothy Parker


The leaves were long, the grass was green,

The hemlock-umbels tall and fair,

And in the glade a light was seen

Of stars in shadow shimmering.

Tin'uviel was dancing there

To music of a pipe unseen,

And light of stars was in her hair,

And in her raiment glimmering.

There Beren came from mountains colds,

And lost he wandered under leaves,

And where the Elven-river rolled

He walked alone and sorrowing.

He peered between the hemlock-leaves

And saw in wonder flowers of gold

Upon her mantle and her sleeves,

And her hair like shadow following.

Enchantment healed his weary feet

That over hills were doomed to roam;

And forth he hastened, strong and fleet,

And grasped at moonbeams glistening.

Through woven woods in Elvenhome

She lightly fled on dancing feet,

And left him lonely still to roam

In the silent forest listening.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


The lights are on,

but you're not home;

Your will

is not your own;

Your heart sweats,

Your teeth grind;

Another kiss

and you'll be mine...

You like to think that you're immune to the stuff

(Oh Yeah!)

It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;

You know you're gonna have to face it,

You're addicted to love!"

        -- Robert Palmer


The little town that time forgot,

Where all the women are strong,

The men are good-looking,

And the children above-average.

        -- Prairie Home Companion


    The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in

a position of negative need.

    He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.

    He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous


    He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.

    He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal

prestige of His identity.

    It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make

ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror

sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.

    Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me

into a pleasurific mood state.

    You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure

in the context of non-cooperative elements.

    You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.

    My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.

    It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational

empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their

target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess

tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended

time basis.


The makers may make

and the users may use,

but the fixers must fix

with but minimal clues


The man she had was kind and clean

And well enough for every day,

But oh, dear friends, you should have seen

The one that got away.

        -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"


The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age,

But that don't bother me none; in my eyes you're everything.

I know I keep you amused,

But I feel I'm being used.

Oh, Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face.

You took me away from home,

Just to save you from being alone;

You stole my heart, and that's what really hurts.

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,

Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,

Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,

That needs a helping hand,

Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.

You made a first-class fool out of me,

But I'm as blind as a fool can be.

You stole my soul, and that's a pain I can do without.

        -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"


The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

    Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

    Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.


The net of law is spread so wide,

No sinner from its sweep may hide.

Its meshes are so fine and strong,

They take in every child of wrong.

O wondrous web of mystery!

Big fish alone escape from thee!

        -- James Jeffrey Roche


The night passes quickly when you're asleep

But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat


Breakfast at the Egg House,

Like the waffle on the griddle,

I'm burnt around the edges,

But I'm tender in the middle.

        -- Adrian Belew


The one L lama, he's a priest

The two L llama, he's a beast

And I will bet my silk pyjama

There isn't any three L lllama.

        -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally

        his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."


The Pig, if I am not mistaken,

Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.

Let others think his heart is big,

I think it stupid of the Pig.

        -- Ogden Nash


The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life

    The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George

Wither.  Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his

verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".

    In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his

work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness.  It usually

lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".

    High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically

rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with

the higher emotions.

        She would me "Honey" call,

        She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.

        But now alas!  She's left me

        Falero, lero, loo.

    Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize

was her prudent choice of footwear.

        The fives did fit her shoe.

    In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by

the Royalists during the English Civil War.  When Sir John Denham, the

Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and

begged that his life be spared.  When asked his reason, Sir John replied,

"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the

worst poet in England."

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,

    Were each of them once a kiddie.

A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.

    Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!

        -- Ogden Nash


The Rabbits                The Cow

Here is a verse about rabbits        The cow is of the bovine ilk;

That doesn't mention their habits.    One end is moo, the other, milk.

        -- Ogden Nash


The rain it raineth on the just

    And also on the unjust fella,

But chiefly on the just, because

    The unjust steals the just's umbrella.

        -- Lord Bowen


The rhino is a homely beast,

For human eyes he's not a feast.

Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,

I'll stare at something less prepoceros.

        -- Ogden Nash


The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then?  I cannot say.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,

And surly Winter grimly flies.

Now crystal clear are the falling waters,

And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.

Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,

The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:

All creatures joy in the sun's returning,

And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.

The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,

The yellow Autumn presses near;

Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,

Till smiling Spring again appear.

Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,

Old Time and Nature their changes tell;

But never ranging, still unchanging,

I adore my bonnie Bell.

        -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"


The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door.

He said, "I am not fighting for you any more."

The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before,

And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young,

But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won,

And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun.

And now will you tell me why?"

        -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"


The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.

In town a noun might wear a gown,

or further down, might dress a clown.

A noun that's sound would never clown,

but unsound nouns jump up and down.

The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,

and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.

But please don't let that get you down,

the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.

        -- A. Nonnie Mouse


The street preacher looked so baffled

When I asked him why he dressed

With forty pounds of headlines

Stapled to his chest.

But he cursed me when I proved to him

I said, "Not even you can hide.

You see, you're just like me.

I hope you're satisfied."

        -- Bob Dylan


The sun was shining on the sea,

Shining with all his might:

He did his very best to make

The billows smooth and bright --

And this was very odd, because it was

The middle of the night.

        -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"


The Thought Police are here.  They've come

To put you under cardiac arrest.

And as they drag you through the door

They tell you that you've failed the test.

        -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"


The thrill is here, but it won't last long

You'd better have your fun before it moves along...


