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Page history last edited by dm 14 years, 10 months ago

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at

which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.

        -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"


1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!

2nd graffitiist: Why?


A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a

"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

        -- Mahatma Gandhi


A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.

        -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget


A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.


A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything

before he destroys it.


A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the

poor to protect them from each other.


A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but

won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

        -- Bill Vaughan


A Difficulty for Every Solution.

        -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service


A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.


A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you

actually look forward to the trip.

        -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"


A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.

        -- Adlai Stevenson


A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

        -- Winston Churchill


A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

        -- Adlai Stevenson


A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.

        -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981


A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough

to take it all away.

        -- Barry Goldwater


A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.

        -- B. Franklin


A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest

man a century.


A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals

are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for

not going to church on Sunday.

        -- Russell Baker


A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.


A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.


A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.

        -- Alexander Hamilton


A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.


A penny saved is a penny taxed.


A penny saved kills your career in government.


A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to

govern.  It demands no social reforms.  It does not haggle over expenditures

on armaments and military equipment.  It pays without discussion, it ruins

itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and

manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.

        -- Anatole France


A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,

but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.

        -- Jean Paul Sartre


A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then

asks you not to kill him.

        -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952


A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be

too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which

was intended for her preservation.

        -- Colton


A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having

his neighbour notice it.

        -- Trygve Lie


A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices

that the system works.


A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.

        -- Ramsey Clark


A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from

the vexation of thinking.

        -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831


A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.

        -- Harry S. Truman


A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.

        -- O'Henry


A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many

bad measures.

        -- Daniel Webster


Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.


"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of

the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the

cost to others, to win advancement."

        -- Norman Thomas


Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.

    -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,

       Ecole Superieure de Guerre


Alea iacta est.

    [The die is cast]

        -- Gaius Julius Caesar


Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was

the closest our country has ever been to being even.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent

upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a

visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is

informing, stimulating and ennobling.

        -- H. L. Mencken


All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.

        -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of

           Catiline", by Sallust


All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.

        -- Chou En Lai


All kings is mostly rapscallions.

        -- Mark Twain


All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of

the United States.

        -- Vic Gold


All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.

        -- Groucho Marx


All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by

the government in less than a second.

        -- Jim Fiebig


All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes

infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in

which he was born.

        -- Francois Fenelon


America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one

dollar, and use it up in two weeks.


America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism

to decadence without touching civilization.

        -- John O'Hara


America: born free and taxed to death.


An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the

benefit of his country.

        -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639


An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is

always polite to traffic cops.


An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in

small as in great matters.

        -- W. Churchill


An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.

        -- Simon Cameron

There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When

bought they stay bought.

        -- Bill Moyers


Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no

government at all.


"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a

courtesy detail."


And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man

with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.


And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have

a sense of humor, as does history.  Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks

tragedy, and this too is historic.  And yet, still, when corn meets

tragedy face to face, we have politics.

        -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and

           Ground Cover"


Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.

Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.

        -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"


Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.

        -- Pyrrhus


Any excuse will serve a tyrant.

        -- Aesop


    "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.

    "None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding someone

qualified who is willing to accept the post."

    "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I

can at least make a decision."

    "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic

young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most

up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."

        -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"


Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years

organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.

        -- David Broder


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no

account be allowed to do the job.

        -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.

When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

        -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"


Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.

        -- G. J. Danton


Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.


Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the

legislature is in session.


Bedfellows make strange politicians.


Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

        -- Herbert Hoover


C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!

    [It is magnificent, but it is not war]

        -- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade


"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."

        -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989


Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents

for postage and 30 cents for storage.

        -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post


Census Taker to Housewife:

Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?


Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted

in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need

more owls."

        -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"


Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.


Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job

is to enforce the law and fight crime.

        -- P. B. A. President E. J. Kiernan


Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

        -- Alfred E. Newman


Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It

eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the

business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."

        -- Johnny Hart


Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.


Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.

        -- Ralph Waldo Emerson


Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than

we deserve.

        -- George Bernard Shaw


Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder

aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

        -- Senator Soaper


Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the

incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

        -- G. B. Shaw


Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you

don't think.


Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who

will get the blame.

        -- Laurence J. Peter


Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.

        -- Jawaharlal Nehru


Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.

        -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913


Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people

are right more than half of the time.

        -- E. B. White


Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other

forms that have been tried from time to time.

        -- Winston Churchill


Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for

the people.

        -- Oscar Wilde


Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.

Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.


Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.  Politics is about

surviving until Friday afternoon.

        -- Sir Humphrey Appleby


Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.

        -- Daniele Vare


Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

        -- Wynn Catlin


Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.

        -- Balfour


Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.


Don't be humble ... you're not that great.

        -- Golda Meir


Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.


Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!


Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!

        -- "Brazil"


Don't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum, sodomy and

the lash.

        -- Winston Churchill


Don't vote -- it only encourages them!


Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders

has been discontinued.


Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs

in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a

university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two

3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.


Each person has the right to take the subway.


Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United

States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day.

    [and getting better!  Soon it'll be down to a penny a day!]


Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?


Every country has the government it deserves.

        -- Joseph De Maistre


Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!

But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and

when they aren't.

    When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.

    When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.

    When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.

    When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!


Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,

no one we know belongs.


Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit

of justice is no virtue.

