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Page history last edited by dm 15 years, 5 months ago

A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save

a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning

photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

        -- Paul Harvey


A Hen Brooding Kittens

    A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,

a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three

kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring

says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that

she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young

felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at

her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.

        -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861


    A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.

Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we

never reveal our sauce."


A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed

on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new

game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the

pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly

along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their

heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn

around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite

direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the

paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin

colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins

fall over gently onto their backs.

        -- Audobon Society Magazine


A New Way of Taking Pills

    A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and

having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with

small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks

will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.

        -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861


A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.

        -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer


A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a

watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he

looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his

tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were

they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led

by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,

killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting

could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle

emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of

the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."


"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked

out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."

        -- Steel City News


A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new

bonnet.  Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."

        -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860


Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

        -- Thomas Jefferson


After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with

the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only

the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of

any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried deep

around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...") page...

The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The

Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.

But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line

or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie

burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck.

They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental

woman who seemed to be in control."

Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and straight

to the point.

        -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"


All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after

the battle is over and shoot the wounded.


An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.

        -- Adlai Stevenson


"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of

your own."

        -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words


And that's the way it is...

        -- Walter Cronkite


Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.


Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.


Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that

rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.

        -- Erwin Knoll



Intelligence of mankind decreasing.

Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....


... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,

and you would not have been informed.


I only know what I read in the papers.

        -- Will Rogers


I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.

        -- Aneurin Bevan


I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens

who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known

something of what has been passing in their time.

        -- H. Truman


If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it

because I can't swim.

        -- Bob Stanfield


If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,

or famous or both.


In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"

Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.

        -- Frank Mankiewicz


Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor

two opposing ideas in his mind?

        -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters


Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism

in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with

the ignorance of the community.

        -- Oscar Wilde


Journalism is literature in a hurry.

        -- Matthew Arnold


Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.


Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who

can't talk for people who can't read.

        -- Frank Zappa


My father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the

New York Times, either.

        -- E. B. White


Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

        -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977


               *** NEWSFLASH ***

Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!


"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper."

        -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was

           taken over by Rupert Murdoch


Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of

TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.


        Once Again From the Top

Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously

reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman

in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and

lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular

homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that

he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on

George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published

inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the

lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with

vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.

The Herald regrets the errors."

        -- "The Progressive", March, 1987


One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a

publisher shot.

        -- Siegfried Unseld


People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better

press than people who are just funny and smart.

        -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"


Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.

        -- Robert B. Goodman

    [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]


    Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him

Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,

and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell

every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about

getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console

me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.

    Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem

to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.

No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or

maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On

the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as

whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last

possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.

        -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"


The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

        -- Thomas Jefferson


The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends

to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.

Film at 11:00.


The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating

people to approach printed matter with distrust.


"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The

Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The

National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running

the country ..."

        -- Robert J Woodhead


The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a

plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal

other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.

        -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"


The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage

is so much better.


    "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"

    "NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"

    "I'll put `maybe.'"

        -- Bloom County


This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an

actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.


This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an

actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?


This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you

would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.


Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for

those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.

        -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83


You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens

anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,

you can always change the channel.

        -- Jim Ignatowski



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