The trouble with a kitten is that

When it grows up, it's always a cat

        -- Ogden Nash.


The trouble with you

Is the trouble with me.

Got two good eyes

But we still don't see.

        -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"


The truth you speak has no past and no future.

It is, and that's all it needs to be.


The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks

Which practically conceal its sex.

I think it clever of the turtle

In such a fix to be so fertile.

        -- Ogden Nash


The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.

My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.

My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.

Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?

I feel together today!

        -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"


The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,

    Like Jaspar wine and sugar,

It must have blown through someone's feet,

    Like those of Caspar Weinberger.

        -- P. Opus


The wombat lives across the seas,

Among the far Antipodes.

He may exist on nuts and berries,

Or then again, on missionaries;

His distant habitat precludes

Conclusive knowledge of his moods.

But I would not engage the wombat

In any form of mortal combat.

        -- "The Wombat"


The Worst American Poet

    Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that

Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.

    Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire

of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her pen.

    Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the

formula was the same:

        Have you heard of the dreadful fate

        Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?

        Of their death I will relate,

        And also others lost their life

        (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,

        Where so many people died.

    Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,

the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a

river or struck by lightning.  A critic of the day said she was "worse than

a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.

    Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even

suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate".  Her reply was

forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went

beyond reason."  She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


        The Worst Lines of Verse

For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:

    "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."

Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted

these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous

laughter the instant they were read out.

    No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was

inspired by the subject of war.

    "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,

    And the grey roof reddened and rang;

    Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay

    The tip of my ear.  Flash! bang!"

By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):

    "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."

While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:

    "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,

    The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."

George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:

    "And I was ask'd and authorized to go

    To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."

William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:

    "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak

    While in this world, are liable to leak."

And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when

describing a pond:

    "I've measured it from side to side;

    Tis three feet long and two feet wide."

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


The young lady had an unusual list,

Linked in part to a structural weakness.

She set no preconditions.


The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?

And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?

There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?

So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,


So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh?

And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?

They may be cold, but that's okay!  Beer's better that way!


        -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?



Then here's to the City of Boston,

The town of the cries and the groans.

Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,

And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.

        -- Franklin Pierce Adams


There are bad times just around the corner,

There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky

    And it's no good whining

    About a silver lining

For we know from experience that they won't roll by...

        -- Noel Coward


There are places I'll remember

All my life though some have changed.

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain.

All these places had their moments

With lovers and friends I still recall.

Some are dead and some are living,

In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,

There is no one compared with you,

All these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before,

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I'll love you more.

        -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965


There are strange things done in the midnight sun

    By the men who moil for gold;

The Arctic trails have their secret tales

    That would make your blood run cold;

The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,

    But the queerest they ever did see

Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge

    I cremated Sam McGee.

        -- Robert W. Service


There is in certain living souls

A quality of loneliness unspeakable,

So great it must be shared

As company is shared by lesser beings.

Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this

That in immensity

There is one lonelier than you.


There is no point in waiting.

The train stopped running years ago.

All the schedules, the brochures,

The bright-colored posters full of lies,

Promise rides to a distant country

That no longer exists.


There is something in the pang of change

More than the heart can bear,

Unhappiness remembering happiness.

        -- Euripides


There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass

And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.

Where seagulls flew over their nest.

She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.

And caused her to tickle and itch.

The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.

A sittin' out there on the rocks."

The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.

And crowded four deep to the rail.

All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.


"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.

And soon we will certainly find

If mermaids are better before or be... brave

My dear fellows," The captain cried out.

And cursing with spleen.

This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.

        -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt


There was a little girl

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good

And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.

        -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"


There's a lesson that I need to remember

When everything is falling apart

In life, just like in loving

There's such a thing as trying to hard

You've gotta sing

Like you don't need the money

Love like you'll never get hurt

You've gotta dance

Like nobody's watching

It's gotta come from the heart

If you want it to work.

        -- Kathy Mattea


There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast

The corporation that we represent.

We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,

Of that man of men our sterling president

The name of T. J. Watson means

A courage none can stem

And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.

        -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook


There's amnesia in a hangknot,

And comfort in the ax,

But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.

    There's surcease in a gunshot,

    And sleep that comes from racks,

    But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.

You find rest on the hot squat,

Or gas can give you pax,

But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.

    There's refuge in the church lot

    When you tire of facing facts,

    And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.

Chorus:    With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,

    Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --

    But the pleasantest place to find your end

    Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.

        -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"


There's little in taking or giving,

    There's little in water or wine:

This living, this living, this living,

    Was never a project of mine.

Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is

    The gain of the one at the top,

For art is a form of catharsis,

    And love is a permanent flop,

And work is the province of cattle,

    And rest's for a clam in a shell,

So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --

    Would you kindly direct me to hell?

        -- Dorothy Parker


They told me you had proven it        When they discovered our results

    About a month before.            Their hair began to curl

The proof was valid, more or less    Instead of understanding it

    But rather less than more.        We'd run the thing through PRL.

He sent them word that we would try    Don't tell a soul about all this

    To pass where they had failed        For it must ever be

And after we were done, to them        A secret, kept from all the rest

    The new proof would be mailed.        Between yourself and me.

My notion was to start again

    Ignoring all they'd done

We quickly turned it into code

    To see if it would run.


They went rushing down that freeway,

Messed around and got lost.

They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,

And it was life in the fast lane.