        -- Barry Goldwater


Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.

        -- George Santayana


Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the

former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and

reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits

were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women

and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures

from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty

deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus

was the Empire forged.

        -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"


Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.

Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.

        -- Joe Orton, "Loot"


Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.

        -- H. S. Thompson


First rule of public speaking.

    First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;

    then tell 'em;

    then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.


For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.

This gives me great hope for the human race.

        -- Harlan Ellison


Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws

of nature!

        -- G. B. Shaw


Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.

        -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"


Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.

        -- A Yippie Proverb


Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.


Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.

        -- Camus


Freedom is slavery.

Ignorance is strength.

War is peace.

        -- George Orwell


Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.


Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

        -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"


"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."

        -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down

           the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National

           Security Agency.



    Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the

approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been

diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship

from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

    We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,

and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds

me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and

spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted

for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

    Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains

unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been

a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to

one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This

reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance,

since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise

to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

    This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request

elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I

may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.

I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as

given below.  I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but

I cannot do both:

    1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the

benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:

    2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

        -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,

           London, 1812


George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.

        -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82


George Orwell was an optimist.


George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to

have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.

        -- Ashley Cooper


Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down that might go into a

"Pearl Harbor File".


"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."

        -- Napoleon


Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and

car keys to teenage boys.

        -- P. J. O'Rourke


God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to

receive it.

        -- Austin O'Malley


Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of

those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the

will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of

government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.

        -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"


Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.


Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?

Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":



Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.

        -- Lao Tsu


Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.

        -- John Updike, "Couples"


Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.


Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know

any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he

doesn't know much.

        -- Will Rogers


    Graduating seniors, parents and friends...

    Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up

to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.

    The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the

text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.

    Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured

the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to

expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.

    Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric

perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed

denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.

    Thank you and good luck.

        -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.


Great Moments in History: #3

August 27, 1949:

    A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the

    Women's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.


    Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the

Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular

story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was

roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the


    "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,

but not in the House."


Grub first, then ethics.

        -- Bertolt Brecht


Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of

sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.

        -- Tobias Smollet


Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it

appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,

and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels?  Then let us

not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its

incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.

        -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"


Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline

sharply the minute they start waving guns around?

        -- Dr. Who


He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all

the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."

        -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"


He is the best of men who dislikes power.

        -- Mohammed


He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.


He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

        -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"


He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry

attacks democracy itself.

        -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS


He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest

benefactor the world has yet known.

        -- Sir Richard Burton


He who slings mud generally loses ground.

        -- Adlai Stevenson


He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...


Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.  From where the

sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.

        -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce


Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.


History has much to say on following the proper procedures.  From a history

of the Mexican revolution:

    "Hidalgo was later defeated at Guadalajara.  The rebel army was

captured on its way through the mountains.  All were courtmartialed and

shot, except Hidalgo, because he was a priest.  He was handed over to

the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the

army where he was then executed."


History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).


History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.

        -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"


History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,

periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them

asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at

intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...  Truly the imago

state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.

        -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"


History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have

exhausted all other alternatives.

        -- Abba Eban


How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?

        -- Charles de Gaulle


How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to

journalists, and they believe what they read.

        -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"


I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend

than be one.

        -- Clarence Darrow


I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves

for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man

is to suffer for others.

        -- Cesar Chavez


I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.

        -- A. Ward


I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.

        -- Jay Gould


I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to

run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better

husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."

        -- Boss Tweed


I don't like the Dutchman.  He's a crocodile.  He's sneaky.  I don't trust him.

        -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference

           with Dutch Schultz.

I don't trust Legs.  He's nuts.  He gets excited and starts pulling a

trigger like another guy wipes his nose.

        -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with

           "Legs" Diamond.


I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the

streets and frighten the horses.

        -- Victor Hugo


I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets

fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

        -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.


I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

        -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd

           just shot.


I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.

        -- Augustus Caesar


I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,

the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to

sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

        -- Martin Luther King, Jr.


I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice

my wife's brother.

        -- Artemus Ward


I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism,

he catches it in a very acute form.

        -- Winston Churchill, 1903


I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth

and they never believe me.

        -- Camillo Di Cavour


I have gained this by philosophy:

that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.

        -- Aristotle


I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts

already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.

        -- Alan Bennett


I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...

        -- Thomas Jefferson


I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World

War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

        -- Albert Einstein


I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote

peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want peace so much

that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them

have it.

        -- Dwight D. Eisenhower


I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.

        -- Will Rogers


I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the

legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that way.

        -- Jay Gould


I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.

        -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the

           Royal Family


I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.

        -- W. C. Fields


I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a

toilet seat.

        -- Michael McShane


I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as

the greatest of dangers to be feared.  To preserve our independence, we must

not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.  If we run into such debts, we

must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,

in our labor and in our amusements.  If we can prevent the government from

wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they

will be happy.

        -- Thomas Jefferson


I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America

and to the republic for which it stands,

one nation,


with liberty

and justice for all.

        -- Francis Bellamy, 1892


I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.

        -- Cicero

Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.

        -- Poor Richard


I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that the

whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional

congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we

can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as

this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world

hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash

journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as


        -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against

           Political Fallout"


I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope

they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to

the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about

us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


I steal.

