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drugs

Page history last edited by dm 12 years, 10 months ago

1/2 oz. gin

1/2 oz. vodka

1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)

3/4 oz. tequilla

1/2 oz. triple sec

1/2 oz. orange juice

3/4 oz. sour mix

1/2 oz. cola

shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.

        Long Island Iced Tea

%

6 oz. orange juice

1 oz. vodka

1/2 oz. Galliano

        Harvey Wallbangers

%

A beer delayed is a beer denied.

%

A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.

        [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]

%

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it

into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar

and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so

curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.

Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."

%

A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with

-- even if he drank.

        -- H. L. Mencken

%

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.

%

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

        -- George Bernard Shaw

%

Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest

poison is time.

        -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"

%

Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.

%

Always store beer in a dark place.

        -- Lazarus Long

%

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

        -- Dylan Thomas

%

And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,

because the bars close every time you're thirsty...

%

... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.

        -- J. B. White

%

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

        -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

%

Because the wine remembers.

%

Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.

%

Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.

%

Beggar to well-dressed businessman:

    "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"

%

Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969

judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who

doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American

history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor

at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of

them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our

victuals being spent and especially our beer."

        -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual

%

Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.

%

Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.

        -- Charles Lamb

%

But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!

%

Cerebus:    I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.

Jaka:        Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something

Cerebus:    If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?

Jaka:        Ugh!

Cerebus:    You don't like apricot brandy?

        -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"

%

Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero

... must drink brandy.

        -- Samuel Johnson

%

Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.

    "Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"

    "Well, yes, I am."

    "Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."

    The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,

me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The

passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,

please?" it asked the bartender.

    The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.

"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"

    "No, I'm a frayed knot."

%

Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?

Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.

        -- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?

Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.

        -- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?

Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.

        -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights

%

Coach: How's it going, Norm?

Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.

        -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences

Sam:   What's up, Norm?

Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.

        -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action

Coach: What's the story, Norm?

Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.

        -- Cheers, Endless Slumper

%

Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?

Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.

        -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail

Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?

Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.

        -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man

Sam:  What will you have, Norm?

Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever

      comes out of that tap.

Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.

Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

        -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner

%

Coach: What's up, Norm?

Norm:  Corners of my mouth, Coach.

        -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights

Coach:  What's shaking, Norm?

Norm:   All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

        -- Cheers, Snow Job

Coach:  Beer, Normie?

Norm:   Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.  Eh, why not, I'm still young.

        -- Cheers, Snow Job

%

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!

        -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.

%

Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,

Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.

        -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2

%

Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.

%

Don't smoke the next cigarette.  Repeat.

%

Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.

%

Drinking coffee for instant relaxation?  That's like drinking alcohol for

instant motor skills.

        -- Marc Price

%

Drinking is not a spectator sport.

        -- Jim Brosnan

%

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin

with, that it's compounding a felony.

        -- Robert Benchley

%

Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a

lot a poker.

        -- Karyl Roosevelt

%

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many

people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable

comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where

the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in

season, eggs...

%

ELECTRIC JELL-O

2   boxes JELL-O brand gelatin    2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin

2   cups fruit (any variety)    2+ cups water

1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol

Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water.  Stir 'til

    fully dissolved.

Pour hot mixture into a flat pan.  (JELL-O molds won't work.)

Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water.  Remove any congealing

    glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)

Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.

Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for

    the faint of heart.

Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)

Cut into squares and enjoy!

WARNING:

    Keep ingredients away from open flame.  Not recommended for

    children under eight years of age.

%

Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.

%

Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.

%

    Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each

other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around

the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

    Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes

to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your

Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright

piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

    Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with

inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down

other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and

placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when

the little hammers strike.

    Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over

their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning

Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

    You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless

you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level

4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.

%

Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.

        -- Jimmy Cannon

%

Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

    "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,

    May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

    Juliet, this bud's for you.

%

FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8

    Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum        1 tbsp. baking powder

1 cup butter            1 tsp. soda

1 tsp. sugar            1 tbsp. lemon juice

2 large eggs            2 cups brown sugar

2 cups dried assorted fruit    3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now

select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It

must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup

of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric

mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar

and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.

Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups

of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the

beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking

for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a

seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).

Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and

strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.

Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until

poothtick comes out crean.

%

FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS        #14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good

liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and

light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything

drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.