        -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"


They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,

The man said "We got all that we can use",

So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',

Working-at-the-car-wash blues.

        -- Jim Croce


Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?

It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine

Have made my days and nights imperishable,

Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,

Innumerable atoms; and one desert,

Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,

But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,

Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.


"Thirty days hath Septober,

April, June, and no wonder.

all the rest have peanut butter

except my father who wears red suspenders."


Thirty white horses on a red hill,

First they champ,

Then they stamp,

Then they stand still.

        -- Tolkien


This ae nighte, this ae nighte,

Everye nighte and alle,

Fire and sleet and candlelyte,

And Christe receive thy saule.

        -- The Lykewake Dirge


This here's the wattle,

The emblem of our land.

You can stick it in a bottle;

You can hold it in your hand.


        -- Monty Python


This is for all ill-treated fellows

    Unborn and unbegot,

For them to read when they're in trouble

    And I am not.

        -- A. E. Housman


This is the story of the bee

Whose sex is very hard to see

You cannot tell the he from the she

But she can tell, and so can he

The little bee is never still

She has no time to take the pill

And that is why, in times like these

There are so many sons of bees.


This is the way the world ends,

This is the way the world ends,

This is the way the world ends,

Not with a bang but with a whimper.

        -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


This land is my land, and only my land,

I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,

If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,

This land is private property.

        -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie


This thing all things devours:

Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;

Gnaws iron, bites steel;

Grinds hard stones to meal;

Slays king, ruins town,

And beats high mountain down.


Those who sweat in flames of hell,    Leaden eared, some thought their bowels

Here's the reason that they fell:    Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.

While on earth they prayed in SAS,    These they offered up in praise

PL/1, or other crass,            Thinking all this fetid haze

Vulgar tongue.                A rapsody sung.

Some the lord did sorely try        Jabber of the mindless horde

Assembling all their pleas in hex.    Sequel next did mock the lord

Speech as crabbed as devil's crable    Slothful sequel so enfangled

Hex that marked on Tower Babel        Its speaker's lips became entangled

The highest rung.            In his bung.

Because in life they prayed so ill

And offered god such swinish swill

Now they sweat in flames of hell

Sweat from lack of APL

Sweat dung!


Though I respect that a lot

I'd be fired if that were my job

After killing Jason off and

Countless screaming argonauts

Bluebird of friendliness

Like guardian angels it's

Always near

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch

Who watches over you

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Not to put too fine a point on it

Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet

Make a little birdhouse in your soul

        -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants


Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"


Throw away documentation and manuals,

and users will be a hundred times happier.

Throw away privileges and quotas,

and users will do the Right Thing.

Throw away proprietary and site licenses,

and there won't be any pirating.

If these three aren't enough,

just stay at your home directory

and let all processes take their course.


Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown

Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine        And then one day you find

Staying home to watch the rain        Ten years have got behind you

You are young and life is long        No one told you when to run

And there is time to kill today        You missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking

And racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter        Hanging on in quiet desperation

                        is the English way

Never seem to find the time        The time is gone, the song is over

Plans that either come to nought    Thought I'd something more to say...

Or half a page of scribbled lines

        -- Pink Floyd, "Time"


Tiger got to hunt,

Bird got to fly;

Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"

Tiger got to sleep,

Bird got to land;

Man got to tell himself he understand.

        -- The Books of Bokonon


Tim and I a hunting went

We found three damsels in a tent,

As they were three, and we were two,

I bucked one and Timbuktu.

        -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"


Time goes, you say?

Ah no!

Time stays, *we* go.

        -- Austin Dobson


Time washes clean

Love's wounds unseen.

That's what someone told me;

But I don't know what it means.

        -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"


'Tis the dream of each programmer,

Before his life is done,

To write three lines of APL,

And make the damn things run.


    To A Quick Young Fox

Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,

Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?

Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--

Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.

        -- Lazy Dog


to be nobody but yourself in a world

which is doing its best night and day

to make you like everybody else

means to fight the hardest battle

any human being can fight and

never stop fighting.

        -- e.e. cummings


To code the impossible code,        This is my quest --

To bring up a virgin machine,        To debug that code,

To pop out of endless recursion,    No matter how hopeless,

To grok what appears on the screen,    No matter the load,

                    To write those routines

To right the unrightable bug,        Without question or pause,

To endlessly twiddle and thrash,    To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV

To mount the unmountable magtape,    For a heavenly cause.

To stop the unstoppable crash!        And I know if I'll only be true

                    To this glorious quest,

And the queue will be better for this,    That my code will run CUSPy and calm,

That one man, scorned and        When it's put to the test.

    destined to lose,

Still strove with his last allocation

To scrap the unscrappable kludge!

        -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha


To err is human,

To purr feline.

        -- Robert Byrne


To err is human, to purr feline.

To err is human, two curs canine.

To err is human, to moo bovine.


To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

        Ecclesiastes 3:1-9


To stand and be still,

At the Birkenhead drill,

Is a damned tough bullet to chew.

        -- Rudyard Kipling


To whom the mornings are like nights,

What must the midnights be!

        -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)


To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly

strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.

Then bind them to a metaphor or three,

and take by force a satisfying mesh.

Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.

You are the master here, and they the slaves.

Now whip them to maintain a constant pace

and rhythm as they stand in even staves.

A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out!

What use are words that drive not to the heart?

A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,

and choose more docile words to take its part.