        -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board

Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas.

        -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living


I think the world is run by C students.

        -- Al McGuire


I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.

        -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari


I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

        -- Bill Veeck


I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.

        -- Judge Harold T. Stone


I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.

        -- Woodrow Wilson


I used to be a rebel in my youth.

This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.

Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own

problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by

a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.

I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better

I feel these days.

        -- J. Feiffer


I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.

        -- Martin Luther King, Jr.


I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued

endangered species.  It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of

pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of

bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an

excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically

critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud

the earth.

        Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"


I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is

anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or

breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really

gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He

works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.

Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work

for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me

two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I

was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But

I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."

        -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"


I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.  I

asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a


        -- Tiburcio Vasquez


I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,

we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

        -- Jack Handley


I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in

understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,

our tasks will be solved.

        -- Warren G. Harding


I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection

with income tax policies.

        -- William F. Buckley


I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.

        -- Marcus Procius Cato


I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than

reign among the dead.

        -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91


I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the

whole field to private industry.

        -- Joseph Heller


"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,

carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,

I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."

        -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H


"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.

That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."

        -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]


I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson

says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.

        -- Bob Hope


"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"


I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is

-- I could be just as proud for half the money.

        -- Arthur Godfrey


"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives."


I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.


If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;

and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it

will lose that, too.

        -- W. Somerset Maugham


If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal


        -- J. Edgar Hoover


If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.

        -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"


If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.

        -- Bertrand Russell


If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with

green, baggy skin.


If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.

        -- Jerry Dreshfield


If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital,

it would have been much better.

        -- Karl Marx's Mother


If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,

he should see how bad it is with representation.


If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they

will take sandwiches.

        -- Lord Boyd-orr

Eats first, morals after.

        -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"


If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?


If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.

        -- Robert Frost


If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream

and never be our destiny.

        -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson


If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them

and elect a new people?


"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

        -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)


If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor

could make!


If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like

his necktie.

        -- Attorney General William Saxbe


If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting

could change the system, it would be illegal.


If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.


If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.

        -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"


If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it,

and involve others in our doom.

        -- Samuel Adams


If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.


If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.

        -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking


"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to

have to get a toehold in the public eye."


If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it

will always do it.

        -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin


If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is

make the rubble bounce.

        -- Winston Churchill


If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

        -- Graham Summer


If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year

with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined

them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!

        -- Mr. Interesting


If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the

Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's

statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone

directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles

beginning with the word "National."

        -- George Will


If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some

memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'

it, even if they don't know what it means.

        -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"


If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are

reasonable, at least it's a start.


Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

        -- Robert Orben

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

        -- Jack Paar


Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.

        -- Genji


Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

        -- Jack Paar


In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one

of the risks he takes.

        -- Adlai Stevenson


In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.


In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools

will be temporarily canceled.


In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.

        -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery


In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last

resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but

inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

        -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse

of the powerless is petty theft.


In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because

I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up

because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I

didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the

Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came

for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.

        -- Pastor Martin Niemoller


In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,

murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci

and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had

five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?

The cuckoo-clock.

        -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"


In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence

is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

        -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"


In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of


        -- John Diefenbaker


In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

        -- Lenny Bruce


In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take

my advice.

        -- Winston Churchill


In war it is not men, but the man who counts.

        -- Napoleon


In war, truth is the first casualty.

        -- U Thant


... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves

smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is

not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.

        -- Stephen Crane


Individualists unite!


Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.

        -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery


Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.


    Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family

often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.


Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

        -- Martin Luther King, Jr.


Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the

street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US

invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;

and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"

        -- David Letterman


Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're

best at, that's what I say.

        -- Doctor Who


It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan

which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,

insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather

than be the instrument of his army's downfall.

        -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"


It got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly

planted in the air.


It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.


It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight

yourself down with invisible chains.


It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.


It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its

proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a

better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat

your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of

attention, the harder the task.

        -- Sydney J. Harris


It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

        -- Alfred Adler


It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination

of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...

        -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters


It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want

to die.


It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will

have a high-level meeting.

        -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip


It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged

to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the

youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.

        -- George Bernard Shaw


It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether

the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the

man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and

blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who

knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a

worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that

he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory

or defeat.

        -- Teddy Roosevelt


It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?

        -- Elizabeth Carpenter


It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a

sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate

in all times and situations.  They presented him the words: "And this,

too, shall pass away."

        -- Abraham Lincoln


It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better

still to be a live lion.  And usually easier.

        -- Lazarus Long


It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of

one's life and then come round.

        -- Lord Alfred Douglas


It seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protest

against taxation.


It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.


It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card

may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada

military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said

the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces.  One soldier found

a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army

officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the

Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.

        -- Aviation Week and Space Technology


"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The

Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies."

        -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"


It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.

Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

        -- Hunter S. Thompson


It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.


It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression

when you lose yours.

        -- Harry S. Truman


    "It's a summons."

    "What's a summons?"

    "It means summon's in trouble."

        -- Rocky and Bullwinkle


It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first

thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody.

        -- Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night"


It's important that people know what you stand for.

It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.