%

Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):

    fifth of dry red wine

    fifth of Aquavit

    1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon

    10 cardamom seeds

    1 cup raisins

    4 dried figs

    1 cup blanched or flaked almonds

    a few pieces of dried orange peel

    5 cloves

    1/2 lb. sugar cubes

    Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine

for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT

the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire

strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.

Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve

hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.

    N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only

if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish

extraction.

%

Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.

%

Harry's bar has a new cocktail.  It's called MRS punch.  They make it with

milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful.  The milk is for vitality and the

sugar is for pep.  They put in the rum so that people will know what to do

with all that pep and vitality.

%

Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.

%

Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly

relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with

the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.

    "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"

%

He knew the tavernes well in every toun.

        -- Geoffrey Chaucer

%

He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.

%

"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"

        -- W. C. Fields

%

HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --

    Take a shot every time:

-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"

-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.

-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.

-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).

-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots

    if it's one of our heroes on the other end).

-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.

-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and

    tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).

-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.

-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.

-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).

-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.

-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.

-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".

-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).

-- Lebeau wears his apron.

-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is

    impossible.

        -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.

%

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

        -- Phil Harris

%

I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink

too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.

        -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"

%

I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.

        -- K. Coates

%

I drink to make other people interesting.

        -- George Jean Nathan

%

I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex.  It was the most *__________horrifying* 20

minutes of my life!

%

I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.  I do believe that is a record.

        -- Dylan Thomas, his last words

%

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.

        -- Richard Burton

%

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.

I haven't had time for tobacco since.

        -- Arturo Toscanini

%

I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.

%

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

        -- Alexander Woolcott

%

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all

saloonkeepers were Democrats.

%

I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.

%

I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad

thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.

%

I used to have a drinking problem.  Now I love the stuff.

%

I will not drink!

But if I do...

I will not get drunk!

But if I do...

I will not in public!

But if I do...

I will not fall down!

But if I do...

I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.

%

I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.

%

I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.

%

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

        -- Fred Allen

[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson.  Ed.]

%

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol

that some thinkle peep I am.

It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

%

I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,

when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!

%

I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger

than tequila before breakfast.

        -- R. Nesson

%

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

        -- George Gobel

%

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

%

If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.

%

If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or

so to my other generals.

        -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant

%

If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.

        -- Edward E. Hippensteel

[What brand of ink?  Ed.]

%

If you don't drink it, someone else will.

%

If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.

%

In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin

in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to

revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from

behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka

shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.

It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the

ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.

%

In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.

%

In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is

placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.

%

In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car

it's impossible.

%

In vino veritas.

    [In wine there is truth.]

        -- Pliny

%

It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends

and getting people under the influence.

        -- Jeremy Tunstall

%

It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party!

        -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"

%

It's gonna be alright,

It's almost midnight,

And I've got two more bottles of wine.

%

It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets

another beer.

        -- Cheers

%

It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're

madly in love, drunk, or running for office.

%

Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.

%

Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.

%

Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

%

Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what

disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don't you come

sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

%

Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way

they can. I'm sick of the job.  It's a thankless one and full of grief.

        -- Al Capone

%

Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.

        -- Don Reed

%

Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought

home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.  And you're still

drinking ordinary scotch?

%

Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to

forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?

%

Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,

and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged

Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend

grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"

    "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've

named a drink Fred?"

%

"Mind if I smoke?"

    "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"

%

"Mind if I smoke?"

    "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"

%

My mother drinks to forget she drinks.

        -- Crazy Jimmy

%

My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.

        -- George Gobel

%

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

%

Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.

%

No, I don't have a drinking problem.

I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.

No problem!

%

[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]

Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?

Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

        -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest

Coach:  What's up, Normie?

Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.

        -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)

Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?

Norm:   Going down?

        -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom

%

[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]

Off-screen crowd:  Norm!

Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?

Cliff: He's got a life, you know.

        -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity

Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Elope with my wife.

        -- Cheers, The Triangle

Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.

        -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?

%

[Norm is angry.]

Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.

        -- Cheers, The Triangle

Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?

Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,

      and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.

        -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle

Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?

Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.

        -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day

%

[Norm returns from the hospital.]

Coach:  What's up, Norm?

Norm:   Everything that's supposed to be.

        -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom

Sam:  What's new, Normie?

Norm: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach.  They're demanding beer.

        -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter

Coach: What'll it be, Normie?