A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,

by making love directly to the brain.


Tobacco is a filthy weed,

That from the devil does proceed;

It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,

And makes a chimney of your nose.

        -- B. Waterhouse


Too cool to calypso,

Too tough to tango,

Too weird to watusi

        -- The Only Ones


Troll sat alone on his seat of stone,

And munched and mumbled a bare old bone;

For many a year he had gnawed it near,

For meat was hard to come by.

    Done by!  Gum by!

In a cave in the hills he dwelt alone,

And meat was hard to come by.

Up came Tom with his big boots on.

Said he to Troll: "Pray, what is youn?

For it looks like the shin o' my nuncle Tim,

As should be a-lyin in graveyard.

    Caveyard!  Paveyard!

This many a year has Tim been gone,

And I thought he were lyin' in graveyard."

"My lad," said Troll, "this bone I stole.

But what be bones that lie in a hole?

Thy nuncle was dead as a lump o' lead,

Afore I found his shinbone.

    Tinbone!  Thinbone!

He can spare a share for a poor old troll

For he don't need his shinbone."

Said Tom: "I don't see why the likes o' thee

Without axin' leave should go makin' free

With the shank or the shin o' my father's kin;

So hand the old bone over!

    Rover!  Trover!

Though dead he be, it belongs to he;

So hand the old bnone over!"

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Try not.


Or do not.

There is no try.


"Twas bergen and the eirie road

Did mahwah into patterson:        "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!

All jersey were the ocean groves,    The teeth that bite, the nails

And the red bank bayonne.            that claw!

                    Beware the bound brook bird, and shun

He took his belmar blade in hand:    The kearney communipaw."

Long time the folsom foe he sought

Till rested he by a bayway tree        And, as in nutley thought he stood,

And stood a while in thought.        The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,

                    Came whippany through the englewood,

One, two, one, two, and through        And garfield as it came.

    and through

The belmar blade went hackensack!    "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?

He left it dead and with it's head    Come to my arms, my perth amboy!

He went weehawken back.            Hohokus day!  Soho!  Rahway!"

                    He caldwell in his joy.

Did mahwah into patterson:

All jersey were the ocean groves,

And the red bank bayonne.

        -- Paul Kieffer


'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.    "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

All mimsy were the borogroves        The jaws that bite, the claws

And the mome raths outgrabe.            that catch!

                    Beware the Jubjub bird,

He took his vorpal sword in hand    And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"

Long time the manxome foe he sought.

So rested he by the tumtum tree        And as in uffish thought he stood

And stood awhile in thought.        The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame

                    Came whuffling through the tulgey wood

One! Two! One! Two!  And through and    And burbled as it came!


The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.    "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?

He left it dead, and took its head,    Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

And went galumphing back.        Oh frabjous day!  Calooh!  Callay!"

                    He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

All mimsy were the borogroves

And the mome raths outgrabe.

        -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"


'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers

Did buy and gamble in the craze        "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!

All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers    The cost that bites, the worth

By market's wrath unphased.            that falls!

                    Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun

He took his forecast sword in hand:    The spurious Street o' Walls!"

Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -

Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he,    And as in bearish thought he stood

And stood awhile in thought.        The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,

                    Came waffling with the truth too good,

Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through    And yuppied great with greed!

    and through

The forecast blade went snicker-snack!    "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?

It bit the dirt, and with its shirt,    Come to my firm,  V.P.ish  boy!

He went rebounding back.        O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"

                    He bought him a Mercedes Toy.

'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers

Did gyre and tumble in the Crash

All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers

And mammon's wrath them bash!

        -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"


Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes

    Did logzerneg the ifthen block

All kludgy were the function flows

    And subroutines adhoc.

Beware the runtime-bug my friend

    squrooneg, the false goto

Beware the infiniteloop

    And shun the inprectoo.

        -- "OUTCONERR," to the scheme of "Jabberwocky"


'Twas midnight on the ocean,        Her children all were orphans,

Not a streetcar was in sight,        Except one a tiny tot,

So I stepped into a cigar store        Who had a home across the way

To ask them for a light.        Above a vacant lot.

The man    behind the counter        As I gazed through the oaken door

Was a woman, old and gray,        A whale went drifting by,

Who used to peddle doughnuts        Its six legs hanging in the air,

On the road to Mandalay.        So I kissed her goodbye.

She said "Good morning, stranger",    This story has a morale

Her eyes were dry with tears,        As you can plainly see,

As she put her head between her feet    Don't mix your gin with whiskey

And stood that way for years.        On the deep and dark blue sea.

        -- Midnight On The Ocean


'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks

Did gyre and gimble in their cave

All mimsy was the CS-VAX

And Cory raths outgrabe.

"Beware the software rot, my son!

The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!

Beware the broken pipe, and shun

The frumious system crash!"


'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,

    Not a program was working not even a browse.

The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,

    Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,

    While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,

    I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,

    But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,

    And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;

On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!

    On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,

    From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,

    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...

        -- "Twas the Night before Crisis"


'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period

   preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And

   throughout our place of residence,

Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the

   possessors of this potential, including that

   species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward

   edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,

Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an

   imminent visitation from an eccentric

   philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations

   is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...


Twenty two thousand days.

Twenty two thousand days.

It's not a lot.

It's all you've got.

Twenty two thousand days.

        -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"


    Two men looked out from the prison bars,

    One saw mud--

    The other saw stars.

Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.

While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit

in the head.


Tyger, Tyger, burning bright        Where the hammer?  Where the chain?

In the forests of the night,        In what furnace was thy brain?

What immortal hand or eye        What the anvil?  What dread grasp

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?    Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

Burnt in distant deeps or skies        When the stars threw down their spears

The cruel fire of thine eyes?        And water'd heaven with their tears

On what wings dare he aspire?        Dare he laugh his work to see?

What the hand dare seize the fire?    Dare he who made the lamb make thee?

And what shoulder & what art        Tyger, Tyger, burning bright

Could twist the sinews of they heart?    In the forests of the night,

And when thy heart began to beat    What immortal hand or eye

What dread hand & what dread feet    Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Could fetch it from the furnace deep

And in thy horrid ribs dare steep

In the well of sanguine woe?

In what clay & in what mould

Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?

        -- William Blake, "The Tyger"


U:    There's a U -- a Unicorn!

    Run right up and rub its horn.

    Look at all those points you're losing!

    UMBER HULKS are so confusing.

        -- The Roguelet's ABC


Under the wide and heavy VAX

Dig my grave and let me relax

Long have I lived, and many my hacks

And I lay me down with a will.

These be the words that tell the way:

"Here he lies who piped 64K,

Brought down the machine for nearly a day,

And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."


Under the wide and starry sky,

Dig my grave and let me lie,

Glad did I live and gladly die,

And laid me down with a will,

And this be the verse that you grave for me,

Here he lies where he longed to be,

Home is the sailor home from the sea,

And the hunter home from the hill.

        -- Robert Loius Stevenson, "Requiem"


Up against the net, redneck mother,

Mother who has raised your son so well;

He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,

Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...


Upon the hearth the fire is red,

Beneath the roof there is a bed;

But not yet weary are our feet,

Still round the corner we may meet

A sudden tree or standing stone

That none have seen but we alone.    Still round the corner there may wait

  Tree and flower and leaf and grass,    A new road or a secret gate,

  Let them pass!  Let them pass!    And though we pass them by today

  Hill and water under sky,        Tomorrow we may come this way

  Pass them by!  Pass them by!        And take the hidden paths that run

                    Towards the Moon or to the Sun,

Home is behind, the world ahead,      Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,

And there are many paths to tread      Let them go!  Let them go!

Through shadows to the edge of night,      Sand and stone and pool and dell,

Until the stars are all alight.          Fare you well!  Fare you well!

Then world behind and home ahead,

We'll wander back to home and bed.

  Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,

  Away shall fade!  Away shall fade!

  Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,

  And then to bed!  And then to bed!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Voiceless it cries,

Wingless flutters,

Toothless bites,

Mouthless mutters.


Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim

And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,

And to him who's scientific

There is nothing that's terrific

In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!

        -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"


Wad some power the giftie gie us

To see oursels as others see us.

        -- R. Burns


Wake now my merry lads!  Wake and hear me calling!

Warm now be heart and limb!  The cold stone is fallen;

Dark door is standing wide; dead hand is broken.

Night under Night is flown, and the Gate is open!

        -- J. R. R. Tolkien


Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,

Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.

Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,

Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.

Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.

Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.

Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.

Make our country well again, respected by the world.

Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.

Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.

Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,

Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.

        -- Pansy Myers Schroeder


Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,

A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.

But then one day he was shootin' at some food,

When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;

    black gold; 'Texas tea' ...

Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.

The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'

They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',

So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;

    swimmin' pools; movie stars.


Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles

In children's circuses could stay their troubles?

There was a time they could cry over books,

But time has set its maggot on their track.

Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.

What's never known is safest in this life.

Under the skysigns they who have no arms

Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost

Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.

        -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"


Watching girls go passing by

It ain't the latest thing

I'm just standing in a doorway

I'm just trying to make some sense

Out of these girls passing by        A smile relieves the heart that grieves

The tales they tell of men        Remember what I said

I'm not waiting on a lady        I'm not waiting on a lady

I'm just waiting on a friend        I'm just waiting on a friend


Don't need a whore

Don't need no booze

Don't need a virgin priest        Ooh, making love and breaking hearts

But I need someone I can cry to        It is a game for youth

I need someone to protect        But I'm not waiting on a lady

                    I'm just waiting on a friend

                    I'm just waiting on a friend

        -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"


We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.

        -- Pink Floyd


We don't need no indirection        We don't need no compilation

We don't need no flow control        We don't need no load control

No data typing or declarations        No link edit for external bindings

Hey! did you leave the lists alone?    Hey! did you leave that source alone?

Chorus:                    (Chorus)

    Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.

We don't need no side-effecting        We don't need no allocation

We don't need no flow control        We don't need no special-nodes

No global variables for execution    No dark bit-flipping for debugging

Hey! did you leave the args alone?    Hey! did you leave those bits alone?

(Chorus)                (Chorus)

        -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd


We gotta get out of this place,

If it's the last thing we ever do.

        -- The Animals


we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,

we will cry over things we used to laugh &

our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle

creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &

in the end a summer with wild winds &

new friends will be.


We wish you a Hare Krishna

We wish you a Hare Krishna

We wish you a Hare Krishna

And a Sun Myung Moon!

        -- Maxwell Smart


We're happy little Vegemites,

    As bright as bright can be.

We all all enjoy our Vegemite

    For breakfast, lunch and tea.