It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how

to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

        -- George Burns


It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises

the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.

        -- Franklin P. Jones


    Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has

been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.

    "Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag

when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was

Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin.  Why is

it always me, teacher?"

    "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher


        -- being told in Poland, 1987


Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy".

Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.


Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.


Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people,

and kill them.


Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions

seldom black or white.  Beware of the solution that requires one side to be

totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner.  The reason

there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all

the facts.  Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is

not acting from political motivation.  Rather, he is acting from a deep

sense of respect for the whole truth.

        -- Stephen R. Schwambach


Keep your laws off my body!


Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.


L'etat c'est moi.

    [I am the state.]

        -- Louis XIV


Law stands mute in the midst of arms.

        -- Marcus Tullius Cicero


Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!


Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what

is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and

smaller -- and there are many more of them.

        -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"


Let no guilty man escape.

        -- U. S. Grant


Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.

        -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania


Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.

        -- John F. Kennedy


Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.

        -- Harry Emerson Fosdick


Life is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way

out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

        -- Woody Allen


Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out

the right thing to do.  Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,

but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the

right thing to do and what is the right way to do it.  That is the problem.

But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of

bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.

This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects

their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing

that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously

just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even

a panacea so alleged.

        -- D. D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government

        been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to

        the recession?"


Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.


Love America -- or give it back.


"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into

the smallest amount of thoughts."

        -- Winston Churchill


Majorities, of course, start with minorities.

        -- Robert Moses


Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.

        -- P. J. Bailey


Man is by nature a political animal.

        -- Aristotle


Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.

        -- George M. Cohan


Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.


Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.


Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.


Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

        -- Groucho Marx


Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

        -- Groucho Marx


Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to

participate in it.


Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.

When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was

wrong, "Up to a point."

    "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean?  Capital of Japan?

Yokohama isn't it?"

    "Up to a point, Lord Copper."

    "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"

    "Definitely, Lord Copper."

        -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"


My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty

nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,

instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at

a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at

the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which

turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain

that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were

just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.

        -- Hunter S. Thompson


"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think

of saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying "My mother,

drunk or sober."

        -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"


My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully

co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.

        -- J. F. Kennedy


My father was a saint, I'm not.

        -- Indira Gandhi


My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet

the boat.


My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,

and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.  ...  We should be

reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent

to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not

we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,

slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point

from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now

would be to deny our history, our capabilities.

        -- James A. Michener


NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe?  Everything he

      says is wrong.

GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says

      will be right.

        -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"


National security is in your hands - guard it well.


Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.

It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.

        -- William Pitt, 1783


Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.

        -- Napoleon


Nemo me impune lacessit.

    [No one provokes me with impunity]

        -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland


Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

        -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"


Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.

        -- John Dillinger


"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."


Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying

as an income tax refund.

        -- F. J. Raymond


Nihilism should commence with oneself.


No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple

act of justice.

        -- John Altgeld


No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme

court follows th' iliction returns.

        -- Mr. Dooley


No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it

all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly

the functions he is competent to.  It is by dividing and subdividing these

republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it

ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under

every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.

        -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816


No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good

intentions.  He had money as well.

        -- Margaret Thatcher


Nobody shot me.

        -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police

        who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint

        Valentine's Day Massacre.

Only Capone kills like that.

        -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre

The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.

        -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre


Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out

your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's


        -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.

           O'Brien, instructions to the force.


Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

        -- Winston Churchill

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as

satisfying as an income tax refund.

        -- F. J. Raymond


Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

        -- Andrew Young


Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant

to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is

so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a


        -- Soren Kierkegaard


Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.


"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of

normal routines, for children and adults alike."

        -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"


"Nuclear war would really set back cable."

        -- Ted Turner


O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the

thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.

    "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"


    "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- then how many?"


    The word ended in a gasp of pain.

        -- George Orwell


Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd

be irresponsible, too.

        -- Lichty & Wagner


Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.


On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only

nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter

what it does.

        -- Will Rogers


Once is happenstance,

Twice is coincidence,

Three times is enemy action.

        -- Auric Goldfinger


    Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his

time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea.  One day,

in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make

dolphins live forever!

    Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass

produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was

only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird.  Carried

away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and

steal one of these birds.

    Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was

escaping from its cage.  The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began

combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down

on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.

    Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his

bird.  He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he

stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his

car.  Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for

transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.


Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear.  The peasants

were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was

to become a Royal Knight.  This required an interview with the bear.  If

the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot.  If not, the bear would

just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw.  However, the family

of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful

sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable

possession.  And the moral of the story is:

The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that

hit you.


Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.


One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.


One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to

do and always a clever thing to say.

        -- Will Durant


One organism, one vote.


One planet is all you get.


One seldom sees a monument to a committee.


Only two kinds of witnesses exist.  The first live in a neighborhood where

a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything

or even heard a shot.  The second category are the neighbors of anyone who

happens to be accused of the crime.  These have always looked out of their

windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing

peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.

        -- Sicilian police officer


Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the

local Army National Guard base.  He recently received a substational cash

award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.

His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year

by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,

home-made, hand-held model.

Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit

to the Pentagon free of charge:

    (a) Don't kill anybody.

    (b) Don't build things that do.