Norm:  Just the usual, Coach.  I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

        -- Cheers, King of the Hill

%

[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]

Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!

All:   Anton!

        -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''

        -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible

Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?

Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding.

      Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.

        -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd

%

Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.

        -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter

Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?

Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.

        -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's

Coach: How's life, Norm?

Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.

        -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants

%

Norm:  Hey, everybody.

All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]

Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]

       Norm!   (Norman.)

       How are you feeling today, Norm?

       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.

        -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash

Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.

       Film at eleven.

        -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar

Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.

        -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone

%

Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we aren't poets.

%

Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --

it just seems that way.

%

NOTICE:

    Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will

    be summarily put out.

%

Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with

unfettered foot.

        -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

%

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power

tools aren't soluble in alcohol...

        -- Crazy Nigel

%

Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.

%

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were

forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

        -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"

%

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet

when well oiled.

%

One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick

Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car

conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the

merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see

his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.

    Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her

full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has

been havin' all these years."

    Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary

Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is

totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the

drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and

passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact

with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.

    Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her

head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these

years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."

%

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups --

alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

        -- Alex Levine

%

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!

Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,

     emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.

%

Police:    Good evening, are you the host?

Host:    No.

Police:    We've been getting complaints about this party.

Host:    About the drugs?

Police:    No.

Host:    About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?

Police:    No, the noise.

Host:    Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns

    or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the

    background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?

    The neighbors?

Police:    No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent

    complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could

    ask the host to quiet things down?

Host:    No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive

    religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living

    room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the

    lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out

    onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind

    down.

%

Preserve Wildlife!  Throw a party today!

%

Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:

    (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit

    (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of

        Santraginus V  (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)

    (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the

        mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)

    (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.

    (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of

        Qualactin Hypermint extract.

    (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.

    (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.

    (8) Add an olive.

    (9) Drink... but... very carefully...

%

Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the

town drunk.

%

Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to

become necessary.

        -- Edgar Friedenberg

%

Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got

started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray."

%

Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?

Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?

        -- Cheers, Loverboyd

Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?

Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.

        -- Cheers, Loverboyd

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.

        -- Cheers, Loverboyd

%

Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?

Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.

Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...

Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.

        -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday

Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?

Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.

        -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor

Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.

        -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie

%

Sam:  What do you say, Norm?

Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

        -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice

Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?

Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?

        -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up

Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.

All:  Norm!  (Norman.)

Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?

Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

        -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare

%

Sam:  What's going on, Normie?

Norm: My birthday, Sammy.  Give me a beer, stick a candle in

      it, and I'll blow out my liver.

        -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone

Woody: Hey, Mr. P.  How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?

Norm:  Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.

       Found him every couple of blocks.

        -- Cheers, Head Over Hill

%

Sam:  What's new, Norm?

Norm: Most of my wife.

        -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One

Coach: Beer, Norm?

Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.

        -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone

Coach: What's doing, Norm?

Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen

       to be the guinea pig.

        -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways

%

Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.

%

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.

        -- W. C. Fields

%

SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!

    Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the

    U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),

    describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on

    the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be

    filed 30 days in advance.

%

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

        -- Fletcher Knebel

%

Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

        -- Fran Lebowitz

%

Smoking Prohibited.  Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.

%

So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as

large as it needs to be?

%

Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.

%

Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the

only ashtray.

%

    Split        1/4 bottle    .187 liters

    Half        1/2 bottle

    Bottle        750 milliliters

    Magnum        2 bottles    1.5 liters

    Jeroboam    4 bottles

    Rehoboam    6 bottles    Not available in the US

    Methuselah    8 bottles

    Salmanazar    12 bottles

    Balthazar    16 bottles

    Nebuchadnezzar    20 bottles    15 liters

    Sovereign    34 bottles    26 liters

    The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the

largest cruise ship in the world.  The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars

to produce and they only made 8 of them.

    Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.

%

Symptom:        Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is

            unusually pale and clear.

Problem:        Glass empty.

Action Required:    Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:        Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,

            and the front of your shirt is wet.

Fault:            Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to

            wrong part of face.

Action Required:    Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.

            Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

        -- Bar Troubleshooting

%

Symptom:        Everything has gone dark.

Fault:            The Bar is closing.

Action Required:    Panic.

Symptom:        You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.

            You cannot see the bathroom light.

Fault:            You have spent the night in the gutter.