We're Knights of the Round Table

We dance whene'er we're able

We do routines and chorus scenes    We're knights of the Round Table

With footwork impeccable        Our shows are formidable

We dine well here in Camelot        But many times

We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.    We're given rhymes

                    That are quite unsingable

In war we're tough and able,        We're opera mad in Camelot

Quite indefatigable            We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

Between our quests

We sequin vests

And impersonate Clark Gable

It's a busy life in Camelot.

I have to push the pram a lot.

        -- Monty Python


We've tried each spinning space mote

And reckoned its true worth:

Take us back again to the homes of men

On the cool, green hills of Earth.

The arching sky is calling

Spacemen back to their trade.

All hands!  Standby!  Free falling!

And the lights below us fade.

Out ride the sons of Terra,

Far drives the thundering jet,

Up leaps the race of Earthmen,

Out, far, and onward yet--

We pray for one last landing

On the globe that gave us birth;

Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies

And the cool, green hills of Earth.

        -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941


Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!

We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!

There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,

Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.

Come inside, the show's about to start,

Guaranteed to blow your head apart.

Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,

Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!

You gotta see the show!  It's a dynamo!

You gotta see the show!  It's rock 'n' roll!

        -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)


Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,

The headline screamed that I was still alive,

I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.

I dreamed I'd been in a border town,

In a little cantina that the boys had found,

I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.

When along came a senorita,

She looked so good that I had to meet her,

I was ready to approach her with my English charm,

When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,

And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,

Grow some funk of your own.

We no like to with the gringo fight,

But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.


Take my advice, take the next flight,

And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.

        -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"


Well, fancy giving money to the Government!

Might as well have put it down the drain.

Fancy giving money to the Government!

Nobody will see the stuff again.

Well, they've no idea what money's for --

Ten to one they'll start another war.

I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!

Fancy giving money to the Government!

        -- A. P. Herbert


Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,

I hope they comin' for me!

And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,

I hope they doin' it for free!

They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!

First time that I got it I was just ten years old,

Got it from the kitty next door...

I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,

I think I got it some more!

Got a bad scratch fever...

        -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"


Well, my daddy left home when I was three,

And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,

Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.

Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,

But the meanest thing that he ever did,

Was before he left he went and named me Sue.


But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,

I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,

And kill the man that give me that awful name.

It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,

I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,

Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,

At an old saloon on a street of mud,

Sitting at a table, dealing stud,

Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.


Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,

From a wornout picture that my Mother had,

And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...

        -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"


Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,

    And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;

I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,

    I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,

    Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,

'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.

    I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,

    But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.

Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,

    I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

        -- Core Dumped Blues


Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,

And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,

But I take delight in the juice of the barley,

And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.


Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,

And we're loved everywhere we go.

We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,

At ten thousand dollars a show.

We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,

But the thrill we've never known,

Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,

On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,

Who embroiders on my jeans.

I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,

Drivin' my limousine.

Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,

But our minds won't be really be blown;

Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,

On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,

Who'll do anything we say.

We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.

We got all the friends that money can buy,

So we never have to be alone.

And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,

On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

        -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show

        [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]


What awful irony is this?

We are as gods, but know it not.


What did ya do with your burden and your cross?

Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?

You and I know that a burden and a cross,

Can only be carried on one man's back.

        -- Louden Wainwright III


What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore --

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over --

Like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

Like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

        -- Langston Hughes


What has roots as nobody sees,

Is taller than trees,

Up, up it goes,

And yet never grows?


What pains others pleasures me,

At home am I in Lisp or C;

There i couch in ecstasy,

'Til debugger's poke i flee,

Into kernel memory.

In system space, system space, there shall i fare--

Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.


What segment's this, that, laid to rest

On FHA0, is sleeping?

What system file, lay here a while    This, this is "acct.run,"

While hackers around it were weeping?    Accounting file for everyone.

                    Dump, dump it and type it out,

                    The file, the highseg of login.

Why lies it here, on public disk

And why is it now unprotected?

A bug in incant, made it thus.        Mount, mount all your DECtapes now

And copy the file somehow, somehow.    The problem has not been corrected.

                    Dump, dump it and type it out,

                    The file, the highseg of login.

        -- to Greensleeves


What we Are is God's gift to us.

What we Become is our gift to God.


What with chromodynamics and electroweak too

Our Standardized Model should please even you,

Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none

It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.

Yet your state of the union penultimate large

Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,

And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll

Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.

Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back

For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,

But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude

Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.

Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,

You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,

That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere

Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear

Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta

Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.

        -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984


What's love but a second-hand emotion?

        -- Tina Turner


What, still alive at twenty-two,

A clean upstanding chap like you?

Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,

Slit your girl's, and swing for it.

Like enough, you won't be glad,

When they come to hang you, lad:

But bacon's not the only thing

That's cured by hanging from a string.

So, when the spilt ink of the night

Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,

Lads whose job is still to do

Shall whet their knives, and think of you.

        -- Hugh Kingsmill


When a lion meets another with a louder roar,

the first lion thinks the last a bore.

        -- G. B. Shaw


When I think about myself,

I almost laugh myself to death,

My life has been one great big joke,    Sixty years in these folks' world

A dance that's walked            The child I works for calls me girl

A song that's spoke,            I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.

I laugh so hard I almost choke        Too proud to bend

When I think about myself.        Too poor to break,

                    I laugh until my stomach ache,

                    When I think about myself.