    (c) And don't pay other people to kill anybody.

We expect annual savings to be in the billions.

        -- Sojourners


Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.

We their sons are more worthless than they:

so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.

        -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)


Our swords shall play the orators for us.

        -- Christopher Marlowe


Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.

        -- General Omar N. Bradley


Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

        -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last

resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but

inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

        -- Ambrose Bierce

When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,

he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.

        -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling

Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

        -- Boies Penrose


Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.

        -- Oscar Wilde


Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.

        -- Albert Einstein


Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars.

        -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981


People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.

        -- Otto Von Bismarck


People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction

rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.

        -- John Kenneth Galbraith


People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to

die for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too.


People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.


People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world

citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.

        -- Norman Cousins


Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would

behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in

order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's

fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)


Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political


        -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC


Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are

ruthless in punishing little thieves.

        -- Diogenes


Poland has gun control.


Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to

teach children.

        -- W. H. Auden


Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point here, a point there,

and a lot of bull inbetween.

        -- Alfred E. Neuman


Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell

all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.


Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even

where there is no river.

        -- Nikita Khrushchev


Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.

        -- Arthur C. Clarke


Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have

been, and never will be wrong.

        -- Walter Dwight


Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign

funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.

        -- Oscar Ameringer


Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without

greatness.  Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.

        -- Albert Camus


Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.  In war,

you can only be killed once.

        -- Winston Churchill


Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing

between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

        -- John Kenneth Galbraith


Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next

week, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to

explain why it didn't happen.

        -- Winston Churchill


Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.

        -- Amy Gorin


Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the

systematic organisation of hatreds.

        -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"


Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the

reformers of error.

        -- Thomas Jefferson


Populus vult decipi.

    [The people like to be deceived.]


Post proelium, praemium.

    [After the battle, the reward.]


Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.


Poverty begins at home.


Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor


        -- Don Herold


Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.

        -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987


Power is poison.


Power is the finest token of affection.


Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

        -- Lord Acton


Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

        -- Henry Adams


President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and

forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.


Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.

        -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"


Question authority.



(Sez who?)


Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or

help speed the change by breaking them?


Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

        -- Jim Samuels


"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's ___not the U.S.

Army doing it!"

        -- Good Morning VietNam


Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western


Gandhi:    I think it would be a good idea.


Reunite Gondwondaland!


Rev. Jim:    What does an amber light mean?

Bobby:        Slow down.

Rev. Jim:    What...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean?

Bobby:        Slow down.

Rev. Jim:    What....     does....     an....     amber....     light....


"Rights" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has "Rights", neither machines

nor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they

use or do not use.

        -- Lazarus Long


Rule the Empire through force.

        -- Shogun Tokugawa


Sauron is alive in Argentina!


Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.

        -- Richard Nixon


Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.


Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?

    [Who guards the Guardians?]


Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed

in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen

Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have



Serfs up!

        -- Spartacus


Shah, shah!  Ayatollah you so!


Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken

him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess of

stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.

        -- Samuel Johnson


Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.

        -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet


Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised

when others believe him.

        -- Charles DeGaulle


Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!


[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the

vices I admire.

        -- Winston Churchill


Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when

a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent

songs.  I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as

those without might see and hear.  They told a tale which was then altogether

beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,

breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest

anguish.  Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God

for deliverance from chains.

        -- Frederick Douglass


So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course

of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a

friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth

could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could

use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-

for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible

the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to

extrapolate the location of their kitchens).

        -- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"


... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those

who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,

and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious

and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.

        -- Voltarine de Cleyre


So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.

        -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)


Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.

        -- Woodie Guthrie


    Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees

on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert

Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of

employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of

farmers in America."

        -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"


Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.


    Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.  Five years later?

Six?  It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that

never comes again.  San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time

and place to be a part of.  Maybe it meant something.  Maybe not, in the long

run...  There was madness in any direction, at any hour.  If not across the

Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda...  You could

strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we

were doing was right, that we were winning...

    And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory

over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't

need that. Our energy would simply prevail.  There was no point in fighting

-- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest

of a high and beautiful wave.  So now, less than five years later, you can go

up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes

you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally

broke and rolled back.

        -- Hunter S. Thompson


Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest

warriors are the ones who stand for peace.


Support your local police force -- steal!!


Support your right to arm bears!!


Support your right to bare arms!

        -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association


Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type

in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving

the room is punishable under law:




Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.

        -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service


Take your Senator to lunch this week.




Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind

the tree."

        -- Russell Long


Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself

out of the market.


Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.


Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

        -- Napoleon I


That government is best which governs least.

        -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"


That's where the money was.

        -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank

It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.

        -- Willie Sutton


... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that

consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune

of "Camptown Races".  Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to

listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

        -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"


The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

        -- Bill Murray


The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use

in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the

Declaration not for that, but for future use.

        -- Abraham Lincoln


The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.


The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any


        -- John Maynard Keynes


The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.

To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.

        -- Nietzsche


The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.


The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!


The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself.

        -- Hilaire Belloc


The Crown is full of it!

        -- Nate Harris, 1775


The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.  Every class

is unfit to govern.

        -- Lord Acton


The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.

        -- F. Dostoyevski


The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim

hours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians work best when

the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.

        -- Russell Baker


The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;

naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.