Action Required:    Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,

            treat yourself to a lie-in.

        -- Bar Troubleshooting

%

Symptom:        Feet cold and wet, glass empty.

Fault:            Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Action Required:    Turn glass other way up so that open end points

            toward ceiling.

Symptom:        Feet warm and wet.

Fault:            Improper bladder control.

Action Required:    Go stand next to nearest dog.  After a while complain

            to the owner about its lack of house training and

            demand a beer as compensation.

        -- Bar Troubleshooting

%

Symptom:        Floor blurred.

Fault:            You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Action Required:    Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:        Floor moving.

Fault:            You are being carried out.

Action Required:    Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,

            complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

        -- Bar Troubleshooting

%

Symptom:        Floor swaying.

Fault:            Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey

            game in progress.

Action Required:    Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom:        Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts

            and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.

Fault:            You have fallen forward.

Action Required:    See above.

Symptom:        Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several

            flourescent light strips.

Fault:            You have fallen over backward.

Action Required:    If your glass is full and no one is standing on your

            drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help

            you get up, lash yourself to bar.

        -- Bar Troubleshooting

%

Take me drunk, I'm home again!

%

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

        -- Maurice Baring

%

The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to

smoke is a right worth dying for.

%

The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.

%

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will

walk carefully.

        -- Russian Proverb

%

The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.

        -- W. C. Fields

%

The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a

business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit.  Arriving at the

lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door.  After several minutes

of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,

    "Whaddaya want?"

    "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.

    "Yeah," replied the voice.  "Dump him on the front porch."

%

The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to

change your name and start a new life in different city.

        -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"

%

The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is

a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings

of civilization.

        -- T.K.

%

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer

them a drink.

        -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"

%

The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes

the worst cigars.

        -- H. L. Mencken

%

The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh

restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,

dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress.  She

sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,

then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.

A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned

to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."

%

The water was not fit to drink.  To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.

By diligent effort, I learned to like it.

        -- Winston Churchill

%

"The whole world is about three drinks behind."

        -- Humphrey Bogart

%

The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and

not the dog, is man's best friend.  Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.

        -- W. C. Fields

%

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

%

There are only two kinds of tequila.  Good and better.

%

There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel

like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.

%

There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men

of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl.  But give me the rambling

rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and

together we'll face the world.

        -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"

%

There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.

%

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when

the boss asks for a lift home from the office.

%

These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they

used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.

%

They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!

%

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

%

To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura

bitters.  Shake.

        -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.

%

Too ripped.  Gotta go.

%

Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.

%

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his

barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

    "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure

knows when to stop."

%

Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.

        -- E. F. Benson

%

We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.

        -- Walter Summers

%

What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

        -- J. D. Farley

%

When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance

the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob.

        -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual

%

When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.

A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a

barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another

drink!"  The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.

    As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back

onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto

the bar, "*everybody* pays!"

%

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I

have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with

slightly over half that quantity of beer.

        -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

%

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve

it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.

        -- Al Capone

%

When the cup is full, carry it level.

%

When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.

%

    While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman

inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"

    Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if

you burn, madam."

%

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

%

Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a

fresh one for a quarter of the price?

%

Woman on Street:    Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.

Winston Churchill:    Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.

            I shall be sober in the morning.

%

Wonderful day.  Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.

%

Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.

        Let's just cut to the happy ending.

        -- Cheers, Airport V

Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.

Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.

        -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

Sam:  Beer, Norm?

Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.

        -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens

%

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?

Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

        -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction

Sam:  What are you up to Norm?

Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

        -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.

Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'

        -- Cheers, Loverboyd

%

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?

Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.

        -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah

Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.

Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.

        -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah

Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

        -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2

%

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?

Norm:  The warranty on my liver.

        -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do

Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?

Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.

        -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.

        -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife

%

Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Poor.

Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.

        -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?

Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.

        -- Cheers, The Proposal

Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?

Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.

        -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash

%

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.

        -- Cheers, Paint Your Office

Sam:  How's life treating you?

Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

        -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss

Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?

Woody:  For a beer?

Norm:   No, for stupid questions.

        -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie

%

Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?

        -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1

Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?

Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.

        -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?

Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...

       Eh, make that one-thirty.

        -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2

%

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

        -- Mike Romanoff

%

You can't fall off the floor.

%

You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.

%

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

        -- Dean Martin

%

 

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