My folks can make me split my side,

I laughed so hard I nearly died,

The tales they tell, sound just like lying,

They grow the fruit,

But eat the rind,

I laugh until I start to crying,

When I think about my folks.

        -- Maya Angelou


When in panic, fear and doubt,

Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.


When in this world the headlines read

Of those whose hearts are filled with greed

Who rob and steal from those who need

The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)

Underdog (UNDERDOG!)

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder

Fighting all who rob or plunder

Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)




When in trouble or in doubt,

run in circles, scream and shout.


When license fees are too high,

users do things by hand.

When the management is too intrusive,

users lose their spirit.

Hack for the user's benefit.

Trust them; leave them alone.


When love is gone, there's always justice.

And when justice is gone, there's always force.

And when force is gone, there's always Mom.

Hi, Mom!

        -- Laurie Anderson


When my fist clenches crack it open,

Before I use it and lose my cool.

When I smile tell me some bad news,

Before I laugh and act like a fool.

And if I swallow anything evil,

Put you finger down my throat.

And if I shiver please give me a blanket,

Keep me warm let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,

    to be the sad man.

Behind blue eyes.

No one knows what its like to be hated,

    to be fated,

To telling only lies.

        -- The Who


When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.

The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points

And Oxygen still had none

Then Oxygen scored a single goal

And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1

Called because of rain.


When someone makes a move        We'll send them all we've got,

Of which we don't approve,        John Wayne and Randolph Scott,

Who is it that always intervenes?    Remember those exciting fighting scenes?

U.N. and O.A.S.,            To the shores of Tripoli,

They have their place, I guess,        But not to Mississippoli,

But first, send the Marines!        What do we do?  We send the Marines!

For might makes right,            Members of the corps

And till they've seen the light,    All hate the thought of war:

They've got to be protected,        They'd rather kill them off by

                        peaceful means.

All their rights respected,        Stop calling it aggression--

Till somebody we like can be elected.    We hate that expression!

                    We only want the world to know

                    That we support the status quo;

                    They love us everywhere we go,

                    So when in doubt, send the Marines!

        -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"


When the Guru administers, the users

are hardly aware that he exists.

Next best is a sysop who is loved.

Next, one who is feared.

And worst, one who is despised.

If you don't trust the users,

you make them untrustworthy.

The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.

When his work is done,

the users say, "Amazing:

we implemented it, all by ourselves!"


When the leaders speak of peace

The common folk know

That war is coming

When the leaders curse war

The mobilization order is already written out.

Every day, to earn my daily bread

I go to the market where lies are bought


I take my place among the sellers.

        -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"


When users see one GUI as beautiful,

other user interfaces become ugly.

When users see some programs as winners,

other programs become lossage.

Pointers and NULLs reference each other.

High level and assembler depend on each other.

Double and float cast to each other.

High-endian and low-endian define each other.

While and until follow each other.

Therefore the Guru

programs without doing anything

and teaches without saying anything.

Warnings arise and he lets them come;

processes are swapped and he lets them go.

He has but doesn't possess,

acts but doesn't expect.

When his work is done, he deletes it.

That is why it lasts forever.


When you and I are far apart

Can sorrow break your tender heart?

I love you darling, yes I do;

Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;

All you are is a blossoming rose.

Night is here so I must close.

With care read the first word of each line.

You will find a question of mine.

        -- Yours hopefully, The VAX.


When you find yourself in danger,

When you're threatened by a stranger,

When it looks like you will take a lickin'...

There is one thing you should learn,

When there is no one else to turn to,

    Caaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)

    Caaaall for Super Chicken!!


When you get what you want in your struggle for self

And the world makes you king for a day,

Just go to a mirror and look at yourself

And see what that man has to say.

    For it isn't your father or mother or wife

    Whose judgement upon you must pass;

    The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life

    Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum

And call you a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

    He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,

    For he's with you clear up to the end,

    And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

    If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the man in the glass.


When you meet a master swordsman,

show him your sword.

When you meet a man who is not a poet,

do not show him your poem.

        -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master


When you overesteem great hackers,

more users become cretins.

When you develop encryption,

more users become crackers.

The Guru leads

by emptying user's minds

and increasing their quotas,

by weakening their ambition

and toughening their resolve.

When users lack knowledge and desire,

management will not try to interfere.

Practice not-looping,

and everything will fall into place.


When you're a Yup

You're a Yup all the way

From your first slice of Brie

To your last Cabernet.

When you're a Yup

You're not just a dreamer

You're making things happen

You're driving a Beamer.


When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,

Wretched, bored, dejected; only

Here's the rub, my darling dear

I feel the same when you are near.

        -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"


Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,

    We people on the pavement looked at him:

He was a gentleman from sole to crown,

    Clean-favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,

    And he was always human when he talked;

But still he fluttered pulses when he said,

    "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --

    And admirably schooled in every grace:

In fine, we thought that he was everything

    To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,

    And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,

    Went home and put a bullet through his head.

        -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"



    Oh, dear, where can the matter be

    When it's converted to energy?

    There is a slight loss of parity.

    Johnny's so long at the fair.


Where's the man could ease a heart

Like a satin gown?

        -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"


Where, oh, where, are you tonight?

Why did you leave me here all alone?

I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.

You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.

Gloom, despair and agony on me.

Deep dark depression, excessive misery.

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.

        -- Hee Haw


Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,

Do not cease your single-handed struggle.

Go on, do not rest.