        -- Ambrose Bierce


The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man

really clever who has not found that he is stupid.

        -- Gilbert K. Chesterson


The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

        -- Buckminster Fuller


The eyes of taxes are upon you.


The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not

utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,

a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.

        -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929


The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily

endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or


        -- Saul Alinsky


The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.


The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept

outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms.  That is to

say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,

so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists

so long as they are Tories.

        -- Christopher Booker


The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.

        -- Abbie Hoffman


The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused

received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.


    The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical inner

workings of the U.S. Air Force.

    "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.

    In his head he ran through his standard explanations.  "It's not so,"

he thought.  "It's a deterrent."  Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,

Senator.  Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied.  Try

a cup."

    The Senator did.  "Pfffttt!  Tastes like jet fuel!"

    "It's not so," the General thought.  "It's a deterrent."

    Then he remembered something.  "We bought a lot of untested computer

chips," the General answered.  "They got into everything.  Just a little

mix-up.  Nothing serious."

    Then he remembered something else.  It was at the site of the

mysterious B-1 crash.  A strange smell in the fuel lines.  It smelled like

coffee.  Smooth and full bodied...

        -- Another Episode of General's Hospital


The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the

people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people

drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.

        -- Gore Vidal


The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a

bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work and they can't

fire it.


The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.

Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people

and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.


The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

        -- Charles de Gaulle


The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men

of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.

        -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis


The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to

move an inch from where they stood.


The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

        -- Albert Einstein


The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty

deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the

author's name on the title page.

        -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831


The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality

of functions performed by private citizens.

        -- Alexis de Tocqueville


The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf

has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know

when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

        -- Will Rogers


The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;

the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

        -- Churchill


The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the

whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting

the most important political institutions. ...  The new style, gradually

gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into manners and customs,

and from it ... goes on to attack laws and constitutions, displaying the

utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything.

        -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.


The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free

information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax

tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a real tax question,

such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never pays

a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer

organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...

        -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"


The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.

        -- Henry David Thoreau


The Least Successful Executions

    History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.

The first performed in Sydney in Australia.  In 1803 three attempts were

made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels.  On the first two of these the rope

snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he

and everyone else got bored.  Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital

punishment, he was reprieved.

    The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who

tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each

occasion failed to get the trap door open.

    In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted

Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment.  He was released in 1917, emigrated

to America and lived until 1933.

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


The Least Successful Police Dogs

    America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking

schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida

in 1978.  He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or

offend the criminal classes.

    His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up

and bite them.  I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."

    The British contenders in this category, however, took things a

stage further.  "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug

raids.  Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in


    While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they

patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the

fire.  When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at

him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

        -- Kin Hubbard


The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

        -- Woody Allen


"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as

we could with both of them."

        -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"


The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.  The

terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

        -- Albert Einstein


The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.  The

man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.

        -- Alan Ashley-Pitt


The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has

to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"

        -- Will Rogers

The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.

        -- Vice President John Nance Garner


The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,

while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.

        -- Wilhelm Stekel


    The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all

students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school


    Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's

recognition of the sanctity of human life."

    According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,

1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their

"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family

farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

    Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of

Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You

probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

    It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-

logically experienced citizens."

    According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was

just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."

        -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)


The Moral Majority is neither.


The more control, the more that requires control.


The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.


The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I

hope I don't get run over again.


The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".


The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.

        -- David Gerrold


The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,

and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."

        -- Celine


The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be

addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified.  But it is equally

important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not

expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences.  Only then can

we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing

true distaste.

        -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly

           Correct Behavior"


The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.

To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.

        -- Buckminster Fuller


The price of greatness is responsibility.


The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday

they might force their beliefs on us.

        -- Mario Cuomo


The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO"

represents the secondary theme:

    Law Enforcement Officials

The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:

    Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials

        -- M. Gallaher


The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that

for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good

requires intent.


The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for



The public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit

raucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no certainties.

        -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"


The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.

        -- Thomas Carlyle


The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but

because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

        -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"


The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it

about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that

you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?

        -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"


The revolution will not be televised.


"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests

and to his imagination for his facts."

        -- Sheridan


The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.

        -- Lewis Carroll


The scum also rises.

        -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson


The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations

of the victors.  History is written by the survivors.

        -- Max Lerner


The time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering.


The time was the 19th of May, 1780.  The place was Hartford, Connecticut.

The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of

Judgement Day.  For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by

mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,

men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.

The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session.  And, as some of

the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the

Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet.  He silenced

them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or

it is not.  If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment.  If it is, I

choose to be found doing my duty.  I wish therefore that candles may be


        -- Alistair Cooke


The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians

who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool

all of the people all of the time.

        -- Franklin Adams


The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.

        -- G. B. Shaw


The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that

two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated

by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.

        -- I. F. Stone


The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.  It cannot be

ruled by interfering.

        -- Chinese proverb


The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of

altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their

views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the

facts that needs altering.

        -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"


"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,

it's just a tired feeling:"


The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and

incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

        -- Emo Philips


The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great

scholars great men.

        -- Oliver Wendell Holmes


The Worst Bank Robbery

    In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of

Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.  They

had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,

sheepishly left the building.

    A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of

robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.  When they demanded

5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it

was a practical joke.

    Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor

clutching his ankle.  The other two tried to make their getaway, but got

trapped in the revolving doors again.


The Worst Prison Guards

    The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a

maximum security prison is 124.  This record is held by Alcoente Prison,

near Lisbon in Portugal.

    During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison

warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which

included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity

of electric cable had disappeared.  A guard explained, "Yes, we were

planning to look for them, but never got around to it."  The warders had

not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were

"covered with posters".  Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,

water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.

The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36

prisoners in his block only 13 were present.  He said this was "normal"

because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back

the next morning.

    "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when

one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later.  [...]  When they

eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's

population was missing.  By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.

Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the

"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."

        -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding

induces violence.

        -- Harvey Wheeler


There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.

        -- Winston Churchill


There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.

        -- The Duke of Wellington


There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and

taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.

        -- shades


There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."

And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"

        -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"


There but for the grace of God, goes God.

        -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.


There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.

        -- Ralph Nader


There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.

        -- Henry Kissinger


There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.

        -- Anatole France


There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

        -- Arthur C. Clarke


There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die,

and we will conquer.  Follow me.

        -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)


There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party

is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.

        -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"


There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical

education is also political because it is purposely isolating.


There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

        -- G. B. Shaw


There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.

        -- General Douglas MacArthur


There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and

family.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,

the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is

live as cheap as the people.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist --

the taxidermist leaves the hide.

        -- Mortimer Caplan


There is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.

        -- Karl Marx


There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which

it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.

        -- James Boswell


There never was a good war or a bad peace.

        -- B. Franklin


There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government

working for you.

        -- Will Rogers


There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead


        -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner


They call them "squares" because it's the most complicated shape they can

deal with.


"They make a desert and call it peace."

        -- Tacitus (55?-120?)


They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the

system from within.  I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them.  First

we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.

I'm guided by a signal in the heavens.  I'm guided by this birthmark on

my skin.  I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons.  First we take Manhattan,

then we take Berlin.

I'd really like to live beside you, baby.  I love your body and your spirit

and your clothes.  But you see that line there moving through the station?

I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.

        -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"


"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary

safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

        -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759


They use different words for things in America.

For instance they say elevator and we say lift.

They say drapes and we say curtains.

They say president and we say brain damaged git.

        -- Alexie Sayle


They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.

        -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.


They're giving bank robbing a bad name.

        -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde


Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become

their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

        -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"


This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,

regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...


    Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of

legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.

    As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it.  I

am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane.  But we

will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior

a sort of Dorian Gray facade.  Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn


    The disease is fatal.  There is no known cure.  The most we can do

for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.

From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily

led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to

bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease.  I don't

have it this morning.  It comes and goes.  This morning I don't have Hunter

Thompson's disease.

        -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt

        from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and

        Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"


"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."

        -- French Proverb


Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty

Often have a share in their misfortunes.

        -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"


Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the

world is love.  The poor know that it is money.

        -- Gerald Brenan


Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are

men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean

without the roar of its many waters.

        -- Frederick Douglass


To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North

Star.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.

        -- Confucius


To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".


To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of


        -- Andrew Young


To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness.

        -- Eugene Ionesco


To use violence is to already be defeated.

        -- Chinese proverb


Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.


Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available


        -- Governor Jerry Brown


Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.


Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.

        -- Charles DeGaulle


True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what

it ought to be.

        -- Virginia Allan


Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers

in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and

was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy

fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

    Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,

"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

    "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.

    Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous

collision course with that ship.

    The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on

a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."

    Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."

    In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20


    "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change

course 20 degrees."

    By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a

battleship, change course 20 degrees."

    Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"

    We changed course.

        -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"


"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)

        -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)


Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a

just man is also a prison.

        -- Henry David Thoreau


Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some

ordinance under which you can be booked.

        -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.


Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.

        -- J. K. Galbraith


Under every stone lurks a politician.

        -- Aristophanes


United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas

season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military

forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of

every persuasion.  Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time

low over the world.

        -- Isaac Asimov


Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime

between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white

and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.

        -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987


Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out

twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

        -- H. L. Mencken


Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.

        -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"


Veni, vidi, vici.

    [I came, I saw, I conquered].

        -- Gaius Julius Caesar


Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen

at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects.

        -- Herodotus


Victory uber allies!


"Violence accomplishes nothing."  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked

violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method

ever employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the

issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?


Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.


Violence is molding.


Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

        -- Salvor Hardin


Vote anarchist.


War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.


War hath no fury like a non-combatant.

        -- Charles Edward Montague


War is an equal opportunity destroyer.


War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.

        -- Desiderius Erasmus


War is like love, it always finds a way.

        -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"


War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

        -- Clemenceau


War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.


War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.

        -- Anacreon


[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big,

the bland and the banal.

        -- Ada Louise Huxtable


Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.


We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean

the same thing.

        -- A. Lincoln


We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.


We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.

        -- Winston Churchill


We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.

        -- Calvin Coolidge


We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from

our children.


... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not

we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up

in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of

the past.

        -- Joseph Wood Krutch


We should be glad we're living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been

born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken

out and shot.