        -- An old Gujarati hymn


Whether you can hear it or not,

The Universe is laughing behind your back.

        -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"


While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,

The fate of empires and the fall of kings;

While quacks of State must each produce his plan,

And even children lisp the Rights of Man;

Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,

The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

        -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 26/10 1792


While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

        -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"

    [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when

     referring to hardware interrupts.]

And now I see with eye serene

The very pulse of the machine.

        -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"

    [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when

     referring to software interrupts.]


While walking down a crowded

City street the other day,

I heard a little urchin

To a comrade turn and say,

"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,

I'd be happy as a clam

If only I was de feller dat

Me mudder t'inks I am.

"She t'inks I am a wonder,        My friends, be yours a life of toil

An' she knows her little lad        Or undiluted joy,

Could never mix wit' nuttin'        You can learn a wholesome lesson

Dat was ugly, mean or bad.        From that small, untutored boy.

Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink    Don't aim to be an earthly saint

How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz!        With eyes fixed on a star:

If a feller was de feller        Just try to be the fellow that

Dat his mudder t'inks he is."        Your mother thinks you are.

        -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"


Whip it, baby.

Whip it right.

Whip it, baby.

Whip it all night!


Who does not love wine, women, and song,

Remains a fool his whole life long.

        -- Johann Heinrich Voss


Who loves not wisely but too well

Will look on Helen's face in hell,

But he whose love is thin and wise

Will view John Knox in Paradise.

        -- Dorothy Parker


Who made the world I cannot tell;

'Tis made, and here am I in hell.

My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,

I never soiled with such a deed.

        -- A. E. Housman


Who to himself is law no law doth need,

offends no law, and is a king indeed.

        -- George Chapman


Why are you watching

The washing machine?

I love entertainment

So long as it's clean.

Professor Doberman:

    While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded

pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified

improvement.  Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic

experience.  As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one

must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in

fact distract from the unity of the whole.  In the final analysis, one

receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have

been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its

meaning.  It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be

suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive



With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?

        -- Pink Floyd


Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,

Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer

The future's uncertain and the end is always near.

        -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"


Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.

Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.

Seems I'm not alone in being alone.

Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.

        -- The Police, "Message in a Bottle"


Yea from the table of my memory

I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.

        -- Hamlet


Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.

And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.

Just different ways to kill the pain the same.

But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,

Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.

I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.

        -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)


Yesterday upon the stair

I met a man who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today --

I think he's from the CIA.


"You are old, Father William," the young man said,

    "All your papers these days look the same;

Those William's would be better unread --

    Do these facts never fill you with shame?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,

    "I wrote wonderful papers galore;

But the great reputation I found that I'd won,

    Made it pointless to think any more."


"You are old, father William," the young man said,

    "And your hair has become very white;

And yet you incessantly stand on your head --

    Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,

    "I feared it might injure the brain;

But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,

    Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,

    And have grown most uncommonly fat;

Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --

    Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,

    "I kept all my limbs very supple

By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --

    Allow me to sell you a couple?"


"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers

    That your lectures bore people to death.

Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --

    Don't you think that you should save your breath?"

"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"

    Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!

Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

    Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"


"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak

    For anything tougher than suet;

Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --

    Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,

    And argued each case with my wife;

And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,

    Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose

    That your eye was as steady as ever;

Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --

    What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"

    Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!

Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

    Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"


"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,

    And there isn't one language you like;

Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --

    Have you thought about taking a hike?"

"Since I never write programs," his father replied,

    "Every language looks equally bad;

Yet the people keep paying to read all my books

    And don't realize that they've been had."


"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,

    And make errors few people could bear;

You complain about everyone's English but yours --

    Do you really think this is quite fair?"

"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,

    "But my stature these days is so great

That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,

    And to stop me it's now far too late."


You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,

You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.

(chorus)    Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,

        Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.

You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,

You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.


You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,

You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.



You go down to the pickup station,

    craving warmth and beauty;

You settle for less than fascination --

    a few drinks later you're not so choosy.

And the closing lights strip off the shadows

    on this strange new flesh you've found --

Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf

    you hurry to the blackness

    and the blankets to lay down an impression

    and your loneliness.

        -- Joni Mitchell


You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,

And you know it don't come easy ...

I don't ask for much, I only want trust,

And you know it don't come easy ...


You know my heart keeps tellin' me,

You're not a kid at thirty-three,

You play around you lose your wife,

You play too long, you lose your life.

Some gotta win, some gotta lose,

Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.


You may be right, I may be crazy,

But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for!

        -- Billy Joel


You will find me drinking gin

In the lowest kind of inn,

Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

        -- G. K. Chesterton


You'll always be,

What you always were,

Which has nothing to do with,

All to do, with her.

        -- Company


Your wise men don't know how it feels

To be thick as a brick.

        -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"


Your worship is your furnaces

which, like old idols, lost obscenes,

have molten bowels; your vision is

machines for making more machines.

        -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874


Yours is not to reason why,

Just to Sail Away.

And when you find you have to throw

Your Legacy away;

Remember life as was it is,

And is as it were;

Chasing sounds across the galaxy

'Till silence is but a blur.

        -- QYX.


We found you hiding

We found you lying

Choking on the dirt and sand.

Your former glories

And all the stories

Dragged and washed with eager hands.

        -- ``Cities in Dust'', "Tinderbox", Siouxsie & the Banshees.



Comments (0)

You don't have permission to comment on this page.