        -- Strange de Jim


We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were

taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things


        -- John Locke


We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents.

Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.

        -- Dennis Miller


We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.

We've done so much, for so long, with so little,

that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.


We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.


We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.

There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your

borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.

        -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard


We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel

a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

        -- Dave Barry


Well, don't worry about it...  It's nothing.

        -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information

           Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph

           Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be

           at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles

           per hour, December 7, 1941.


Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,

to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.

        -- Laurie Anderson


What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.

        -- WOP, "War Games"


What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to

win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?

In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded

that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the

simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life.  First, a

base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done.  Second,

a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human

activities must exist.  Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses

the national attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate

and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with

words and action the great thing to be accomplished.  The motivation of young

Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of

conditions. ...  The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John

Kennedys appear.  We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,

and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.

        -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt


"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we

wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try

anyway, George."

        -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA


What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.


What is status?

    Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.

Uh, no...

    Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a

    problem with him.

Uh, that still ain't right...

    STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,

    and the phone rings.  The President picks it up, listens for a

    minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."


What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

        -- Bertold Brecht


What is the sound of one hand clapping?


What orators lack in depth they make up in length.


What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.


What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.

        -- Robert Altman


When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public


        -- Thomas Jefferson


When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not

far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel

is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.

        -- R. A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"


When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see

the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain

relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.

        -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"


When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before

the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."

        -- Vine Deloria, Jr.


When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced

to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

        -- Brendan Behan


When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity

for him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.

        -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now

I'm beginning to believe it.

        -- Clarence Darrow


When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.


When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men

live content.

        -- Niccolo Machiavelli


When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.

        -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"


When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes,

it means that they want you to change first.


When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.


When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify

the problem, not the remedy.


When the revolution comes, count your change.


When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is

not hereditary.

        -- Thomas Paine


When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find

anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,

two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the

history of war have so few been led by so many.

        -- General James Gavin


When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve

people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

        -- Norm Crosby


When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

        -- Harry Truman


When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.

        -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war


When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.


When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that

you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

        -- Otto Von Bismarck


When you're in command, command.

        -- Admiral Nimitz


Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to

see it tried on him personally.

        -- Abraham Lincoln


Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".


Where you stand depends on where you sit.

        -- Rufus Miles, HEW


Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?


Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?


Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?

We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether

we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a

pet coon.  This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to

pay the fiddler.

        -- The Best of Will Rogers


    Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in

vain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained

unanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.  In

the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government

-- $40,000."


    ... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it.


With reasonable men I will reason;

with humane men I will plead;

but to tyrants I will give no quarter.

        -- William Lloyd Garrison


Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.


World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century since

H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil thing on

earth than race prejudice, none at all.  I write deliberately -- it is

the worst single thing in life now.  It justifies and holds together more

baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of error in the world."

        -- Sydney Harris


World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!


    "Wrong," said Renner.

    "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with

the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"


You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having

both at once.

        -- Lazarus Long


You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The

short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which

means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation

expert to distinguish between their first and last names.  Here's the

complete text:

"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)

(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)

(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to

     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF

     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)

     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way

     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST

     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your

money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.

        -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"


You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice,

bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.

        -- Aristophanes


You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property

and services if it is not specifically exempt.  Report property (goods)

and services at their fair market values.  Examples include income from

bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent

paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),

cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,

gambling, prizes and awards.  Not reporting such income can lead to

prosecution for perjury and fraud.

        -- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms


You roll my log, and I will roll yours.

        -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca


You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for

freedom and liberty.

        -- Henrik Ibsen


I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by

exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to

direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the

same minority or disadvantaged group in the forums of that society.

        -- James Moffitt


Is uniformity attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and

children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt,

tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards

uniformity.  What has been the effect of coercion?  To make one half

of the world fools, and the other half hypocrites.

        -- Thomas Jefferson


The human instinct to censor thrives, as it always will, living in

irrepressible conflict with the human instinct to speak.  Outrage,

self-righteousness, and paranoia feed the maw of censorship.

Squelching speech, however, never reduces society's net paranoia

quotient; it simply redirects it, drives it underground, where it

festers into more dangerous hysterias.  In the words of Justice

Brandeis, "Men feared witches and burned women."

        -- Rodney Smolla, "Free Speech in an Open Society", p. 43.


As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions

between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose

main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.

        -- Elizabeth Fee


Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their

reputation or social standards never can bring about reform.  Those

who are totally in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in

the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and

out, avow their sympathies with despised ideas and their advocates,

and bear the consequences.

        -- Susan B. Anthony (1873)


"Even if you want no state, or a minimal state, then you still have to

argue it point by point.  Especially since most minimalists want to

keep exactly the economic and police system that keeps them

privileged.  That's libertarians for you -- anarchists who want police

protection from their slaves!"

        -- Coyote, in Kim Stanley Robinson's "Green Mars"


And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine,

but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as

children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its

panicky close.

        -- Jerome Stern


I've no regrets. I was sincere in everything I said.

        -- Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf,

           annoucing his new book


The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that

the end justifies the means.

        -- Georges Bernanos (1888-1948), French novelist,

                   political writer. "Why Freedom?" The last essays of

           George Bernanos (1955)



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